[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Derek Bell) Subject: Is Quayleitis contagious? Des O'Malley, an important minister in the Irish government, made the following comment about the Danish rejection of the Maastricht treaty: "The Maastricht treaty ... has been dealt, at least temporarily, a fatal blow." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Andrew Baker) Subject: American workers and customers deserve each other This story is true. A store at the Stanford Shopping Center was having a 30% off sale. In front of me in line is this middle-aged woman who looks vaguely troubled as the clerk is totalling up her purchases. Finally, she asks the clerk, "Is it 30% off each *item*? Or only 30% off at the very end?" The clerk tells her that first they total up the purchases normally, and then they subtract the 30%. The woman seems even more troubled at this point, and then observes (to no one in particular), "You don't save very much that way...." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Mike Mitten) Subject: Paper Towels In the men's bathroom in Oxford Books, Peachtree Battle Shopping Center, Atlanta, Georgia, written on the paper towel thingey, are the following words: ANCIENT FOREST DISPENSER = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Organization: Lockheed Engineering & Sciences Co. Subject: radio ad a local AM radio station, WTAR, has been running ads for a hearing aid company. huh? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Conrad Halton Halling) Subject: Motel joke One of the questions on a customer survey at the Hotel Metropole in Montreal: "How often do you come at the Hotel Metropole?" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dick Rawson) Subject: have a blast The Denver Museum of Natural History has a section on mining during frontier days. There is a small stack of DuPont No. 6 Blasting Cap boxes, labeled with the advice, Attach caps to fuse with a cap crimper, not with knife or teeth. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Bug Guts) Subject: I thought it was funny From the Los Angeles Times (whenever Paul Simon's "Rhythm of the Saints" album came out): RICHMOND, Va. -- Comedians Chevy Chase and Steve Martin took turns holding down a giant Casper the Friendly Ghost balloon as the pair helped singer Paul Simon make a new music video. [paragraph describing the video deleted] Martin signed just one autograph, for Carrie Cheeley, an 8-year-old baton twirler. "This certifies that you have had a personal encounter with me and that you found me warm, polite, intelligent and funny," Martin wrote. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ken Meinken) Subject: error messages I think the best computer generated error message of all time is ( directly from the system log): IEC020I NON-ACCEPTABLE ERROR geesh! what about all the acceptable error the computer never told me about! In a related vein, one day I was greeted by the following logon message: *** TSO IS BACK TO NORMAL OPERATING PROCEDURES.......... WE ARE EXPERIENCEING HARDWARE PROBLEMS CAUSING DEGRADATION OF TSO.... hmmmm....true confessions???? = = = = = = = From: Another one of these POLISH VILLA things.@uunet.UUCPAnother one of these POLISH VILLA things. Subject: Sign Location Sometimes the location of a sign is says as much as the sign itself. Take these for example: ----------------------------------- | Cruise Ships - Use airport exit | ----------------------------------- - highway in San Diego, California All of the cruise ships I saw on the highway got off there. Or another good example: ------------------------------------------------- | Now entering the town of York. | | All Building codes will be strictly enforced. | ------------------------------------------------- It's next to a large field. There's not a building within a mile. Maybe the building codes were TOO strictly enforced? Or yet a third. ------------------------------------ | Big Flats - Planned and Growing. | ------------------------------------ It's next to their cemetary. Is this where Steven King gets his ideas? So keep your eyes open. You'll find sign locations most important at times. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Balraj Singh) Organization: EECS at University of California, at Berkeley Subject: food stamps Clipping in Newsweek :- From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of Social Services.. "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we have received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Balraj Singh) Organization: EECS at University of California, at Berkeley Subject: is this going to take too long??? Clipping in Newsweek :- "Is this going to take long? I've got someplace to go tonight." An 8-year old Chicago boy being questioned by detectives after he shot a girl classmate in the spine with a semiautomatic handgun. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tim Snider) Subject: Legal Notice - Is this BAD money? SG92-145 (First Published in the Daily Reporter, March 11, 1992) IN THE EIGHTEENTH JUDICIAL DISTRICT DISTRICT COURT SEDGWICK COUNTY, KANSAS CIVIL DEPARTMENT THE STATE OF KANSAS, ex rel NOLA FOULSTON, District Attorney for the Eighteenth Judicial District of the State of Kansas Plaintiff vs. $290.00 in U.S. Currency Defendant NOTICE OF SUIT Case No. 92 C670 The State of Kansas to all persons or entities who claim an interest in the defendant property: You are hereby notified that a Petition and Order to Show Cause has been filed in the Sedgwick County District Court, Civil Department, by the Sedgwick County District attourney, praying for the forfeiture of the defendant property set out above, and you are required to appeat, answer, respond, or otherwise plead to the Petition on or before the 30th day of April, 1992. If you fail to plead a judgment and decree will be entered forfeiting any interest you may have in said property. Seen in the Derby Kansas Newspaper on 3/18. A few questions come to mind: 1. Is this bad money? Just what did this money do? Any cash I've seen tends to leave my immediate vicinity as soon as it sees me. 2. Did this cash come to life and commit a crime? Must not be a crime since it's being sued in civil court. 3. What property does this $290 have that the state of KS would want? They must be a gang activity, right? I'm not aware of a 290 dollar bill. From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael A. Atkinson) Subject: A sign from the Paper Gods You know it's time to give up writing a paper when you awake with your head on the keyboard and you've typed fifty pages of the letter "g". [This happened to me Tuesday 3/17/92. It's true.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Dale Drummond) Subject: more bathroom graffiti There's a small town in Ohio called Yellow Springs, known for it's very left-wing inclinations. Many people of alternative lifestyles live in Yellow Springs, and it's also the location of Antioch College, which was notorious in the 60's for having "free-thinking" attitudes about education and lots of flower children as students. This graffiti was seen on the bathroom wall at Ha Ha Pizza in Yellow Springs: "The hippies will rise again." Underneath in another handwriting: "But the day will be half over." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jim Kelly) Subject: Automation Efficienies >From the San Francisco Chronicle, March 24, 1992 (without permission): "Unemployment Checks to be Delayed 3-4 Days" Unemployment checks will be delayed three to four days starting tomorrow as Bay Area offices of the Employment Development Department [California's unemployment office] switch over to a faster automated system. I can't wait for them to come up with new ways to process my tax refund... = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Dan Duncan) Subject: joke TRUE, ORIGINAL I was driving down the street the other day and I stopped behind a car with a bumper sticker reading "Jesus can heal YOU!" Of course, the car also had handicapped plates... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jon Care) Subject: WP's are doing it for themselves. Note: PCAS is a system in the UK for the administration of college applications. PCAS form - Confidential statement by referee Mr xxx has positively uttered absurd premature eroticism of memoir for the BTEC National Sheepskin in Computer Discipline at this Lyceum. So dramatically he is arraying an excellent consequence in his garbage year. \. . . The Poly replied... I am in receipt of a PCAS application from Mr xxx ( a copy of which is enclosed) I refer to the reference shown and would ask for your comments as to its authenticity. If the first paragraph was caused by a "gremlin" in the works perhaps you would send me an amended copy, however if this reference does not come from you your comments would be appreciated. \. . . Dear Mrs. Green, I enclose the correct reference for Mr. xxx, a student in my tutor group at this college. I must apologise for the incorrect version which had been corrupted by a bug in my thesaurus on my system.. Although I had carefully checked the text on screen we did have to hurry the application process in December due to a threatened postal strike. CORRECTED FIRST PARA ==================== Mr. xxx has successfully completed his first year of study for the BTEC National Diploma in Computer Studies at this College, and so far he is showing an excellent progression in his second year. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A true story people, I kid you not. We do seem to get all the weirdoes here. Now that wasnt too depressing was it?
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
The Internet Jokebook|
Featuring the very best of netfunny.com on dead trees.