[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which are amusing nevertheless. The digest is quite long, and it will appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.] = = = = = = = From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437) Subject: Less is More The New York Times notes that the Lord's Prayer contains 56 words, the 23rd Psalm 118 words, the Gettysburg Address 226 words, and the Ten Commandments 297 words, while the U.S. Department of Agriculture directive on pricing cabbage weighs in at 15,629 words. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Jason Freund) Subject: Grocery Store I like it when grocers in the check-out line try to make friendly small conversation. One time I bought a can of lighter fluid and some orange juice concentrate: "Mmmm, Having a barbeque tonight, huh?" "No. Mixed drinks." The bagger busted up laughing. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Phil OKunewick) Subject: Apologies I have several students working for me, doing early morning system backups. One in particular had immigrated to the United States. He is a brilliant and dedicated person, and he had been raised to be very polite. One early morning I got a call from him about a problem (early morning problem calls are a routine part of my job). He was very apologetic about waking me up, and expressed concern that he hoped I would not get mad at him for it. I laughed it off, and told him that wake-up calls are part of my job. After we resolved the problem, he again apologized for waking me up, and we hung up. Later that day, I ran into him on campus... "Hi. I'm sorry I woke you up this morning." "No problem. That's what I get paid for." "Well, still I'm sorry. I hope you're not mad at me." "Look, I'm not mad at you. But if you don't quit apologizing, I will get mad at you." "Oh...," and in all seriousness, "well, I'm sorry I apologize so much." I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Marc Cooper) Subject: On a WHAT?! From: [Deleted to preserve ego] Newsgroups: comp.graphics Subject: GIF viewer on VT100 Date: 10 Jun 91 23:12:21 GMT Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation To: comp.graphics.usenet Does anyone know of a Un*x program that will let me view GIFs on a standard VT100 dumb text terminal ? [Sig deleted] =========== Hmmm.. maybe you could do it by character density... :-) = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (DJ Delorie) Subject: Kentucky Fried Chicken Spoken by my wife, without realizing what she said: "Colonel Sanders? Oh, he's dead. He kicked the bucket a long time ago." = = = = = = = From: RICHARD@lane.cc.ukans.edu (Richard Kershenbaum) Organization: The University of Kansas Subject: The late Mr. Dobbins From an Associated Press story in the Kansas City Star, 6/12/91: FORT WORTH, Texas -- A shooting victim was declared dead and sent to a morgue, where a worker found him still breathing and sent him back to the hospital, investigators said. The victim was put on a respirator but soon died. "It was nobody's fault," said James Kirkpatrick, a medical examiner's investigator. "He was sent over a little early." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Organization: GE Corporate R&D Center Subject: Diversity in events The company official social organization often sponsors various events for employees. I was looking at the schedule and noted that on Jun 22 the event will be the New York City Opera doing _A little Night Music_, while the following night the event is _Hulk Hogan vs. Sergeant Slaughter_. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Steven M Kosloske) Subject: Another use for Print Shop Seen in a local Dairy Queen: A small piece of yellow typewriter paper with the unmistakable Print Shop type graphics/font on it. The graphic was an Ice Cream Bar. The text said GOOD FOR ONE FREE DILLY BAR. Next to the piece of paper was written: "Do NOT accept these." I have to wonder how many of these passed through before a manager caught it. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (lloyd allison) Subject: an economist led recovery An article in `The Age' newspaper 13/6/91 discussed the increase in numbers of skilled workers leaving Australia in the last couple of years. It ended with an optimistic footnote: To every cloud, however, there is a silver lining. In 1985-86 there was a net loss of only three Australian economists. In 1989-90, however, we had a very favourable trade balance, exporting 60 more Aussie economists than we took back. This might be just what the economy needs to recover from their advice. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Phil OKunewick) Subject: Name of a small town There is a small town in Western Maryland, called "Accident". This raises all sorts of fun possibilities. For instance, the founding fathers were wise enough to not put a road nearby named "Purpose". Can you imagine calling for a tow truck, and trying to tell them, "Hi. I ran out of gas by Accident, on Purpose, but I didn't mean to." There is a small business in this town that sells ambulances, Accident Ambulance Service. Really - no joke. Accident, MD is just north of Deep Creek Lake, on U.S. Route 219. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Doug Carter) Subject: zoo doo I saw this in alt.folklore.urban: > > By the way, it is plausible that the disposal of exotic animal wastes is > > regulated by law, custom, or common sense to prevent the introduction of > > exotic diseases and/or parasites into native populations. > At one time the San Francisco Zoo was selling "Zoo Doo" for gardners. I think they still do. Nothing like mulching with a nice sack of tiger shit to keep the deer out of your rosebushes. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Marcos H. Woehrmann) Subject: cute address in iso list Listed amongst the various member bodies of ISO I found the following: Kenya (KEBS) Kenya Bureau of Standards Off Mombasa Road Behind Belle Vue Cinema NAIROBI = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Kevin Denelsbeck) Subject: Dangerous symptoms... My roommate works at the local animal shelter. Since we live here in the progressive (:->) town of Chapel Hill, this animal shelter actually has an emergency rescue service for animals, replete with a special van outfitted with animal carriers as well as an around-the-clock hot line used to dispatch volunteers at any time of the day or night. Volunteers are typically assigned shifts of two or three day stretches -- such as weekends -- and carry a beeper and a mobile phone so that they can be easily reached. Anyway, recently my roommate was talking with another volunteer, whom I'll call "Hugh". Hugh related that he was on duty one weekend and got a call in the early evening from a woman saying that her dog had been hit by a car. Hugh hurriedly drove the van over there to see a small pooch cavorting happily around the lawn. Hugh stopped the animal long enough to give it a quick examination, and could discover no serious injuries -- broken bones, dislo- cations, signs of internal bleeding, stuff like that. The only thing he found was a small cut on the dog's lip. He released the dog, which went back to playing, and he told the woman that there didn't appear to be any serious injuries and that the dog looked fine. The woman had been somewhat distraught, so Hugh added, "If he starts acting strangely, just let us know and we'll come right back out." The woman thanked him and he left. Apparently, end of story. Not quite. Hugh goes to bed that night, gets awakened at 2 AM by a call. It's the woman. She's concerned about her dog. Hugh asks why. The woman answers, "He's acting sleepy." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Brad Jacobs) Organization: Informix Software Subject: Blind English Readers Unite Sign recently seen on the back of a Taco Bell cash register: Braille menu available. It was written in English, not in Braille/English. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Mary Ries) Subject: A study of 3 studies Study leader to the group: "We will be using 3 different methods for studying. Some people like to learn by indepth study of the meaning of the language contained in the manuscript. Others like to use commentaries written by experts who have studied the manuscript. And finally, others like to learn by practical discussion and comparison, often volunteering personal anecdotes from thier own experiences." a student excitedly interrupts and shouts: "Oh yes! I do that!!" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ross Williams) Subject: Grenades fly in chicken row. From page 7 of the Adelaide "Advertiser" newspaper, 01-Jul-1991, (and probably lots of other newspapers throughout the world), in the world news section: "Grenades Fly In Chicken Row ---------------------------- PESHAWAR, Pakistan: A dispute over a chicken escalated into a pitched battle in which four people were killed, after two Pakistani tribal families tried to settle the row with rocket launchers and hand grenades. The clash occurred after the bird flew to a nearby house whose owner laid claim to it." = = = = = = = From: apple.com!well!alcmist@decwrl.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Your tax dollars at work The government of the USA has outlawed the steroids used for muscle-building. The list includes testosterone. This means that having testosterone in your posession is now a criminal offense. This also means that the government can seize any equipment used to manufacture testosterone. If you see half the population of the US protectively clutching their crotches, that's why. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Cindy Tittle Moore) Organization: ICS Dept., UC Irvine Subject: Local Theaters: You Never Know Seen recently at a theater sign in Costa Mesa, CA: DYING YOUNG Gift Certificates Available You just have to wonder... = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Danny Rothenberg) Subject: Shop Sign Seen on a shop door in Jerusalem, Israel: AIR CONDITION PLEASE CLOSE DOOR
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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