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The True News Digest part 22/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - at long last, the
	*last* part of the True News Digest.  For now... - ed.]

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From: (Daniel Mittleman)
Subject: Some people just can't erase those memories of Watergate...

    Reported from a friend who lives in Washington, DC...

"The ACLU here sent out a notice saying that in honor of the national
day of mourning for Richard Nixon their office would be closed for 18
1/2 minutes!"
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From: (Dave O'Shea)
Subject: Whose side are they on?

This morning's E-mail contained several messages about the implications
od Satan, a network probing tool due to be released on the Internet. The
one from Sun Microsystems makes me worry, though.

       Mailbox is '/usr/spool/mail/dos' with 45 messages [ELM 2.4 PL22]

     #   Date   Sender             Lines  Subject

     4   Apr 4  Mark Graff         (666)  Sun Security Bulletin #130

Couldn't make it 667 lines, could they?
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From: (Terry Morris)
Subject: Social Commentary

	We were very busy last week. My wife was preparing for a book-signing
and library convention, I was building the displays, and we were pulling 
together all of the paperwork for the annual income tax battle. As a result, 
the home office was full of boxes and stacks of paper -- promo flyers, books,
business receipts, and tax forms.

	In the middle of all the confusion, no one had let the dog out. He
walked into the office, sniffed at the boxes, then raised his leg for a 
direct hit on the completed tax forms. At that point I was torn. Should I 
whack him with a paper and yell at him, or should I just tell him to move 
over and give me a chance at them? In any event, if we are selected for an 
audit, it should be entertaining. 
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From: (Raymond L. Gilbert)
Subject: can they add?

Seen on CNN's Headline News, April 13, 1995:

"The New York Metropolitan Museum of Art is celebrating its 125th
anniversary....Built in 1880, ..."
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From: (Denys Proteau)
Subject: 'Tis the Season

    A few days before Christmas my car broke down while I was driving on
a long trip to my parents' house.  The shaft that supports the valve
rockers was broken.  I was in a hurry to get my car repaired so I could
get home by Christmas, but none of the repairmen or dealers in town had
the correct replacement shaft in stock.  One dealer had a used engine
and offered to use that engine's rocker shaft to replace the broken one.
 He wasn't going to charge me for the used part, but the labor was going
to cost alot.  His exact words were:

  " 'Tis the Season, so we'll give you the shaft for free "
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From: (J.B. Legault)

Seen on the packaging of a Bic lighter:

Bic lighter with Child Guard! (Keep away from children).

Go figure... :)
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Subject: TV News knows how

     You could guess how an editor's mind works, if you caught the news 
     bulletin that went out on British TV a little while ago...
     "This device contains a computer which has sixteen pieces..."
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Subject: Double Take

 My wife told me of her experience in the grocery store while
 shopping with our twin 10 month old daughters:

   Patron:  "Are they twins?"

   Wife:    "Yes."

   Patron:  "Are they both yours?"
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From: (Roger Sinasohn)
Subject: That is not a toy!

The health insurance company that I'm working with has a closet near the 
lunchroom to store bottled water.  Mounted on the wall of this closet is a 
sledgehammer, a crowbar, and an axe.  This does not bother me.

What worries me is that someone felt they needed to post a sign indicating 
that they are "For Emergency Use Only."
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From: (Ian Chai)
Subject: Today's (6 Jan 1995) dumb robber story

Raymond Cuthbert walked into Nolan's Pharmacy in Vernon, BC, on
Thursday evening and boasted that he was returning in half an hour to
rob them.

True enough, about 30 minutes later, he returned with Robert Phimister
carrying a concealed hunting knife... into the waiting hands of the
Mounties! whom the drug store employees had called after his boast.

Mountie Hugh Menzies said, "I don't know why he did it; he's well known
to the local police."
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From: (Tim Antonsen)
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Fort Collins Site
Subject: Best poor choice of words to date

[ Article crossposted from sci.skeptic ]
[ Author was Chris Woodward (PSY) ]
[ Posted on 24 Jan 1995 18:24:14 GMT ]

Went to my local BookStop yesterday to see if Skeptical Inquirer
was out yet.  Next to it were all kinds of weenie New Age/Alternative
Religion magazines, one of which apparently had an article on romance
and palmistry (for Valentine's Day, no doubt).  The headline on the
front of the mag was:

   "Find Love in Your Palm."

I didn't look to see if the author was Joycelyn Elders.
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From: (Matt Hawley)
Subject: More signs

  I have seen these myself - honest!

  Business name on a truck spotted in New Haven, CT


  Sign seen in Hawaii

           DODO MORTUARY

  In Southeastern England there are 2 towns named Ham and Sandwich; of course
 there is a milage sign (I suppose it's now in Km)

           HAM     X
           SANDWICH   Y   (I don't remember the numbers)
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From: (Mark H. Anbinder)
Organization: Baka Industries, Inc.
Subject: Honesty in advertising

Help-wanted classified ad seen in the York, PA Daily Record:

"Attention: Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean
boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad."
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From: (Geoff Loker)
Subject: Truth in advertising?

Our local Toys-backwards-R-Us is doing some renovations, and, for the first
couple of days had the following signs stuck up all over the place (spacing
of words and lines is as they had it):

                ATTENTION   ALL
                CUSTOMERS,   WE
                APOLOGIZE   FOR
                CAUSED   DURING
                THE RENOVATIONS
                IN  THE  STORE.
Somebody obviously noticed the problem in the wording and replaced the signs
with ones saying INVCONVENIENCE.  However, they missed replacing the sign at
their exit.
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From: (That know!)
Subject: Newspaper newbies?

I used to be proud of the Albuquerque Journal (our local paper here) for 
their willingness to document the Internet in their weekly access 
section. This quote taken direct from Access, 13 June 95:
[on privacy, specifically PGP]
"If you are going to exchange a credit card number or confidential 
information, you can encrypt your own e-mail messages with the freeware 
program Pretty Good Privacy (PGP) which can be downloaded from several 
sites on the Net. You can get a copy through ftp at 
in location:/pub, file -rw-r--r--."

Guess they're used to DOS directory listings.
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From: (Robert Herndon)
Subject: YAS (yet another sign)

High in the Rockies, in a town so small that the main road
isn't paved, there's a sign on that road that reads:

                      |          |
                      |          |
                      |   SLOW   |
                      |          |
                      | CHILDERN |
                      |          |
                      |          |
                          |  |
                          |  |
                          |  |

This sign desperately needs the grafitto:  "And the adults
aren't too swift, either".
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From: (Maria E. Schick )
Organization:  AMSTA-AR-AEE,x4006
Subject: Funny Signs

My favorite sign is

|    NO HUNTING      |
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From: (Manley Perkel, Dept of Math & Stat, Wright State U, Dayton, OH 45435, (513)-873-2276)
Subject: Another Strange Sign

 On Route 30, just after the intersection with route 32, in 
 St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands, appears the following sign on the road-side:
        |   ANIMAL    |
        |  SHELTER    |
        |             |
        | Flea Market |
        |  Saturday   |
        |             |
        |             |
        |             |
        |             |
        |             |
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From: (Barry T. Drake)
Organization: Occidental College, Los Angeles, CA  90041 - USA
Subject: Re: Strange Signs Digest

Well, why not...
Visible from highway 5 in Central California is a Carl's Jr. with this sign:
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From: (William G. Chapman)
Subject: For the next edition of "Strange Sign Digest"

On I-84 along the Columbia in Oregon at least one off-ramp
is signed:

          |        BORING           |
          |      OREGON CITY        |
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Subject: Re: Strange Signs Digest

There used to be  a sign outside Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago that said:


The Circus maybe?
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Subject: Funny(?) sign

I saw the following sign on the exit doors of a grocery store in
Sunnyvale, CA:

|  Thanks for Coming  |
|         OUT         |
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From: (Glen Ketteringham)
Organization: Ability OnLine - Toronto Canada 
Subject: hmmmmmmmm

While driving arount in downtown Toronto (Ontario),I happened to notice the
following sign,and just had to pass it along:

Income Tax
Go to the Cleaners
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Subject: Eight days a week...

I just saw this on the side of a delivery truck for a store selling
TVs. In big red letters:

                |    FREE    |
                |  DELIVERY  |
                |   7 DAYS   |
                |   A WEEK   |
                |    AND     |
                |   SUNDAY   |
                |    TOO     |

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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