Best of Jokes Current Jokes RHF Home Search Sponsor RHF?
Fun Stuff & Jokes
Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

The True News Digest part 8/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: truth in advertising

I was astonished to read the following on a package of sugar today:

"No Salt!
 No Fat!
 No Cholesterol!"

That's progress I guess.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Philip Edward Cutone, III)
Subject: Real unix user horror stories

This happened to me 5 in the morning while Cluster Consulting here at CMU:

User: "What access rights are needed for a user to ls -l a file?"

Me: "Lookup and read"

User: "But I've read the f**king manual 5 times already and I can't
	find it!"

Me: <taking out a shotgun>
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: True story about toes

Quoted in the New Scientist:

A Doctor at Yale has observed that all the fingers have names,
but that only the big toe has a name. He thus proposes names for
all 5 toes:

porcellus fori, porcellus domi, porcellus carnivorus, porcellus
non voratus, porcellus plorans domum.

[For the non-Latin speaking: this refers to the children's rhyme
"This little piggie went to market."]
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: good@pixar.UUCP ("To hell with the Constitution" -- Mike Roos, State Assemblyman)
Subject: I'm from the government.  I'm here to help you.

	The FTC is going to require that the makers of vegetable oils
no longer be allowed to put banners reading "No Cholesterol" on
their labels.  The reason?  Vegetable oil has no cholesterol.

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (P.D.)
Subject: Careful with that Shop-Vac, Eugene!

Cleaners Vacuum Family's Cat
From the Ottawa Citizen, 14 May 1991

Sudbury, Ont. - Cleaners who used an industrial-strength vacuum to clean air
ducts at a local home were surprised to learn that their vacuum had sucked
up a cat named Pebbles.  "We got a call from one of my guys that the
truck was meowing," said Colin Firth, owner of Sudbury Air Duct Cleaning
Systems.  Firth said he thought the workers were joking until Pebbles's owner
Kristina Anderson called to say her cat had been missing since the ducts
were cleaned.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (A. Scottedward Hodel)
Subject: Laser acronym

This joke comes from John Henderson, a graduate student in our department:

In their book, Optoelectronics, An Introduction, J. Wilson and J. F. B Hawkes
explain, "The laser, despite its name, is more analogous to an oscillator
than an amplifier."  A few pages earlier they say, "The word `laser' is
an acronym for `Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation'."
Why this misnomer?  Can you imagine "Light Oscillation by Stimulated 
Emission of Radiation?"  Who would name their invention "LOSER?"
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (@morocco.eng [Doug Landauer])
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
Subject: 20th-century Classical Music Lovers

Connie Howard told me this, and claims that it's true,
that she knows the victim:

The new parents, sophisticated music lovers, decided that their baby
should grow up loving the atonal classical music of the 20th century.
So they decided that positive reinforcement conditioning was the best
way to do this.  Whenever they fed the baby, they would play
Schoenberg, or Ives, or other modern music like that.  Well, it
certainly did have an effect:  to this day, that child (now grown)
hates milk.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Paul A. Sand)
Subject: The Right Tool for the Job?

Monday's [5/20/91] NY Times says: Man driving on Manhattan's West Side
Highway was shot dead by somebody in another car, a victim of a "random
attack." The car from which the shots were fired was "possibly a Monte

[Originally posted to misc.headlines by Charles Packer,; sent to r.h.f with his permission]
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: whaley@decwrl.UUCP
Subject: Do they have ATMs in brothels?

Here's the menu of choices seen at ATM in Cupertino, CA. on 5/22/91:

	Deposit ----------> 

	Account Balance -->

	Get Gash --------->
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: issuance of voice mail boxes

Months ago, I signed up for voice mail.  I now hear through the grapevine that
voice mail boxes were distributed in strict hierarchical order and that they
did not go down even as low as section heads.

Thinking about this a little, I realized that voice mail boxes were issued
only to those who already had secretaries answering their phones.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: Sun RMF

When I recently received a disk/tape expansion unit from Sun, it included a
single page which read as follows:

"Read Me First VCCI 1

 This is a Read Me First (RMF) for this Sun product. This document contains the
 Voluntary Control Council for Interference Class 1 (VCCI 1) statement in
 JAPANESE which should be read before powering up this Sun product"

Unfortunately, I can't read a word of Japanese.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: A gagged audience

Dear moderator,

This is related to current event in China.

BEIJING [UPI] -- Premier Li Peng Tuesday threatened painful
economic retaliation if China loses its MFN trade status with the
US, warning the low-tariff agreement is a "two-way street."

Li was speaking to several hundred foreign business
representatives, diplomats and journalists at a dinner given at
Diaoyutai, China's state guesthouse.  Although more than 100
foreign journalists were invited to the speech, Chinese officials
expressly forbade them to ask questions.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: Obscene likeness ?!?

From "The Docket" (the newsletter of the Civil Liberties Union
of Massachusetts) :

   Commonwealth v. MacKinnon.  CLUM attorneys represented MacKinnon,
   a street performer who was charged with being a disorderly person 
   after giving a performance on the Esplanade.  The MDC police alleged
   that MacKinnon's costume, **which included a likeness of Ronald Reagan's
   head mounted on a cylinder protruding from his open fly**, and his
   performance were obscene and offensive to the public.  They claimed
   that they arrested MacKinnon after receiving complaints from spectators.
   The charges were dismissed.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Haydon)

Seen while walking in an Atlanta area mall Sunday...

	At the local hair salon, a bargain on 'Virgin Relaxer -- $25'

And, seen on a billboard while driving to the aforementioned mall....

	Father's Day Special at the local clinic -- Vasectomy!

The whole car died laughing...
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: Lawyer's priorities

I heard a public advocacy lawyer speak on "A Journey to Justice"
recently.  He said when he looked up justice in a standard reference for
lawyers, "justice" took two sentences.  The phrase, "just compensation", 
took almost an entire page.

Somehow, this didn't surprise me.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Organization: Management Graphics, Inc.
Subject: Of watches and water... (true story)

As told by a coworker (overheard from a woman contemplating the purchase
of a waterproof watch rated for 100 meters):

"I don't know, I usually swim farther than that..."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

Subject: River islands

Heard on the 7:00 am news on May 31, 1991 in Toronto.
- A resident of the Toronto suburb of Etobicoke was fined $500 for removing
  an island from the Credit River.  It seems that this man lives on the 
  shore of the river.  A 15' x 30' island in the river was diverting water
  to his property causing his shoreline to erode.  So he took a backhoe and
  removed the island.  I guess one has to scrape the bottom of the river to
  find justice.
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (John C. Lusth)
Subject: supposedly true desert shield story

Told to me by a friend of a friend to whom this supposedly happened...

Seems the husband was about to be shipped off to Saudi Arabia to
participate in Desert Shield.  Apparently condoms are very useful in
keeping sand out of the barrel of one's rifle. So the husband (in
uniform) and wife went to the drug store to buy a box of condoms.
While they were standing in the checkout line, the wife said

  "I think you should take two boxes. You might be over there a long

At this point, an old lady standing next to them stepped up to the
wife, put a hand on her shoulder and, while slowly shaking her head,

    "Honey, you're the most understanding wife I have ever seen."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Daryl D. Spillmann)
Organization: Department of Agricultural Engineering, Texas A&M University
Subject: Real life Aggie joke

My fellow graduate student, Derek Whitelock, told me this story.  It actually 

Derek has a half-brother, Gordon, who is about five years old.  One Sunday 
after church, they were visiting with their pastor.  The pastor asked 
the boy, "Gordon, when you grow up, do you want to go to Texas A&M like your 

Gordon answered, "No sir.  I want to go to college."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Michael A. Covington)
Subject: Warning found on a can of Freon

"Sudden death may occur without warning. Call a physician immediately."
        =       =       =       =       =       =       =

From: (Pal G Borbely)
Organization: Brunel University, Uxbridge, UK
Subject: odd ad

i've just seen this on a van (belonging to a building company):

              Guaranteed Satisfaction with every erection!

Share and enjoy!
Subject: Alive last month ?

(The following is orginal and was told by my uncle)

One of my uncles was a retired elementary school teacher in a small
village in India. He used to go to the next town first week of every
month to collect his pension. He was required to produce a certificate
from a government doctor that he was alive everytime he collected his

He didn't go to collect his pension for a couple of months as he was
ill and hospitalised. After recuperation, he went to collect his
pension for that month along with the arrears. The clerk in the
office asked him, "Thats fine. This is the certificate showing that
you are alive this month. But where are the certificates to prove that
you were alive the last two months?" waving the medical certificate.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

Best of Jokes | Current Jokes | RHF Home | Search

Get The Internet Jokebook
Featuring the very best of on dead trees.