Best of Jokes Current Jokes RHF Home Search Sponsor RHF?
Fun Stuff & Jokes
Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

The True News Digest part 9/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: Less is More

The New York Times notes that the Lord's Prayer contains 56 words, the
23rd Psalm 118 words, the Gettysburg Address 226 words, and the Ten
Commandments 297 words, while the U.S. Department of Agriculture
directive on pricing cabbage weighs in at 15,629 words.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Jason Freund)
Subject: Grocery Store

I like it when grocers in the check-out line try to make friendly small 

One time I bought a can of lighter fluid and some orange juice concentrate: 
"Mmmm, Having a barbeque tonight, huh?"
"No.  Mixed drinks."
The bagger busted up laughing.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: Apologies

   I have several students working for me, doing early morning system
backups.  One in particular had immigrated to the United States.  He
is a brilliant and dedicated person, and he had been raised to be very

   One early morning I got a call from him about a problem (early
morning problem calls are a routine part of my job).  He was very
apologetic about waking me up, and expressed concern that he hoped I
would not get mad at him for it.  I laughed it off, and told him that
wake-up calls are part of my job.  After we resolved the problem, he
again apologized for waking me up, and we hung up.

   Later that day, I ran into him on campus...

   "Hi.  I'm sorry I woke you up this morning."

   "No problem.  That's what I get paid for."

   "Well, still I'm sorry. I hope you're not mad at me."

   "Look, I'm not mad at you.  But if you don't quit apologizing, I will
get mad at you."

   "Oh...," and in all seriousness, "well, I'm sorry I apologize so much."

   I couldn't help myself.  I burst out laughing.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Marc Cooper)
Subject: On a WHAT?!

	From: [Deleted to preserve ego]          
	Subject: GIF viewer on VT100
	Date: 10 Jun 91 23:12:21 GMT
	Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation

	Does anyone know of a Un*x program that will let me view GIFs on a
	standard VT100 dumb text terminal ?

	[Sig deleted]


Hmmm.. maybe you could do it by character density... :-)
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (DJ Delorie)
Subject: Kentucky Fried Chicken

Spoken by my wife, without realizing what she said:

	"Colonel Sanders?  Oh, he's dead.  He kicked the bucket a
	long time ago."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Richard Kershenbaum)
Organization: The University of Kansas
Subject: The late Mr. Dobbins

From an Associated Press story in the Kansas City Star, 6/12/91:

FORT WORTH, Texas -- A shooting victim was declared dead and sent to a morgue,
where a worker found him still breathing and sent him back to the hospital,
investigators said.  The victim was put on a respirator but soon died.

"It was nobody's fault," said James Kirkpatrick, a medical examiner's
investigator.  "He was sent over a little early."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Organization: GE Corporate R&D Center
Subject: Diversity in events

  The company official social organization often sponsors various events
for employees. I was looking at the schedule and noted that on Jun 22
the event will be the New York City Opera doing _A little Night Music_,
while the following night the event is _Hulk Hogan vs. Sergeant
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Steven M Kosloske)
Subject: Another use for Print Shop

Seen in a local Dairy Queen:

A small piece of yellow typewriter paper with the unmistakable Print Shop
type graphics/font on it.  The graphic was an Ice Cream Bar.  The text said
GOOD FOR ONE FREE DILLY BAR.  Next to the piece of paper was written:
"Do NOT accept these."

I have to wonder how many of these passed through before a manager
caught it.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (lloyd allison)
Subject: an economist led recovery

An article in `The Age' newspaper 13/6/91 discussed the increase in numbers
of skilled workers leaving Australia in the last couple of years.
It ended with an optimistic footnote:

To every cloud, however, there is a silver lining.
In 1985-86 there was a net loss of only three Australian
economists. In 1989-90, however, we had a very favourable
trade balance, exporting 60 more Aussie economists than
we took back. This might be just what the economy needs to
recover from their advice.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: Name of a small town

   There is a small town in Western Maryland, called "Accident".  This
raises all sorts of fun possibilities.

   For instance, the founding fathers were wise enough to not put a
road nearby named "Purpose".  Can you imagine calling for a tow truck,
and trying to tell them, "Hi.  I ran out of gas by Accident, on
Purpose, but I didn't mean to."

   There is a small business in this town that sells ambulances,
Accident Ambulance Service.

   Really - no joke.  Accident, MD is just north of Deep Creek Lake,
on U.S. Route 219.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Doug Carter)
Subject: zoo doo

I saw this in alt.folklore.urban:

> > By the way, it is plausible that the disposal of exotic animal wastes is 
> > regulated by law, custom, or common sense to prevent the introduction of 
> > exotic diseases and/or parasites into native populations.  
> At one time the San Francisco Zoo was selling "Zoo Doo" for gardners.

I think they still do.  Nothing like mulching with a nice sack of
tiger shit to keep the deer out of your rosebushes.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Marcos H. Woehrmann)
Subject: cute address in iso list

Listed amongst the various member bodies of ISO I found the following:
    Kenya (KEBS)
    Kenya Bureau of Standards
    Off Mombasa Road
    Behind Belle Vue Cinema
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Kevin Denelsbeck)
Subject: Dangerous symptoms...

My roommate works at the local animal shelter.  Since we live here in the
progressive (:->) town of Chapel Hill, this animal shelter actually has an
emergency rescue service for animals, replete with a special van outfitted
with animal carriers as well as an around-the-clock hot line used to
dispatch volunteers at any time of the day or night.  Volunteers are
typically assigned shifts of two or three day stretches -- such as weekends --
and carry a beeper and a mobile phone so that they can be easily reached.

Anyway, recently my roommate was talking with another volunteer, whom I'll
call "Hugh".  Hugh related that he was on duty one weekend and got a call in
the early evening from a woman saying that her dog had been hit by a car.
Hugh hurriedly drove the van over there to see a small pooch cavorting happily
around the lawn.  Hugh stopped the animal long enough to give it a quick
examination, and could discover no serious injuries -- broken bones, dislo-
cations, signs of internal bleeding, stuff like that.  The only thing he
found was a small cut on the dog's lip.  He released the dog, which went back
to playing, and he told the woman that there didn't appear to be any serious
injuries and that the dog looked fine.  The woman had been somewhat distraught,
so Hugh added, "If he starts acting strangely, just let us know and we'll
come right back out."  The woman thanked him and he left.  Apparently, end of

Not quite.  Hugh goes to bed that night, gets awakened at 2 AM by a call.  It's
the woman.  She's concerned about her dog.  Hugh asks why.

The woman answers, "He's acting sleepy."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Brad Jacobs)
Organization: Informix Software
Subject: Blind English Readers Unite

Sign recently seen on the back of a Taco Bell cash register:

      Braille menu available.

It was written in English, not in Braille/English.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Mary Ries)
Subject: A study of 3 studies

Study leader to the group:

"We will be using 3 different methods for studying.  Some people like
to learn by indepth study of the meaning of the language contained
in the manuscript.  Others like to use commentaries written by experts
who have studied the manuscript.  And finally, others like to learn by
practical discussion and comparison, often volunteering personal
anecdotes from thier own experiences."

a student excitedly interrupts and shouts:

"Oh yes! I do that!!"
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Ross Williams)
Subject: Grenades fly in chicken row.

From page 7 of the Adelaide "Advertiser" newspaper, 01-Jul-1991, (and
probably lots of other newspapers throughout the world), in the world
news section:

"Grenades Fly In Chicken Row
PESHAWAR, Pakistan: A dispute over a chicken escalated into a pitched
battle in which four people were killed, after two Pakistani tribal
families tried to settle the row with rocket launchers and hand
grenades. The clash occurred after the bird flew to a nearby house
whose owner laid claim to it."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From:!well!alcmist@decwrl.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Your tax dollars at work

The government of the USA has outlawed the steroids used for muscle-building.
The list includes testosterone.

This means that having testosterone in your posession is now a criminal

This also means that the government can seize any equipment used to 
manufacture testosterone.  If you see half the population of the US 
protectively clutching their crotches, that's why.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Cindy Tittle Moore)
Organization: ICS Dept., UC Irvine
Subject: Local Theaters: You Never Know

Seen recently at a theater sign in Costa Mesa, CA:

               DYING YOUNG

        Gift Certificates Available

You just have to wonder...
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Danny Rothenberg)
Subject: Shop Sign

Seen on a shop door in Jerusalem, Israel:


(From the "Rest" of RHF)

Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

Best of Jokes | Current Jokes | RHF Home | Search

Get The Internet Jokebook
Featuring the very best of on dead trees.