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The True News Digest part 17/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Simon E Spero)
Subject: SunOS bugs are a pain in the a*se

Quote from a recent press release by a  major Israeli Sun reseller
[no names, no pack-drill].

Software Access
	The Bulletin Board is a suppository of SunOS patches as well as 
software gathered from around the world.
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From: (Christopher Blaise)
Subject: What's your NVir?

Working as a student consultant at the University of Vermont, I just had
this little gem happen:

	A girl walks in wanting the latest version of Disinfectant.  I smile
and ask her if her Mac has many viruses.  She laughs and replies "Gee, I
probably have more viruses than my computer!"
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Subject: Rodeo Stimulation & Cattle Prod Joke

I heard this from a friend of mine, who won't allow her name to
be used. She says it's original with her, and wasn't meant to be
a joke:

While watching TV coverage of a Rodeo, one of the announcers happened
to mention that some bull riders, in an effort to make their bulls
more 'animated', poke them in the rump with a cattle prod. Thinking
that this was cruel to the bull, she stated: "I guess some people will
do anything for a buck."
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From: MBADBH@rohvm1.UUCP (David B. Horvath, CDP)
Organization: Hidden - I Don't Speak for Them.
Subject: Grandma got run over by a raindeer - true story

My wife overheard the following story:

This woman's grandmother dies of natural causes right before christmas
and while the arrangements are being made at the funeral home, the
funeral director suggests that the grandmother's favorite christmas
carol be played during the viewing.

The woman/grandaughter breaks into laughter.

Husband:  Why are you laughing?  That's not funny - it's a beautiful
Woman:    It is a beautiful idea, but that's not why I'm laughing.  Her
          favorite carol was: "Grandma got run over by a raindeer..."
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Organization: Datalog Consulting, Tucson, AZ
From: (Barry Mishkind)
Subject: joke

One afternoon a few years ago, I got on the freeway directly behind a truck 
that was transporting several cars out west. One, a Mercedes from Penn. had 
as it's personalized "number", "JESUS".  However, if you looked at the whole 
plate, with the motto... iT said "You've got a friend in JESUS Pennsylvania"
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From: (Robert John Butera)
Subject: late_night_joke

Saw this posting on a local newsgroup and thought it humerous
enough to submit ....


From rice!!buster!jpunix!perry Wed Jan 15 00:20:11 1992
Article: 810 of houston.general

Hello Everyone..

	Well apparently some individuals in the kiddie set have gotten a
hold of my voice number and are calling me late at night to ask me about
a bbs. The bbs they are asking about is the name I used a while back but
was never operated under my voice number. Go figure. Anyway, I am amazed
at the kinds of questions one can be awakened with at night...

(Phone rings...)

Me: Hello?? (sleepily)

Voice: Is this the Far West BBS?

Me: Do I sound like a modem? I know I sound strange when awakened from a
deep sleep but I didn't know I sounded that bad..

Voice: But the list says there is a bbs at this phone number! Where is

Me: There never has and never will be a bbs at this number. This is my
voice line. Try 337-3289. That is the number to my UNIX system.

Voice: I tried that number but all I got was a high-pitched squeal. It
sounded like feedback or something.

Me: That's the modem answering the phone. You need to try and get your
modem to respond to it.

Voice: Modem?? What's that? Someone told me there was a bbs at this

Me: How old are you?

Voice: 10 years old..

Me: Do your parents know that you're using the phone at 11:30 on a
school night?


Voice after a pause: Is there another number I can call to get to the

Me: I'm sure you have school tomorrow and you should be in bed. Good
night. (HANG UP -- Phone off-hook)

I thought this might make for a little light reading. I hope everyone
enjoyed this. ;-) Good night all..
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From: (Peter Hickey)
Subject: A true sportsman

I guess that this indicates a true sportsman.
A few days ago, my 9 year old son won a gold medal in a
cross country ski race.  After the awards, he didn't
seem to be very happy.  

I asked him, "What's the matter Jean-Philippe, aren't you
happy with our medal?"

"No," he said,  "I already have a gold and silver one.
I wanted to win a bronze this time."
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From: (Steven Hoey)
Subject: Out of sight, out of mind!

FROM Steve Hoey (
SUBJECT Out of sight, out of mind!

This is NOT a joke.  I repeat, this is NOT a joke.  This appeared on a poster
hanging in the Wakefield, MA Public Library (my hometown).  The poster was
advertising "Tupperware Home Parties," and they listed some of their more
attractive points:


Now, wouldn't you think that cooking, freezing, and storing kids would be
ENOUGH entertainment?
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From: mhr@ccicpg.UUCP (Mark Hull-Richter)
Subject: Commercials

Heard this one in a commercial for Thieves Market ( a "low price" shoe
and boot seller here in SoCal) where they were claiming to have a "real"
sale, not like those others:

"Hey, it's our final going-out-of-business sale!  You better hurry,
because we can't keep going out of business like this forever!"
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From: (Jason H. Elbaum)
Subject: Talk about pain!

The following headline and subheadline appeared on a genuine news article
in the New York Times on Sunday, January 19, 1991 (at least in the edition
I received):

Authorities Say Crew Member
 Takes Pain-Killer for Back

[The article was about a barge worker who was taking pain-killing
medicine and tossed his used syringes into the water;  they washed up on
the beach and authorities closed it.]
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From: (Steven Brenner)
Subject: McDonald's...

McDonald's has a particularly informative advertisement on the radio now:

	"Hamburger, 59 cents; cheesburger, 69 cents ... prices may vary"
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From: (Les Bartel)
Subject: Horse for sale

Seen in the Huntsville (Alabama) Times:

FOR SALE:  Horse with tact.
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From: (Brian E.D. Kingsbury)
Subject: VP gets one right!

Fresno, California                     January 16, 1992

"This president is going to lead us out of the recovery.
 It will happen." --- Vice President Dan Quayle
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From: (Topher Eliot)
Subject: Things kids say

"Daddy, did you know that the air that comes out of your nose smells like
the bad stuff under a skunk's tail?"
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From: (Dale Larson)
Subject: GM Cars

During the superbowl, GM ran a commercial touting the new quality of their
cars.  They listed several makes (cadillac, pontiac, etc.) and said something
to the effect of "this year we have 19 new high-quality cars."  One friend at
the party commented "and hundereds of thousands that are still built like
shit."  Another friend commented "and Japan just bought 2 of the 19."
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Subject: Typo

A quick typing mistake I made this morning that gave me a grin:

>> hawkeye 374>cd /
>> hawkeye 375>cd ussr
>> ksh: ussr:  not found
>> hawkeye 376>
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From: (mark.lawrence)
Subject: Mega_Hurts 


This was found by our Manager of Marketing in a local 'For Sale'

Forwarded message:
> Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 13:27:39 CST
> From: jim (Jim.Williams)
> Subject: Mega_Hurts
> I saw an ad in the Bargain Post this weekend and thought I would share it with
> everybody.
> "286 12 mega hurts mother board with 1 mega ram." $120. Sand Springs.
> I wonder if they are selling due to a pain in the family.
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From: sybase! (Yongdong Wang)
Subject: coupon for GOD

We got a book of coupons in the mail. One coupon reads like this:

		   all you can eat lunch.
                   God only with coupon.
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From: (Ellen K. Seebacher)
Subject: Real losers

I was somewhat astonished to see, as I scanned this morning's _Chicago
Tribune_, a quarter-page ad proclaiming, in huge type,


After trying to visualize the "After" pictures, I checked the footnote:

          * Weight Loss Weeks only (up to 100 lbs.)

Well, that's a relief.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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