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Latest One-Liner Digest (1/2) (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, sick, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

[Note - what follows is part one of the One-Liner Digest.  These jokes
	are typically short jokes which weren't funny enough to warrant posting
	them as separate articles (with apologies to the authors).  They vary
	widely in subject matter, and the Digest therefore may very well offend
	just about everyone at one point or another.  The One-Liner Digest
	appears a few times every year - ed]

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From: (Denise Howard)
Organization: Filoli Information Systems
Subject: Knock, boom

Heard this on a British police comedy show on the Comedy Channel last night...

Knock, knock.
   Who's there?
United Nations.
   United Nations who?
I didn't know you were Serbian!

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From: (Stephen Andrew Weinstein)
Subject: A computer's best friend

Today a dog was sitting in a computer lab for some reason.  We were all
very jealous.  No one else had ever come in and not had a software malfunction.

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From: (P.J. Geraghty)
Subject: At least someone loves you

Seen on a bumber sticker this afternoon in Bethesda, MD:

(everyone else thinks
you're an asshole)

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From: (Ian Lance Taylor)
Subject: Christian bumper sticker

Seen on a bumper sticker:
    Jesus is coming

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From: (Henry O. Farad)
Subject: soda pun

At lunch we were debating between root beer and lemon-lime
soda.  The decision prompted me to reply with
"Let's hope that their Barq's isn't worse than their Sprite".

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Subject: Latest Barbie Doll

They just came out with a new Barbie Doll.  

It is called "Divorce Barbie."

It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

I got this joke from Diane, one of my favorite bar tenders.

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From: (David Sullivan)
Subject: Useful Thought

The big print giveth

The Small print taketh away

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From: (Gregg)
Subject: Iowa farm boy joke

Heard this from a co-worker today.

What's the difference between an epileptic farm-boy from Iowa and a hooker
with diarrhea?

The farm-boy shucks between fits.

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Subject: Sandra Bullock Sequel

The recent Sandra Bullock film "The Net" is so popular that they are
already preparing a sequel to it.  It will be called "Re: The Net."

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Subject: Alzheimer's magazine

I heard this one from a friend...

The International Alzheimer's Association is publishing a newsletter.
They say it costs very little to publish - we just send out the same issue
every month!

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From: (Duane Morin)
Subject: Oh, you want old one liners.

On Thu, 7 Sep 95 1:25:02 EDT, you claim to have written:
>B:	Yeah, fat chicks are like mopeds.  They're fun to ride,
>	but you don't want your friends to see you on one...

A guy just used this line at the company barbecue the other day.  After
thinking about it for a second, the guy he'd told it to said, "Nah, I want
a chick that's like a Harley.  Even if it's broken and you ain't riding it
at all, you still want your friends to see you standing next to it."

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From: (Bart Schorsch)
Subject: Windows95, Jesse Helms

Heard this morning on KJ-108 (KJKJ 107.5 FM):

"Jesse Helms is so conservative, he just got around to upgrading his 
computer to Windows77."

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Subject: Terror in the Islands or the Break neck speeder

While on vacation in the Virgin Islands, my husband and I took a driving tour
of St. Thomas. I was navigating our tour quite successfully and felt very
pleased with myself. As our drive progressed, we ventured into an area where
the streets were quite hilly and very narrow. My husband was driving at a
speed which was sure to make the most hardy soul nervous (at least I thought
so). Being newly married and not wishing to start an arguement I quietly said
"honey, could you please slow down, I can't read the map with my eyes

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Subject: Zappa

This isn't exactly a joke, but it is very funny.......Frank Zappa was being
interviewed by some TV bimbo. He was smoking a Marlboro, and she said: "Why
are you smoking if you have cancer?" Zappa replied: "Lady, I am dying of
undiagnosed prostate cancer, which has nothing to do with smoking......AND

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From: (Rachel Donahue)
Subject: Gay-driving

One night, I went clubbing with some gay friends...
As we approached an intersection, the confused driver asked, 
        "Which way do I go, straight?
To which my other friend replied, 
        " Honey, you never go straight, you go forward!!!"

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From: (Keith Meidling)
Subject: Delighted and Defrocked

If lawers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does'nt it follow that
electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models
deposed; tree surgeons debarked; and dry cleaners depressed?

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From: (Eric Woller)
Subject: guarenteed 'A'

This conversation actually happened before we took a cumulative exam.

     Friend A: "So, do you think you'll pass the test?"

     Friend B: "The only way I'm going to pass this test is if I eat 
     		it first."

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From: (John McMahon)
Organization: The Internet Access Company
Subject: Fun Fact of the day

An interesting statistic:

"Each year, over 7 million Americans will fantasize about sex with a co-worker.
 Of those 7 million, approximately 985,000 are self-employed."

    - An excerpt from the So Much To Say home page

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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