[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: murray@motto.UUCP (Murray S. Kucherawy) Organization: Private Systems Division, Motorola Canada Ltd., Toronto Subject: Garbled communications This is something of a famous event among many CS students at the University of Waterloo. One of the concepts in any CS major program is data communications, and it is important to understand how a message can get garbled. One prof was teaching this to a second-year class, and the demonstration used was to line up everyone in the class across the lecture room, side-by-side. A message was given to a student at one end, and he/she was to pass it on to the next until it reached the other end. Normally the message comes out somewhat different from the original message, proving how communications can become garbled when it goes through many stops. Whatever the message was when the [female] prof started it, some clever soul decided to produce an extreme case of garbled communications... the message that came out at the end of the line was NOT what the original had been: Prof: OK, now what message did you get? End student: You don't want to know. Prof: Come on, tell us. End student: Trust me, you don't want to know. Prof: What message did you get!?! End student: [pauses] "The prof's a dyke." Prof: [blushes profusely] The class had a good laugh about it. I'm not sure if that form of demonstration is still in use today, though... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark W. Schumann) Subject: Joke submission--Bumper sticker Seen on a pickup truck on I-77 just north of Akron: "My kid beat up your honor student" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: Berkeley protesters are SO paranoid... I wandered by People's Park in Berkeley today. This time the guy exhorting the crowd seemed less in touch with reality than usual. He cried "We have to do something. We have to get organized. The government is organized." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Pierre Savoie) Subject: Vachon snack cakes This week I saw a funny ad on the side of a bus for Vachon brand snack-cakes, whose different varieties must be all at least 50% sugar. The ad was a tongue-in-cheek jab at health food labelling, and showed a field of green stuff with the promise: "Contains NO Alfalfa!" Unfortunately for the company, this was the week when many types of Vachon cakes had to be recalled when metal filings were found in the Vachon company's mixing equipment. And some wag had written on the bottom of the panel of the ad: "Also a Good Source of Iron." = = = = = = = From: Bil.Lewis@eng.sun.com (Bil Lewis) Subject: Some kids ain't so dumb I was behind a little girl at a checkout stand. She held two boxes of dog food priced at $0.99 and had two dollar bills to pay for them with. When the cashier explained that with tax it would come to $2.16, the girl hesitated, thought about it, then said "I'll just buy one." She opened the newly purchased box, took out a 20 cents off coupon and bought the second box. I was impressed. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Patrick Fitzgerald) Subject: Love that chicken... My friend and his fiance had just finished watching "Silence of the Lambs" when they decided to get a bite to eat at the local Popeye's. They noticed that the new "skinless chicken" was on special. Needless to say, they passed. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Karl L. Wuensch) Subject: Pee-wee, TV Guide The TV Guide is a pretty straight-laced publication, which makes the headline of their letters page in the August 24 issue all the funnier: Sticking up for Pee-wee Herman = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Michael J Graven) Subject: Hot Wheels The economic downturn has hit the real estate business on the East Coast particulary hard. A few months ago, I saw an English Racing Green Jaguar XJ6 in line at the local bank's drive-through teller. Its license plate caught my eye, even though we have quite a few vanity plates here in New Jersey. "2XPNSV" Now, that's cute and all, but what made it truly amusing was that a few months later I saw the same plate on the back of a decrepit Ford Granada... = = = = = = = From: jhcrai@crygtw.UUCP (James Crain :: GG3F :: 537 7035) Subject: John Holmes look-a-like ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Orland Park, Illinois, a mother has filed a $225,000 suit against a local high school for unreasonable search of her 16-year-old son. After noticing a suspiciously large bulge in the crotch of the boy's pants, school officials thought he might have stashed drugs there. But a strip search revealed nothing but teenage boy. Trying to explain the mistake to the mother, a sensitive teacher said, "I don't know how to put this to you delicately, but have you ever heard of [porn star] John Holmes ?" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Karen Ward) Organization: Oregon Graduate Institute Subject: Oral Roberts' Latest Book [This is true, believe it or not.] While flipping channels this morning, I ran across Oral "Send Me 9 Million Dollars or God will Call Me Home" Roberts hawking his latest book: "How To Get Out of Debt ... Supernaturally" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Alex Lind) Subject: bus driver annecdote - true My grandfather was named "Thure Niels Alexander Lind", but since most people could not pronounce "Thure" or "Niels" and he didn't care much for "Alexander", they simply called him "Bud". As an active member of the local high schools band booster club, one of the things he did for them was to occasionally drive the band bus to different outings. The common practice at that time with regard to the bus driver was that they would post a sign at the front of the bus that read "Your driver is: <first initial>.<last name>". He always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating "Your driver is: B.LIND". = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gary Koerzendorfer) Subject: Sign of the times A sign behind the counter at the San Jose Tower Records store: Needles are not returnable and should not be shared = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Peter E. Wagner) Organization: Department Computer Science, Brown University Subject: Help Wanted Ad Seen in Boston Globe, 9/11/91 FUSSBUDGET WANTED Person wanted to search & examine titles. Must be meticulous, fastidious, exact, precise, orderly, accurate, organized, conscientious, constant, unerring, curious, disciplined, punctual, scrupulous, punctilious, particular, querulous, and finical. I wonder what sort of person they are looking for... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Tony Wang) Subject: True story There I was, stuck behind a queue of cars forced to wait until a sanitation truck finish with it's pick-up. I look over to my right, and there was this late model Mercedes that was squeezed between two other cars, with no more than 6 inches of space between the other two cars (can you see it coming...). So, the Merc decides to use the bump-n-bump method of getting out. On the third round of the bump-n-bump, on the way forward (you sure you still don't see it coming?) he hits the car in front with a little extra ommpphhhh, and....... SETS OFF HIS AIR-BAG. I nearly fell off my bike laughing........ What a way to start a Tuesday. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Brian E.D. Kingsbury) Subject: Come again? I came across these quotes in the Fall 1991 edition of Common Cause Magazine: "[There are] few lies more pronounced than the words uttered by feminists." Rep. Bill Dannemeyer (R-Calif.), April 23, 1991 "There are few male character traits more loathsome than showing disrespect for women." Rep. Dannemeyer, one week later = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Stan Reeves) Subject: Procrastinator Strikes... This letter to the editor appeared in the Wall Street Journal on September 17(?), 1991: Procrastinator Strikes While the Iron Is Warm I must register immediately my outrage at your May 13 page-one article "Procrastinators Club Is Definitely Not Ahead of Its Time." The story serves only to perpetuate the worst stereotypes about procrastinators. Also, the term "procrastinator" is offensive; the correct term is "temporally challenged." Don Nathan = = = = = = = From: PDB059@mipl5.jpl.nasa.gov Subject: Manual or Automatic? A tag from a Duracraft electric fan brags that it is "Manually Reversible". So you can reverse the flow of air by flipping a switch? No. "Manually reversible" means you can pick the fan up and turn it around. Read in the October, 1991 issue of _Consumer_Reports_ magazine. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (David Shepherd) Subject: Re: Math prof. quotes this reminds me of a quote from the lecturer the logic lectures at i attended at oxford univ. the axiom of choice is something you can accept or reject - however, for the purposes of passing your finals i strongly urge you to accept it until then, after that point you are quite free to dispense with it! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dale Larson) Subject: Abstinence is one way to prevent AIDS... A headlline on page one of the September 16, 1991 "Unix Today!" reads: Unix on Front Lines of Fight Against AIDS = = = = = = = From: ISCOTT@ithacaoa.bitnet Subject: A better punch line from a 6-yr old Have you ever told a joke only to have someone come up with a better punch line than the one you were going to say? My daughter, who is 6 years old, is just beginning to really understand humor and came up with a true "Feminist of the Future" response to a recent joke. Here's what happened: I was telling my 14 year-old son a series of "Dumb Blonde" jokes (his girlfriend is VERY blonde..), with my daughter listening intently nearby. After a couple of jokes she obviously understood that the punch line was designed to reinforce the idea that certain members of the population can be very dim-witted. I came to one joke that she decided to get in on. I asked my son, "What do you call a blonde with half a brain?" Before I could give him the answer (the punch line is "gifted") she chimed in with: "A BOY!!!"
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
The Internet Jokebook|
Featuring the very best of netfunny.com on dead trees.