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More from the One-liner file (1/3) (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

[Note - what follows is the first part of the one-liner file.  As with all
	r.h.f. "digests", the jokes contained herein are "sub-standard" jokes
	(with apologies to the authors) - jokes which are funny, but which
	don't really warrant posting by themselves.  As such, they vary
	greatly in quality, topic, and offensive nature.  If such material
	does not interest you, feel free to skip it and the parts which follow.

	As I said, the topic matter varies greatly, and folks who are easily
	offended will likely find something in these digests which offends
	them.  To quote Dennis Miller, "...people who are threatened by jokes
	are the same people who tend to refer to actors on soap operas by their
	characters' names.  Listen, there's the Real World, and then there's
	the Joke World, ok?  The Joke World can get tough.  Wear a cup."  To
	use my own words, it's just a joke - ed.]

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From: (Sarah Ross)
Subject: Gump Math

A math teacher at my brother's school held a Creative Writing in 
Mathematics contest.  Students were asked to finish the sentence "Math 
is like a box of chocolates..."  The grand prize winning entry was 
submitted by a sixth grader:

"Math is like a box of chocolates -- it's best when you use your fingers."

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From: (Anthony Baxter)
Organization: australian artificial intelligence institute
Subject: UN forces in Somalia

Heard on radio station JJJ's breakfast show this morning:

Whats the difference between the UN forces in Somalia and Teddy Kennedy?
Teddy Kennedy has had one confirmed kill.

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From: (Kenneth A Reek)
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Subject: Movie Madness

(original, inspired by a recent r.h.f ballad on the subject)

	Those who claim that seeing things in movies does not affect what
people do in real life may have to reconsider their position:  look at
what Lorena Bobbitt did after seeing "Free Willy"...

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From: (Malor)
Subject: father's day one-liner, original.

	Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was.  

	"Easy," I answered.  "It's nine months before Mother's Day."

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From: (Brian Wessels, 226-6226)
Subject: Microsoft ads

	This is original --

	Recently I've been seeing lots vague of Microsoft ads on TV, with
the tag line, "Where do you want to go today?"

	My immediate response was, "Chicago.  But I can't get there until

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Subject: New race track in the works

I just heard this one today. Sorry, I have no idea of its roots.

Did you hear that Tanya Harding and Mickael Jackson are building a race track
together? Tanya will take care of the handicapping and Michael will ride the
three year olds.

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Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016
Subject: The Millenium Cometh

What if they put freshness dates on code?

"MVS -- Best if used before December 31, 1999."

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From: (Paul Arsenault)

Yea, yea, you've probably heard it before, but...

Two termites walk into a bar and one says,

"Is the bartender here?"

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From: (That know!)
Subject: What is in Sprite, anyway?

You know what they say about Sprite ...

Two-thirds of it is Spit.

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From: (Jennifer A. Wilk)
Subject: America - The Land of Opportunity

Heard this from a friend who heard it from a friend....

Regarding Micheal Jackson --- 

Only in a America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman.

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From: (Robert M Chittister)
Subject: When she just wants to be friends

I was recently telling a friend of mine about a rectent romantic
endeavour. I told him that first she asked me not to push her into
making a decision on our relationship, but I couldn't wait, so she
turned me down.

My friend said "OK, so you backed off, then you backed on, and then you
were backed over."

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From: (Albert Kleinjan (BIS94))
Subject: Silly pilots

After landing his 747 plane on JFK airport, the captain says to his co-pilot:
"Pheeeew, this is certainly the shortest landingstip I've ever seen !"
Co-pilot: "Yes but it is certainly one of the widest"

A joke form a dutch comedian Freek de Jonge.

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From: (Skippy the Wondermous)
Organization: Upper Merion Area High School
Subject: Record Albums...

I was at a concert for the band God Lives Underwater at the Khyber Pass 
Bar in Philly the other day.  One of the opening acts for GLU was a band 
named "Maids of Gravity," where the bassest was heard saying...

"We've got 4 records out...all same title...all same artwork..."

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From: (Insect God)
Subject: A man walks into a bar 

Overheard on the New York subway:

It's 1972, and Jesus comes into a disco.  He pays the cover, but he
just can't seem to score, every song that comes on he moves like a dead
white guy.  So after a while he takes a break, buttonholes the
bartender and says,

"Darn it!  I've risen, and I can't get down!"

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Jennifer A. Wilk)
Subject: The big shillelagh

This is an old one....

Q.      What do you have if you have two little, green balls in your hand??

A.      Complete control of a leprechaun

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From: (Tim Patterson)
Subject: Follow up joke...
After reading a recent joke on here, from Jonathan Katz, I
came up with a twist on it.

Q: So, if people that love the English are called Anglophiles,
   and people that love the French are Francophiles, what
   are people that love Americans called?

A: Americans.

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From: (Mikey Conover)
Organization: Upper Merion Area High School
Subject: Penis joke

Don't know if this'll get past the RHF monitor...Heck, don't know if it'll get
past the vikings monitor...but what the hell...

What's 12 inches long and white?


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Subject: Watch what you ride...

A friend of mine relayed a conversation he had with another friend of his...

Jack (describing his girlfriend's friend, trying to be nice):
	Well... she's a bit overweight... not much to look at...

Bill (catching on to what Jack REALLY means, but is being nice):
	Oh, you mean she's a moped.

J:	A moped?!?
B:	Yeah, fat chicks are like mopeds.  They're fun to ride,
	but you don't want your friends to see you on one...

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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