[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: sun.eng.sun.com!megatest!jao@decwrl.UUCP (John Oswalt) Subject: Answering questions before they're asked I got this from the Sunday, August 4, 1991 Daily Bulletin of the North American Bridge Championships: Brian Nenninger, 15, and Andy Stark, 16, had been asked lots of questions because of their youthful appearance. Then they had an idea -- they would prepare a card to show their opponents each round! Here's what they came up with: West: Brian Nenninger, 15 East: Andy Stark, 16 We are not related. We live in northern Virginia. We have been playing for about a year. Our parents are not here and don't play. We learned to play at school. Further questions: $30 each = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gary Stephens) Subject: Smutty quote from snooker (billiards-type game) player Alex Higgins on his match with the world's top woman snooker player : "I held her tight under the baulk cushion" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Edward J. Groth) Subject: Be sure to tell us when you die Heard on NYC's WCBS News Radio yesterday: Dr. Mumble died of AIDS related infections but didn't tell that to his patients. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mark Hayes) Subject: software licenses From the sealed envelope of a software upgrade I just received: BY OPENING THIS PACKAGE, YOU AGREE TO ALL THE TERMS OF THE ENCLOSED SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH THESE TERMS, RETURN THE UNOPENED PACKAGE TO THE PLACE WHERE YOU OBTAINED IT FOR A FULL REFUND. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Gary Stephens) Subject: Not exactly topical, but would be funnier if following closely on the Forwarded to me by my brother... i've no idea where it came from... <headers removed> This is from the Stanford Univ. BBoard Did you all see that article in the Sunday Examiner about yawning? Page 3 of the Sunday Punch section, in case you missed it. Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning", describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned. The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3 months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning. Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Neither Rain, Nor Sleet... The news reported today that the much anticipated opening of Christo's latest environmental artwork, a collection of 4000 twenty foot umbrellas along I-5 in Northern California, had been delayed for one day. Because of rain. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (John R Pope) Subject: PC speak I heard, recently, on BBC Radio 4 of PC and its use in the States. I understand that PC lingo for `black' (as in one's skin colour) is now `African American'. The announcer told of one reporter who was desparately trying to be PC and asked ``Now Mr. Mandela, as an African American, how does it feel.......'' = = = = = = = From: peter@ontmoh.UUCP (Peter Renzland) Organization: Ontario Ministry of Health -- GOMIG BBS, Toronto, Canada Subject: Snakes, and Fishes, and Computers At last night's Unix Unanimous meeting David Tilbrook was raving about the performance of HP's new Snake computer, having just taken delivery of one the day before. Convinced of the quality of the machine, but wondering if it was actually shipping to mere mortals, someone asked: "What would happen if I phoned HP and told them I wanted a Snake?" Without hesitation, Evan Leibovitch replied: "They'd send you a salesman." (Reminds me of one David Tilbrook told the other day:) Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a computer salesman? A: One's a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger, and the other's some kind of a fish. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Joseph Wagner) Subject: Funny headline During the 1988 presidential campaign, a local newspaper ran the following headline after one of the Bush/Dukakis debates: BUSH, DUKAKIS BUTT HEADS = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: Message of the Day The following is a paraphrase of the start up message that appeared on our ULTRIX workstation. The orginal was accidentally lost when we tried to use the machine to do something useful. Well, boys and girls, the forces of light have once again defeated the forces of darkness (known as ULTRIX) and we have completed the system upgrade. After consulting with a numerologist, we decided that 4.0 was unlucky and have gone directly to version 4.1. In doing the upgrade we have attempted to return the system to the same basic condition it was in when we started. We have, of course, failed in this attempted and that program that you were depending on will no longer work. That's not really very important, however, since the data file that contained the accumulated results of your academic career has also been destroyed. You should report all such problems to us so that we can say, "Gee, that's too bad." We might even try to do something about it; you never can tell. By the way, neither the printers nor the mail system are working at the moment. Have a nice day! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Organization: University of Arizona, Atmospheric Sciences Subject: President resting... Did anyone notice in the news the other night where Pres. Bush was talking to to a police convention or something, and he said that "..We will not rest until all the hostages are free..." He is presently on a month vaction in Maine and took out time to go and speak at this police convention. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Paul Spencer) Organization: Silicon Graphics Advanced Systems Division Subject: Well-named restaurant From clari.canada.trouble: (copyrighted) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (VANCOUVER) The cleanup continues following an early morning explosion on Vancouver's west side. Two restaurants, ``DYNAMITE PIZZA'' and the Orchid Garden Singapore-Thai restaurant, were levelled. Several other businesses suffered heavy damage. Fire officials believe the explosion was caused by a restaurant worker who was using gas to clean an oven. He's in criticial condition with second and third degree burns to his entire body. The blast knocked out windows more than one-hundred feet away and there are huge plates of glass all over the street and shards litter the sidewalks. Two banks have had their windows blown out, so police have sealed the area to prevent looting. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (M_KENNY) Subject: File Under "Linkletter, Art" My two-year old son was watching me write a letter home one day, when he said "Daddy, my butt sneezed" = = = = = = = From: MAILER-DAEMON@uunet.uu.net (Mail Delivery Subsystem) Subject: The Peter Principle ------- Seen today at work: ============================= Subject: Video Tape Presentation Rescheduled ------- Sorry for the short notice, but I have just discovered that the Kennedy Conference Room is needed for another meeting at 11:00. Therefore, I've rescheduled the showing of THE PETER PRINCIPLE: WHY THINGS ALWAYS GO WRONG to 3:00 today. Hope to see you there, = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Joe Voros) Organization: Department of Physics, Monash University Subject: Unswerving Couriers I saw this on the side of a local transport courier van: "Virgin Couriers -- We Don't Mess Around." = = = = = = = From: lipkin@sono.UUCP (Betty Lipkin) Subject: How to handle door to door newspaper peddlers I do not want to receive a daily paper at home, but that doesn't stop the sales people from coming to my door. A few months ago, one such person made the mistake to ring my doorbell. I really don't like to be rude, so I told him I was illiterate, so a getting a daily paper would be a waste. His only comment was "I'm really sorry!", then he turned and walked away... haven't had a newspaper peddler come by since! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael Gardi) Subject: Heard at a little league game - true story My son was playing center field in a baseball game the other night. At his level (he's 7) center field is about 6 feet behind second base. With a runner on first, the next batter hit one right up the middle. When it got to my son a bad bounce ;-) caused him to miss the ball, but it bounced off his chest right to the second baseman for the force out. When the inning was over he ran up to me and in an excited voices said, "Did you see what happened? Boy its a good thing I have great reflections!" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ajay Shah) Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA Subject: Ties and the Macintrash Jon Bentley started a presentation on prototyping, little languages, etc. He was going to use awk as a vehicle in this presentation, so he started off by saying "In case you don't already know awk, do not fear: it's a lot like C. Consider, for example, this trivial awk program". He put a slide into the overhead projector containing a simple awk program. Suddenly, the flow of the presentation choked. He looked hard at the screen, obviously stumped by his own tiny awk program. Finally, inspiration shone upon his face. Urgently, he tore his tie off and flung it across the floor. "It's really true, you can't program with a tie on!". _________________________ One day, a marketing guy came in to sit in a technical meeting. As he marched into the room, the chairman of the meeting walked up close to him and carefully undid his tie, saying "This is an engineering meeting. You need the blood to flow to your head". _________________________ About a year ago, a study published in _Academic_Computing_ entitled "Student Writing: Can the Machine Main the Message" suggested that college freshmen using Macintoshes wrote poorer essays than students using DOS-based computers. The researcher ran the compositions through the Unix Writer's Workbench and tallied the scores. She also graded them by hand. Apart from inferior writing quality, she also found that students using PCs, generally speaking, created more coherent work on more serious issues (like crime, the death penalty and abortion) as compared with Macintosh users, who wrote about fast food and graffiti. ( Notice that this was a while ago, before Windoze. What do you think freshman students who used TeX wrote about? )
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
The Internet Jokebook|
Featuring the very best of netfunny.com on dead trees.