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The True News Digest part 12/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: murray@motto.UUCP (Murray S. Kucherawy)
Organization: Private Systems Division, Motorola Canada Ltd., Toronto
Subject: Garbled communications

This is something of a famous event among many CS students at the
University of Waterloo.

One of the concepts in any CS major program is data communications, and it
is important to understand how a message can get garbled.  One prof
was teaching this to a second-year class, and the demonstration used
was to line up everyone in the class across the lecture room, side-by-side.
A message was given to a student at one end, and he/she was to pass
it on to the next until it reached the other end.

Normally the message comes out somewhat different from the original message,
proving how communications can become garbled when it goes through many stops.
Whatever the message was when the [female] prof started it, some clever soul
decided to produce an extreme case of garbled communications... the message
that came out at the end of the line was NOT what the original had been:

	Prof: OK, now what message did you get?
	End student: You don't want to know.
	Prof: Come on, tell us.
	End student: Trust me, you don't want to know.
	Prof: What message did you get!?!
	End student: [pauses] "The prof's a dyke."
	Prof: [blushes profusely]

The class had a good laugh about it.  I'm not sure if that form of
demonstration is still in use today, though...
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From: (Mark W. Schumann)
Subject: Joke submission--Bumper sticker

Seen on a pickup truck on I-77 just north of Akron:

             "My kid beat up your honor student"
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Subject: Berkeley protesters are SO paranoid...

I wandered by People's Park in Berkeley today.  This time the guy exhorting
the crowd seemed less in touch with reality than usual.  He cried "We have
to do something.  We have to get organized.  The government is organized."
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From: (Pierre Savoie)
Subject: Vachon snack cakes

   This week I saw a funny ad on the side of a bus for Vachon brand
snack-cakes, whose different varieties must be all at least 50% sugar.  The
ad was a tongue-in-cheek jab at health food labelling, and showed a field
of green stuff with the promise:  "Contains NO Alfalfa!"

   Unfortunately for the company, this was the week when many types of
Vachon cakes had to be recalled when metal filings were found in the Vachon
company's mixing equipment.  And some wag had written on the bottom of the
panel of the ad:  "Also a Good Source of Iron."
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From: (Bil Lewis)
Subject: Some kids ain't so dumb

  I was behind a little girl at a checkout stand.  She held two boxes of dog
food priced at $0.99 and had two dollar bills to pay for them with.  When
the cashier explained that with tax it would come to $2.16, the girl
hesitated, thought about it, then said "I'll just buy one."  

  She opened the newly purchased box, took out a 20 cents off coupon and
bought the second box.

  I was impressed.
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From: (Patrick Fitzgerald)
Subject: Love that chicken...

My friend and his fiance had just finished watching "Silence of the
Lambs" when they decided to get a bite to eat at the local Popeye's.
They noticed that the new "skinless chicken" was on special.

Needless to say, they passed.
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From: (Karl L. Wuensch)
Subject: Pee-wee, TV Guide

     The TV Guide is a pretty straight-laced publication, which makes
the headline of their letters page in the August 24 issue all the funnier:

                         Sticking up for
                         Pee-wee Herman
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From: (Michael J Graven)
Subject: Hot Wheels

The economic downturn has hit the real estate business on the East
Coast particulary hard.  A few months ago, I saw an English Racing 
Green Jaguar XJ6 in line at the local bank's drive-through teller.
Its license plate caught my eye, even though we have quite a few 
vanity plates here in New Jersey.


Now, that's cute and all, but what made it truly amusing was that
a few months later I saw the same plate on the back of a decrepit 
Ford Granada... 
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From: jhcrai@crygtw.UUCP (James Crain :: GG3F :: 537 7035)
Subject: John Holmes look-a-like


  In Orland Park, Illinois, a mother has filed a $225,000 suit against a
  local high school for unreasonable search of her 16-year-old son. After
  noticing a suspiciously large bulge in the crotch of the boy's pants, 
  school officials thought he might have stashed drugs there. But a strip 
  search revealed nothing but teenage boy. Trying to explain the mistake 
  to the mother, a sensitive teacher said, "I don't know how to put this to 
  you delicately, but have you ever heard of [porn star] John Holmes ?"
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From: (Karen Ward)
Organization: Oregon Graduate Institute
Subject: Oral Roberts' Latest Book

[This is true, believe it or not.]

While flipping channels this morning, I ran across 
Oral "Send Me 9 Million Dollars or God will Call Me Home" Roberts
hawking his latest book:

   "How To Get Out of Debt ... Supernaturally"
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From: (Alex Lind)
Subject: bus driver annecdote - true

My grandfather was named "Thure Niels Alexander Lind", but since most
people could not pronounce "Thure" or "Niels" and he didn't care much
for "Alexander", they simply called him "Bud". As an active member of
the local high schools band booster club, one of the things he did for
them was to occasionally drive the band bus to different outings.  The
common practice at that time with regard to the bus driver was that they
would post a sign at the front of the bus that read "Your driver is:
<first initial>.<last name>".  He always got a kick out of watching the 
reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of
the bus stating "Your driver is: B.LIND".
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From: (Gary Koerzendorfer)
Subject: Sign of the times

A sign behind the counter at the San Jose Tower Records store:

                  Needles are not returnable
                   and should not be shared
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From: (Peter E. Wagner)
Organization: Department Computer Science, Brown University
Subject: Help Wanted Ad

Seen in Boston Globe, 9/11/91


Person wanted to search & examine titles.  Must be meticulous,
fastidious, exact, precise, orderly, accurate, organized,
conscientious, constant, unerring, curious, disciplined, punctual,
scrupulous, punctilious, particular, querulous, and finical.

I wonder what sort of person they are looking for...
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From: (Tony Wang)
Subject: True story

There I was, stuck behind a queue of cars forced to wait until a
sanitation truck finish with it's pick-up. I look over to my right,
and there was this late model Mercedes that was squeezed between two
other cars, with no more than 6 inches of space between the other 
two cars (can you see it coming...). So, the Merc decides to use the 
bump-n-bump method of getting out. On the third round of the bump-n-bump,
on the way forward (you sure you still don't see it coming?) he hits the
car in front with a little extra ommpphhhh, and.......


I nearly fell off my bike laughing........

What a way to start a Tuesday.
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From: (Brian E.D. Kingsbury)
Subject: Come again?

I came across these quotes in the Fall 1991 edition of Common Cause

"[There are] few lies more pronounced than the words uttered by

      Rep. Bill Dannemeyer (R-Calif.), April 23, 1991

"There are few male character traits more loathsome than showing
 disrespect for women."

      Rep. Dannemeyer, one week later
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From: (Stan Reeves)
Subject: Procrastinator Strikes...

This letter to the editor appeared in the Wall Street Journal on 
September 17(?), 1991:

Procrastinator Strikes While the Iron Is Warm

	I must register immediately my outrage at your May 13 page-one 
article "Procrastinators Club Is Definitely Not Ahead of Its Time."
The story serves only to perpetuate the worst stereotypes about 
procrastinators.  Also, the term "procrastinator" is offensive; the
correct term is "temporally challenged."

								   Don Nathan
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Subject: Manual or Automatic?

A tag from a Duracraft electric fan brags that it is "Manually Reversible".
So you can reverse the flow of air by flipping a switch?  No.  "Manually
reversible" means you can pick the fan up and turn it around.

Read in the October, 1991 issue of _Consumer_Reports_ magazine.
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From: (David Shepherd)
Subject: Re: Math prof. quotes

this reminds me of a quote from the lecturer the logic lectures at i
attended at oxford univ.

	the axiom of choice is something you can accept or
	reject - however, for the purposes of passing your
	finals i strongly urge you to accept it until then,
	after that point you are quite free to dispense
	with it!
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From: (Dale Larson)
Subject: Abstinence is one way to prevent AIDS...

A headlline on page one of the September 16, 1991 "Unix Today!" reads:

	Unix on Front Lines of Fight Against AIDS
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From: ISCOTT@ithacaoa.bitnet
Subject: A better punch line from a 6-yr old

Have you ever told a joke only to have someone
come up with a better punch line than the one you
were going to say?  My daughter, who is 6 years
old, is just beginning to really understand humor
and came up with a true "Feminist of the Future"
response to a recent joke.  Here's what happened:

I was telling my 14 year-old son a series of "Dumb
Blonde" jokes (his girlfriend is VERY blonde..),
with my daughter listening intently nearby.  After
a couple of jokes she obviously understood that
the punch line was designed to reinforce the idea
that certain members of the population can be very

I came to one joke that she decided to get in on.
I asked my son, "What do you call a blonde with
half a brain?"  Before I could give him the answer
(the punch line is "gifted") she chimed in with:

           "A BOY!!!"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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