[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Gary Stephens) Subject: On-the-job training From the Irish Times, Monday 11th November, 1991... CANBERRA - Tax authorities have told a South Australian brothel it must provide training for employees or face taxation penalties. The requirement, revealed by the opposition, relates to a scheme which provides that employers with an annual payroll of more than about #96,000 must spend a minimum of one per cent of that on training. "Naturally, all of us are wondering what sort of training programmes the Australian Taxation Office has in mind" the opposition trade spokeman, Mr Alexander Downder, said. - (Reuter) = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Original, true, Doberman lover When my father moved to a city several hundred miles away, last year, he gave away his dog, a beautiful Doberman Pincer, to my sister. My sister's family had always loved this dog, and presented him with a sweatshirt that sported a picture of a "doby" on the front. Last Summer, my father sighted a dog catcher talking to people up and down his street. Dad went out to talk to him and ask what was going on. The dog catcher replied that there had been some complaints in the area of a doberman raiding and tipping over garbage cans. Dad remarked that that was interesting since he hadn't seen a doberman running around in this neighborhood, and didn't even know of anyone that might have one. After a minute, the dog catcher left and continued on down the street. Dad walked back inside and related the incident to mom, she asked if the dog catcher believed him. "Why shouldn't he?" replied dad. She said, "You are wearing your "doberman" shirt! = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: Re: Original, true, moving days My cousin Steve and his wife were moving into a new apartment. However, at the last minute, Steve was called away on business. My brothers and I volunteered to help his wife move the furniture and boxes over. The new apartment was on the third floor, no elevator, we had to haul everything up the stairs. Then we got to the couch. Big heavy thing, but we dutifully hauled it up the three flights of stairs, opened the apartment door and tried to get it in. No way, we turned it, we tipped it, we stood it on end, we could get it into the kitchen, but couldn't get around the tight corner and through the narrow doorway to the livingroom. It was just three inches too wide no matter which way we turned it. After some discussion about leaving it there in the kitchen (it took up all but about 6 inches of the floor space,) we hauled it back out into the hall. Then we looked out the balcony, the ends of the entrance hall were done in a wrought iron grill that overlooked the parking lot. We hauled the couch back down the stairs, rested while we caught our breath for a minute and then started to pass it up the outside of the building. A couple of us ran up the stairs to the second floor landing and stuck our hands through the iron grill and held the couch. Then the remaining people ran up to the third floor landing and took the couch (with hands through the grill,) to hold it. Finally, the second floor crew ran into the apartment and leaned out over top of the 6 foot high iron grill on the apartment's balcony and pulled the couch over the wall, onto the balcony, where we moved it into the living room through the sliding glass doors. We'd have celebrated but we were too exhausted to do anything but sit on the couch and rest. We agreed that if Steve ever decided to move again, he was going to be there for it. As luck would have it. Steve did move several months later. We eagerly anticipated Steve's phone call for help, "How did you guys get the couch in there?" he would demand. The call never came. The next day, Steve didn't even comment about it. We gave him several more days before curiosity overwhelmed us and we had to ask. "Steve, did you have any trouble moving?" "No." "What about the couch?" "No trouble, why?" We described the process by which we had hauled the couch up three stories on the outside of the building to get it in to his apartment. "So how did you get it out of the living room?" we asked. "It went right out the front door. All you have to do is unscrew the legs!" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (GarBear Irick) Organization: Purdue University School of Electrical Engineering Subject: A tiring journey! True story... I was checking the ride board at our Student Union the other day, and noticed an interesting slip hanging on the peg for California. Evidently, the student needs a ride to California, but phrased it a little differently than most: "I want to be ridden to California." That's quite a piggy-back ride from West Lafayette, Indiana!! = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Rob Prior) Organization: Federation of Sentient Planets, Burnaby BC Subject: Dr. Ruth Meets the Media On tonight's BCTV evening news, there was a story about Dr. Ruth visiting Vancouver. A quick cut to the scene at the airport, where A half dozen reporters met Dr. Ruth as she walked out of the customs area. Dr. Ruth walks up to the camera, and looking up at all the people that are significantly taller than she is, asks, "Why aren't I taller?" To which came the immediate thought that she, of all people, should know that size makes no difference... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Randal W Glass) Subject: Ms. Eveready This is a true story!: My brother is a third year medical student currently in his gynecological clerkship at a large Chicago metropolitan hospital. The other day a woman was admitted for an unspecified problem, and my brother was sent to examine her. He proceeded to ask her for her medical history and the nature of her problem, and since her responses were fairly vague he decided to forego the complete battery of questions and to just go ahead and do the physical examination. He inserted the speculum, and much to his surprise(!) and (I hate to say it) shock he noticed a large metallic foreign body well inside his patient. Keeping rock-solid composure, he closely examined this object and determined that what he was looking at was the negative end of a 'D' cell battery! In a most professional manner worthy of Hippocrates himself, he and his team removed the battery and then sent the woman home. Well, suffice to say that nothing remains confidential at this hospital (particularly this type of happening), and even though my brother took great pains to keep it quiet, word got out and spread in the usual manner. Later that day a member of another student group approached my brother and asked laughingly, "Well, how'd it go with Ms. Eveready?!" My brother, who never misses such a great opportunity replied; "Well," he said, breaking into an evil semi-serious grin, "she was dis-charged." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ron Lawson) Subject: Great paint job Saw this sign outside an auto body shop on the way to work: _______________________________ | | | $ 4 9 9 C O M P L E T | | | | | | P A I N T J O B | | | |_____________________________| | | | | | | | | | | = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Alex Newman) Subject: True story I love my wife very much, but she has one or two qualities which I could do without. The worst of which is that she is very nosy, especially about objects ("What's in the box?"). We were driving back to Boston from New York City and decided to stop for some dinner. We ended up at a 'family-style' restaurant, which was pretty busy. I got bored and got some crayons from the "For Kids" bin, and began drawing on one of the drink coasters. I finished, and put the coaster facedown on the table. Within seconds, my wife had picked it up to see that I had written: "Elizabeth; don't be so nosy." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (John R. Levine) Subject: Most ominous news story of the week >From the Nov 13th Beach Haven (N.J.) Times, in a story about a local resident's efforts to create a presidential library for the papers of Grover Cleveland: Cleveland served as the 22nd and 24th presidents of the U.S. and was born in Essex County. He was inagurated for the first time in 1885 and again in 1893. Cleveland was known for the regulation of trusts while he was president. Currently he is buried in Princeton. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Aaron Ross Priven) Subject: Ontario bureaucracy I was doing research on the election of the Ontario NDP government when I came across the following story in the Globe and Mail (Sep 22 '90, pg A3): apparently, in 1985 when the Conservatives lost office for the first time in forty years, the civil servants had trouble distinguishing between those documents that were private Conservative party documents and those that shouldn't be shielded from incoming eyes. Said York University political scientist Fred Fletcher, "No one had done it before. They had a terrible time, so finally they had to resort to common sense." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Deb Bouchard) Subject: this happened to me... This really happened to me: I was in the dentist's chair, undergoing a painful cleaning, when in the background, I heard the Carpenters' song, "Can't we stop hurting each other..." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Chris Preston) Organization: Princeton High School, Princeton, New Jersey Subject: Soundgarden... Recently I attended a rock concert, where a group called Soundgarden did the opening. During the course of the night the lead singer made many punnish coments, but one particulary funny line of his went like this... "Recently we [Soundgarden] put out a new album. My advice to you is to go out and buy it for you parents, for Christmas.... F!@# ties, and cookware... give something you KNOW they'll hate!!" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (John F Stoffel) Subject: Cthulu's Phone Number According to my friend mark (firstname.lastname@example.org), if you dial 1-800-cthulu you get: "Hello, Susan Miller, AMEX Money Grams." = = = = = = = From: ROsman%ASS%SwRI05@d26vs046a.ccf.swri.edu Subject: Only at Rice Seen on the bumper of a car displaying a Rice University window sticker. if youlove('C'); honk(); Only at Rice. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ian Barkley) Subject: Truthful Professor Heard in my Physics 110B lecture (taught by Prof. Strovink): "Now this equation, to a first approximation, tends to infinite confusion." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (ron javor) Subject: Plumbing Philosophy Bumper sticker seen on the back of a plumber's truck in Los Angeles... "Your shit is my bread and butter" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Bryan L. Stack) Organization: University of Nebraska at Omaha Subject: Wang maintenance story -- true When I was in the Air Force, I worked for a time for an engineer, Captain W-, who was in charge of installation and maintenance of computer systems in our unit. On one occasion, we had to take the Wang mainframe off line. When we reconnected it, the Captain made this announcement over the intercom: "This is Captain W-. Your Wangs should now be up. If you have any trouble getting your Wang up, call me immediately." (c) 1991 Bryan L. Stack Do you think Reader's Digest would print this in "Humor in Uniform"?
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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