(smirk, offense=blondes)

A few friends and I were discussing the correlation between stupidity and bleached-blonde hair a while back, and I though that this might get a chuckle out of the more academic types out there. I did acquire the permission of the original author of the "paper" before sending it off to you. Here it is: ********************************************************************** From: IN%"EBERWEIN@HEPS.Lan.McGill.CA" "Prof. Curtis Eberwein" To: IN%"HKAST1@vms.cis.pitt.edu" Subj: RE: hey you I think I have an answer for your deep research question. We begin by assuming (or more appropriately we take as an axiom) that dumbness, d, is an increasing function of fake blondness, fb. That is, d=F(fb). This could be caused by peroxide fumes, excessive poofing--known in the literature as EP--or brain damage resulting from too many stupid come-on lines (ToMSCOLs). All we say at this point is that F is strictly increasing and twice (or maybe even thrice) differentiable. On the other hand--or should we say scalp--dumbness may have a causal effect on fake blondness, viz. individuals who possess high values of dumbness may be more prone to undertake fake blondness. We call this the propensity to fake blondness. That is fb=G(d) where G is an increasing function satisfying the same conditions as F, possibly a few more too. A solution then requires that both d=F(fb) and fb=G(d) simultaneously. That is d=F(G(d)) or equivilently fb=G(F(fb)). As is well known, the Some-Russian-Guy-with-a-Really-Long-Name Theorem implies that a F(G()) and G(F()) will have fixed points if we can restrict attention to compact sets (ones that hold lipstick, eye shadow, etc.). These are closed and bounded sets. Here we have a difficulty because, while dumbness may be closed, we all know that it is unbounded--no matter how dumb people get, they can always get dumber. Fortunately, we can get out of this difficulty by transforming fake blondness to the Revlon Topology. This makes fake blondness fall in a compact set by having the makeup stored in the hair. This assures us that a Fake Blondness Equilibrium (FBE) exists. Fortuantely, our theory has absolutely no predictions or empirical content, so nobody can prove us wrong. To complete the paper, we have a few closing remarks. First, further research can be applied in many areas. For example, does excessive use of perfume cause dumbness through olfactory attrition or does dumbness just cause excessive use of perfume? Finally, since this paper is written by a single person to whom does "we" refer anyway? We will take up these important and interesting issues in future research since doing it here would make for a smaller vita. Curtis J. Eberwein Somewhere North of Plattsburgh Sometime in the 20th Century

(From the "Rest" of RHF)