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The True News Digest part 15/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Gary Stephens)
Subject: On-the-job training

From the Irish Times, Monday 11th November, 1991...

   CANBERRA - Tax authorities have told a South Australian brothel it must
provide training for employees or face taxation penalties. The requirement,
revealed by the opposition, relates to a scheme which provides that employers
with an annual payroll of more than about #96,000 must spend a minimum of one
per cent of that on training.

   "Naturally, all of us are wondering what sort of training programmes the
Australian Taxation Office has in mind" the opposition trade spokeman, Mr
Alexander Downder, said. - (Reuter)
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Subject: Original, true, Doberman lover

    When my father moved to a city several hundred miles away, last
year, he gave away his dog, a beautiful Doberman Pincer, to my sister.
My sister's family had always loved this dog, and presented him with a
sweatshirt that sported a picture of a "doby" on the front.
    Last Summer, my father sighted a dog catcher talking to people up
and down his street. Dad went out to talk to him and ask what was going
on. The dog catcher replied that there had been some complaints in the
area of a doberman raiding and tipping over garbage cans. 

    Dad remarked that that was interesting since he hadn't seen a
doberman running around in this neighborhood, and didn't even know of
anyone that might have one. After a minute, the dog catcher left and
continued on down the street. 

    Dad walked back inside and related the incident to mom, she asked
if the dog catcher believed him. 

    "Why shouldn't he?" replied dad. 

     She said, "You are  wearing your "doberman" shirt!
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Subject: Re: Original, true, moving days 

  My cousin Steve and his wife were moving into a new apartment.
However, at the last minute, Steve was called away on business. My
brothers and I volunteered to help his wife move the furniture and
boxes over. The new apartment was on the third floor, no elevator, we
had to haul everything up the stairs. 
  Then we got to the couch. Big heavy thing, but we dutifully hauled it
up the three flights of stairs, opened the apartment door and tried to
get it in. No way, we turned it, we tipped it, we stood it on end, we
could get it into the kitchen, but couldn't get around the tight corner
and through the narrow doorway to the livingroom. It was just three
inches too wide no matter which way we turned it. After some discussion
about leaving it there in the kitchen (it took up all but about 6
inches of the floor space,) we hauled it back out into the hall.
  Then we looked out the balcony, the ends of the entrance hall were
done in a wrought iron grill that overlooked the parking lot. We hauled
the couch back down the stairs, rested while we caught our breath for a
minute and then started to pass it up the outside of the building. A
couple of us ran up the stairs to the second floor landing and stuck
our hands through the iron grill and held the couch. Then the remaining
people ran up to the third floor landing and took the couch (with hands
through the grill,) to hold it. Finally, the second floor crew ran into
the apartment and leaned out over top of the 6 foot high iron grill on
the apartment's balcony and pulled the couch over the wall, onto the
balcony, where we moved it into the living room through the sliding
glass doors. We'd have celebrated but we were too exhausted to do
anything but sit on the couch and rest. We agreed that if Steve ever
decided to move again, he was going to be there for it.
As luck would have it. Steve did move several months later.  We eagerly
anticipated Steve's phone call for help, "How did you guys get the
couch in there?" he would demand. The call never came. The next day,
Steve didn't even comment about it. We gave him several more days
before curiosity overwhelmed us and we had to ask. "Steve, did you have
any trouble moving?" 
  "What about the couch?"
  "No trouble, why?"
  We described the process by which we had hauled the couch up three
stories on the outside of the building to get it in to his apartment.
"So how did you get it out of the living room?" we asked.
  "It went right out the front door. All you have to do is unscrew the legs!"
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From: (GarBear Irick)
Organization: Purdue University School of Electrical Engineering
Subject: A tiring journey!

True story...

I was checking the ride board at our Student Union the other day, and
noticed an interesting slip hanging on the peg for California.  Evidently,
the student needs a ride to California, but phrased it a little differently
than most:

"I want to be ridden to California."

That's quite a piggy-back ride from West Lafayette, Indiana!!
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From: (Rob Prior)
Organization: Federation of Sentient Planets, Burnaby BC
Subject: Dr. Ruth Meets the Media

On tonight's BCTV evening news, there was a story about Dr. Ruth
visiting Vancouver.  A quick cut to the scene at the airport, where
A half dozen reporters met Dr. Ruth as she walked out of the customs
area.  Dr. Ruth walks up to the camera, and looking up at all the
people that are significantly taller than she is, asks,

"Why aren't I taller?"

To which came the immediate thought that she, of all people, should
know that size makes no difference...
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From: (Randal W Glass)
Subject: Ms. Eveready

This is a true story!:

My brother is a third year medical student currently in his gynecological
clerkship at a large Chicago metropolitan hospital.  The other day a woman 
was admitted for an unspecified problem, and my brother was sent to examine her.  
He proceeded to ask her for her medical history and the nature of her problem,
and since her responses were fairly vague he decided to forego the complete
battery of questions and to just go ahead and do the physical examination.
He inserted the speculum, and much to his surprise(!) and (I hate to say it)
shock he noticed a large metallic foreign body well inside his patient.  
Keeping rock-solid composure, he closely examined this object and determined 
that what he was looking at was the negative end of a 'D' cell battery!  
In a most professional manner worthy of Hippocrates himself, he and his team 
removed the battery and then sent the woman home.

Well, suffice to say that nothing remains confidential at this hospital 
(particularly this type of happening), and even though my brother took great 
pains to keep it quiet, word got out and spread in the usual manner.  
Later that day a member of another student group approached my brother and 
asked laughingly, "Well, how'd it go with Ms. Eveready?!" 

My brother, who never misses such a great opportunity replied;
"Well," he said, breaking into an evil semi-serious grin, "she was dis-charged."
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From: (Ron Lawson)
Subject: Great paint job

Saw this sign outside an auto body shop on the way to work:

                   |                             |
                   | $ 4 9 9       C O M P L E T |
                   |                             |
                   |                             |
                   |      P A I N T   J O B      |
                   |                             |
                                | |
                                | |
                                | |
                                | |
                                | |
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From: (Alex Newman)
Subject: True story

I love my wife very much, but she has one or two qualities which I
could do without.  The worst of which is that she is very nosy,
especially about objects ("What's in the box?").

We were driving back to Boston from New York City and decided to stop
for some dinner.  We ended up at a 'family-style' restaurant, which
was pretty busy.  I got bored and got some crayons from the "For Kids"
bin, and began drawing on one of the drink coasters.  I finished, and
put the coaster facedown on the table.  Within seconds, my wife had
picked it up to see that I had written:

	"Elizabeth;  don't be so nosy."
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From: (John R. Levine)
Subject: Most ominous news story of the week

>From the Nov 13th Beach Haven (N.J.) Times, in a story about a local
resident's efforts to create a presidential library for the papers of
Grover Cleveland:

  Cleveland served as the 22nd and 24th presidents of the U.S. and
was born in Essex County.  He was inagurated for the first time in
1885 and again in 1893.

  Cleveland was known for the regulation of trusts while he was

  Currently he is buried in Princeton. 
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From: (Aaron Ross Priven)
Subject: Ontario bureaucracy

I was doing research on the election of the Ontario NDP government when I 
came across the following story in the Globe and Mail (Sep 22 '90, pg A3):
apparently, in 1985 when the Conservatives lost office for the first time
in forty years, the civil servants had trouble distinguishing between
those documents that were private Conservative party documents and those
that shouldn't be shielded from incoming eyes.  Said York University 
political scientist Fred Fletcher, "No one had done it before.  They had
a terrible time, so finally they had to resort to common sense."
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From: (Deb Bouchard)
Subject: this happened to me...

This really happened to me:

I was in the dentist's chair, undergoing a painful cleaning, when in the
background, I heard the Carpenters' song, "Can't we stop hurting each other..."
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From: (Chris Preston)
Organization: Princeton High School, Princeton, New Jersey
Subject: Soundgarden...

        Recently I attended a rock concert, where a group called 
Soundgarden did the opening.  During the course of the night the lead 
singer made many punnish coments, but one particulary funny line of his 
went like this...

        "Recently we [Soundgarden] put out a new album.  My advice to you 
is to go out and buy it for you parents, for Christmas.... F!@# ties, 
and cookware... give something you KNOW they'll hate!!"
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From: (John F Stoffel)
Subject: Cthulu's Phone Number

According to my friend mark (, if you dial
1-800-cthulu you get:

"Hello,  Susan Miller, AMEX Money Grams."
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Subject: Only at Rice

Seen on the bumper of a car displaying a Rice University window sticker.

       if youlove('C');

Only at Rice.
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From: (Ian Barkley)
Subject: Truthful Professor

Heard in my Physics 110B lecture (taught by Prof. Strovink):
"Now this equation, to a first approximation, tends to infinite confusion."  
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From: (ron javor)
Subject: Plumbing Philosophy

Bumper sticker seen on the back of a plumber's truck in Los Angeles...
            "Your shit is my bread and butter"
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From: (Bryan L. Stack)
Organization: University of Nebraska at Omaha
Subject: Wang maintenance story -- true

When I was in the Air Force, I worked for a time for an engineer,
Captain W-, who was in charge of installation and maintenance of
computer systems in our unit.  On one occasion, we had to take the
Wang mainframe off line.  When we reconnected it, the Captain made
this announcement over the intercom:

"This is Captain W-.  Your Wangs should now be up.  If you have any
trouble getting your Wang up, call me immediately."

(c) 1991 Bryan L. Stack

Do you think Reader's Digest would print this in "Humor in Uniform"?

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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