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The True News Digest part 16/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Dave Dodson)
Organization: Convex Computer Corporation
Subject: How else would they do it?

Actual sign in jewelry store window: "Ears pierced while you wait"
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Subject: Our national pride...

The Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC has been working for a while
now to include metric measurements in its exhibits, both to improve
for foreign visitors, as well as to do their part to move the US into
the present.

Seen recently at the National Air & Space Museum:

  The XXX-0000 jet engine was the first to be able to produce more than 
  2000 pounds (about 4500 kilograms) of thrust.
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From: (Michael Husman)
Subject: Christmas ornaments

My girlfriend and I were sitting on the floor going through an old box
of Christmas ornaments that my parents had given me.  When I got up,
my girlfriend began to laugh, uproariously.  After several minutes of
her laughing and me not knowing why, she reached over and pulled a small
label off of my behind that had fallen from the box.  It read:

	"Retired ornaments, do not use."
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Subject: Women always exagerate

Source: My wife

   "Women always exagerate!"
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From: (William C. Haga)

True conversation that occurred between my 12-year old stepson
and 15-year old stepdaughter:

Boy:  "[My friend] Aaron's mom is going to church now, so Aaron now
       has to go to kiddy chasm."

Girl: "What??  'Catechism', NOT 'kiddy chasm'."

Boy:  "Yeah, whatever.  Anyway, she doesn't make him go to mace."

Girl: "WHAT?"

Boy:  "Mace.  You know, where you get to go and eat chips and
       drink wine."
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From: (Vijay Rangarajan)
Subject: Stupid questions catagory.

Hey, who says Immigration Authorities don't have a sense of humor ?

At the border when I entered the US from Canada, I was stopped for a
routine check. The officer asked me mundane questions and asked me
for my passport. As he was glancing through it he was asking me more
questions and his preoccupation with scrutinizing the passpost was
getting more and more evident, finally culminating into this question -
"Can I look at some identification ?"

My eyes lit up and I didn't even get time to get over the stupidity  
his question embodied, before which he said, "Well... I guess this
would do" and pointed at the passport he was holding.
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From: (Andrew Beers)
Subject: Materialists

I was talking to a good friend of mine recently, who has no experience with
computers or computer science whatsoever, and so had no clue as to why I
laughed so hard at the joke she unknowningly made.  We were talking about
materialists, whom she referred to as "Object Oriented people"...
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From: (Topher Eliot)
Organization: Data General DG/UX Systems Administration Development
Subject: kid learns new word

A few weeks ago, my 3-year-old son learned the word "investigate".  Later
he came up to me as I was sitting on the toilet, and said

"Daddy, I've come to investigate how big your poops are."
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From: (Mike Cepek, MGI)
Organization: Management Graphics, Inc.
Subject: Driver carries no cash

Seen on the back of a food service delivery van:

             Driver does not
           carry more than $50
             worth of lasagna
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From: (Lance R. Bailey)
Subject: church child care

This was posted on the wall by the Trinity United Church (Ottawa, Ont)
nursery school. (circa 1970)

    Please pick up you children
    promptly after service.

    No refunds after Wednesday.
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From: (Dave Zobel)
Subject: Yin and Yang were here and weren't here

A program which shall remain nameless presented
me with this oxymoronic message recently.
(Programmers take note -- this is what makes
normal humans hate us so much!)

    Press <Enter> to confirm exit
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From: (Kent C Brodie)
Subject: Post-party blues

[The Background]

Back in high school, a good friend of mine threw one heck of a party.
It was the typical parents-gone-out-of-town party, and quite a LOT of
people were invited.   Like most other parties of this nature, this
one was conceived the minute the parents in question told their son
"Now John, NO PARTIES while we're away...".

[The Scene that night]

It was quite the party.  The beer flowed by the gallon, and everyone
got pretty hammered.  One young fellow, feeling a little sick, decided
that he better go outside and lay down a while.

The problem was, however, that he decided to lay down on the NEIGHBOR'S
back yard.  The owner, an elderly lady, did what anyone else in her
situation would do-- upon seeing the body on the lawn, she called the rescue 
squad.   As you can well imagine, the sound of sirens in front of the
party caused quite a panic.   The keg was hidden, the glasses of beer
were hidden, and everyone soon had a can of soda in their hands.  Had
any police come in, they would have found a pretty innocent-looking
party.   (We assumed of course, that the sirens were the cops coming
to "bust" our little affair...)

We lucked out.  No police, and the rescue squad soon left, after awakening
the young man on the lawn.  Everyone found their beers again, and the
party resumed...

[The next 2 days]

John's parents were gone for several days, so we had a pretty good
opportunity to help clean the house.  We vacuumed the rug.  We vacuumed
the drapes.  We found the empty (and half-empty) glasses of beer
and disposed of them.  We scrubbed the floors.   All in all, the house
was cleaner NOW than before John's parents left.

[The day the parents returned]

John was at work that afternoon, and decided to call home to welcome
his parents from their trip.  The conversation went something like

"Hi mom.  Welcome back!  How was your trip?"

	"Good.  How was your party?"

"Um... party?  What gave you the idea that I had a party?"

	"I found a half-empty glass of beer sitting at the bottom
	 of the washing machine......  "
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From: cfctech!teemc!gdls! (Doug Parker - Computer Sciences Corporation)
Subject: more BASIC humor

Teaching a BASIC/Data Processing course years ago, I had a good student
taking a test who couldn't remember the answers to two questions about
different kinds of chips: RAM and ROM. The question asked which type was
volitile and which was non-volitile. Improvising, he responded:

	Which kind of memory is volitile: my brain
	Which is non-volitile:            my notes
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From: (Kevin King)
Subject: Oxymoron newscasts...

Heard this one on CBS news...

Q:  Are you willing to pay more taxes for free medical care?
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From: (Howard Gayle)
Subject: Closing a loophole

(Heard yesterday on KQED-FM, a San Francisco public radio station.)

The IRS announced today that mortgage interest payments for
houses destroyed in the Oakland fire will not be deductible,
since the houses no longer exist.
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Subject: Topical, how Japan sees US-Japan relationship
From: (Ken Iisaka)

From a posting by c152-az@hamlet.Berkeley.EDU (Kester) on soc.culture.japan.

Supposed to be true.

We often see T-shirts proclaiming: "Buy American!" around.  However, in Japan,
you see T-shirts screaming out:

                            "Buy America!"
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From: (D.M.)
Subject:    Non-smoking ... well, semi-smkoking ...

From the Ottawa Citizen, an Article by Michael Farber, a Montreal Gazette

The organizing committee [for the winter Olympics] (COJO) in conjunction with
the World Health Organization, has declared these the first non-smoking
Olympics.  Sort of.  The motto of the Games is "Smoking is not my nature,"
but an accompanying COJO statement reads, "All venues are to be non-smoking
except for venues that have smoking."
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From: (D.M.)
Subject:    Okay, okay, I believe you ...

From the Ottawa Citizen, an Article by Michael Farber, a Montreal Gazette

The IOC is using a new saliva test to determine the sex of athletes.
Instead of verifying the double-X chromosome found in females by the
Barr test that IOC adopted 25 years ago, it test for the Y chromosome
found in males.  The test has been developed by a French doctor,
Bernard Dingeon.

In Calgary four years ago, one competitor failed the Barr test, but was
declared a woman after a physical examination.
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From: (J S Greenfield)
Subject:  A truly courageous answer

The "What is courage?" story may be urban legend, but here is one that is

About four or five years ago, while I was visiting my parents, my father
read to me an answer from an exam he had given (college-level).  It started
with a terribly misguided attempt to solve a problem, and ended something
like this:

"This is probably nowhere close to correct.  Please feel free to laugh
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From: (Rajeev Jog)
Subject: Joke: Nothing more certain than death AND taxes

[From the Wall Street Journal, January 29, 1992]

The widow of a man who had been a client of Harab, Kamerow & Associates,
CPAs, Rovkville, Md., filed a return for her late husband in 1991.  Here
are excerpts from a letter addressed recently to the dead man by the IRS's
Taxpayer Assistance Section in Atlanta:
	"We are processing you gift tax return, Form 709, for calendar
	year 1990 and find we need more information.  Please provide
	your date of death.
	"...If we do not hear from you, your account may reflect 
	incomplete or incorrect information. ... If you have any questions
	about this lettter, ... you may call the IRS telephone number
	listed in your local directory..., but the office at the address
	shown on this letter is most familiar with your case. ... We
	apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you, and 
	thank you for your cooperation."

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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