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The True News Digest part 18/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Arch Hughes)
Subject: Kids are literal

A few years ago our son, when he was about 3, was getting into the
habit of leaving the table before finishing his food and without first
excusing himself.

In the course of sternly correcting him on one of these ocassions, I
told him "...and don't get your tail out of that chair until all your
food is gone!"

A sudden look of desperation crossed his face and he tearfully replied
"But Dad, I don't have a tail."
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From: (Tarador Dranon)
Subject: Ameritech fun?

I swear, I found this in the phone book (Bloomington, Indiana).
Actually, a friend pointed it out.

     320 N College Av  - - - - - - - - - 335-9016

Someone should tell him that a name-change is definitely in order. :)
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From: (Jeff R. Allen)
Subject: Bathroom Humor

Seeing Eric Vaandering's posting about a biology joke on a bathroom
wall reminded me of this exchange on a bathroom wall at Harvey Mudd
<Scrawlled diagonally>   E = mc

<Printed neatly beneath> Correct, Albert, but next time
                         show your work.
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From: (Alan Munn)
Organization: Dept. of Lingusitics, U. Maryland College Parks
Subject: The Joy of Cooking

From Bob Levey's column in the Washington Post, originally from a
Minnesota paper whose name I forget.

A mother hears her son in the kitchen with a firend looking for
something to eat.  Very apologetically he says:

  "My Mom doesn't buy food, she buys ingredients."
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From: (Bob Kummerfeld)
Subject: How they teach C.S. overseas ....

A staff member in my department sent this:
    A graduate of the Faculty of Automation of the Lvov order of Lenin
    Polytechnical Institute, Lvov, Russia, has shown me his academic transcript.
    Subjects include: 
     History of the Soviet Society
     Political Economics
     Scientific Socialism
     Labour Protection
     Fundamental Rights
     Physical Training
     Ethics & Aesthetics
    Not much room left for computers, is there?
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From: (Warner Losh)
Subject: So what is VMS anyway?

About six months ago I discovered that a mischievous friend had put
a "VMS FOREVER" bumper sticker on my car.

The other day, one of my neighbors saw my car and asked me what VMS
was.  When I told him, he was rather surprised to find that it was a
computer operating system.  He had assumed that it was some sort of
social disease...
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From: (Joseph Sean Livingston)
Subject: college, true

	I was sitting in a graduate level computer science class during a 
particularly incomprehensible lecture.  The instructor was speaking far above
the level of the class and no one would ask a question and risk being
considered ignorent.  Finally somebody in the front row raised his hand.

	"Excuse me," he asked the instructor, "Are you talking to US?"
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From: (Duncan Chesley)
Subject: Down East story

True Story

  My grandfather, who spent his whole life in Maine, riding his horse and
not even doing much driving, decided late in his life, to visit his sister
in California.  He had never flown before.  When he got to the plane he
found that it was full of ministers on a charter flight to LALA land.  He
took his seat next to a minister, and the conversation went like this:

   Minister: Good morning.
Grandfather:  Hello.
          M:  This is the first time I've flown.  I'm a little nervous.
              Are you?
          G:  Nope.
          M:  Did you buy any flight insurance?
          G:  Flight insurance?  What for?
          M:  Well, what if (God forbid) the plane should crash?
          G:  What do I care?  I don't own it.
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From: (Pete Bellas)
Subject: Congressional Campaign

Robert Lynch is running for congress is our district.  This Saturday
when I was out driving I noticed large signs on every power pole:


I thought to myself "what a good idea!".
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From: (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH)
Subject: Riot Humor --- TRUE STORY

I overhead this on Berkeley campus this past weekend.

"I can't believe that the defense got away with calling King a bear.  The
system is so screwed up if they'll let a man be dehumanized like that."

"Yeah, the pigs are just out of control."

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From: (Rory Toma)
Subject: Only in Silicon Valley

Heard (or so it goes..) in a Silicon Valley video arcade.

Man takes out a dollar, walks up to clerk and says:

	"Excuse me, could you please untar this dollar?"
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Subject: how are horses like computers?

This really happened to some friends at work:

A horseback riding trip had been orgainzed and everyone was going through
the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse before?", etc.

Everyone's told: "It's simple.  The horses are all neck rein trained.  Hold 
the reins in one hand.  To turn left, move the reins left.  To turn right,
move the reins right.  If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow
down, then back up.  To make the horse go, kick gently."

At this point, Mark (his real name!) sez: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and
kick user interface."
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From: (Mark W. Schumann)
Subject: Better Than A "Boss Key"

I was telling my wife about dropping into my boss's office and
finding him playing TANK WARS on the PC.  Judy's comment:
"Oh, that's not a game; it's a screen saver!"
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From: (Fred Douglis)
Subject: customer relations

I just called New Jersey Bell to ask for a change in service.  I got a
recorded message, saying something like:

	You have reached New Jersey Bell.  All operators are busy.
	Your call is very important to us.  Please hold and an
	operator will be with you shortly.

The line went dead, and a few seconds later I got a dial tone.  The
same thing happened when I tried again a minute later.  In between,
the line was consistently busy.

Gee, I'd hate to see how the phone company would treat me if my call
weren't important to them...
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From: (Mark Feit)
Organization: Engineering Research Associates, Vienna, VA
Subject: CNN Blooper

Caption seen over footage of Boris Yeltsin speaking before a meeting
of the former Soviet republics' leaders:

	``NASA Animation''

Just like the Lincoln exhibit at Disneyland...
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From: (Scott Crowder)
Subject: An honest cabbie

Seen on the back of a Yellow Taxi Co. Cab:

	We Cheat Tourist
	and Drink
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From: (Ajay Shah)
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
Subject: Heard this on NPR

A shopping complex in California has taken to playing classical
music in the mall and in the parking lot.  Apparently this is very
useful at keeping ``rowdy'' teenagers away.
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From: (Patti Beadles)
Subject: New Technology?

Seen on a whiteboard here at Intel:

	Back up my hard drive?  You mean
	these things can actually run in
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From: (Small Green Lizard)
Organization: Since when was I organized?
Subject: Roadside tombstone

Reported to me by Carrie Allan of Canberra, Australia:

One sign atop another on the driveway of St. Eddie's, a catholic boys' school
in Canberra, Australia, which together read:

                               |  HUMP  |
			       |  SLOW  |
			       | SCHOOL |

		   hmmm . . . is that a command?
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From: Anonymous
Subject: "rec.humor.funny"

  I heard this one on KSFO radio in San Francisco.  It's a true story out of
Waco, Texas:

  This bank robber goes into a bank in Waco, and to get things started, he
distracts the clerk by handing him a twenty-dollar bill and asking for change.
As the clerk starts to do that, the robber pulls a gun and tells the clerk to
put all the money from the cash register into a bag.  The clerk tells the
guy, "Ok, be cool, no problem," and does as the robber demands.  Then the
robber flees in a car, where he later opens the bag to find... fifteen dollars
in cash.
  And yes, you guessed it, he left the $20 bill behind.
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From: (The KevMan)
Subject: Truth In Advertising

This month's "Sassy" (a magazine for young teenaged women) has several
article titles on the cover, including

	Why _Luke Perry_'s Name Makes You Want To Buy This

This early exposure to recursion will no doubt lead many young ladies to
a life in computer science.  Or so I hope.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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