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The True News Digest part 7/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Lawrence Curcio)
Subject: The Gas Company

Seems the gas company won't trust me because I'm not in arrears. The roomate
who had his name on the account is moving out. I had to go downtown so they
could look me over before accepting me. This same thing happened to a friend
of mine, but they MAILED him a form and he didn't have to go farther than his
mailbox. Why? My friend's account was in arrears. The company was happy to
have anyone take responsibility for the debt. My account was up-to-date, so
they didn't need me. Go figure!
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From: asylvain@felix.UUCP (Alvin)
Subject: Your time will come.

Saw this sign by the roadside at a monument company.  (For those who
don't know, a "monument company" are the people who carve tombstones.)

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From: (Robert L Ullmann)
Subject: cull from clari* Cockroaches in Kharkov Opera

[from clari newsfeed]

As Dave Barry would say, True Item:

	MOSCOW (UPI) -- An upstart television company and cultural officials
in the Ukrainian city of Kharkov are battling over whether to hold
cockroach races in the local opera house to pay off its construction
	Vyacheslav Litvinenko, director of the Tonis television firm, wants
to import ``racing cockroaches'' from America and sell tickets to watch
them compete against one another, the independent Interfax news service
said this week.
	The plan is opposed by the city's Department of Culture, which does
not want to see cockroach races in the opera house.
	Litvinenko, however, told Interfax the normal fare is simply not
drawing enough customers to pay for the opera house, which took 20 years
to build at a cost of 25 million rubles ($14.3 million).
	Litvinenko, who wants to broadcast the event on his TV station, said
``cockroach races are the only thing that can repay the investment'' in
the opera house, Interfax said.
	Taking advantage of last year's glasnost law allowing independent
media operations, small television companies have begun broadcasting to
limited audiences in some of the Soviet Union's bigger cities.
	Kharkov, the country's sixth-largest city with 1.6 million people,
was founded in 1656 as a military outpost and became a Cossack
stronghold on the southern frontier of the Russian Empire.
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From: (Ben Verwer)
Organization: Delft University of Technology, Faculty of Applied Physics
Subject: No warnings pleaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The stardent compiler has a -w option: no warnings.

ben [1] cc -w idontwantwarnings.c
"idontwantwarnings.c", line 1: warning: 4 warnings suppressed by no warn option
ben [2] 
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From: (Martin Soques)
Subject: who said they were a bunch of humorless stiffs?

From the Wall St. Journal 4/25/91...

Due to the high cost of and lack of space for burials, cemeterians [people
who manage/administer/own cemeteries] have come out with a new slogan:

        "Make Money the Modern Way.  Urn it!"
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From: (Gregory March)
Organization: Nynex Science and Technology
Subject: Line from Security Report...

From our company "Systems and Data Security Guidelines":

  1.2.2 Password should not be stored electronically. Do not use login
        procedures that allow you to login to your system by simply
        hitting one or more keys.

Man, I have no budget and now they want me to buy an optical retina
scanner?!? :-) :-)
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From: (Jim Gerber)
Subject: Kennedy's Will Smith                   

True story:

Many years ago (well, a few) I came home from a business trip and showed my
wife a bumper sticker I bought in the airport.  It said:

  "More people died in Teddy Kennedy's car than at 3 mile island"

(See, I'm pro Nuke and my wife isn't)

She replied "Years from now, dozens of people my die at 3 Mile Island"

I asked, "Is Teddy kennedy going to drive a busload of secretaries there?"

She HIT me!
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Subject: A visit by which queen?

From a local radio station last week:

	During her visit, the queen was introduced to the
	director of the acclaimed movie ``Dances With Wolves''
	[Kevin Costner].  She said ``I find it quite
	interesting to meet you.  I have a cousin who is a
	photographer, you know.''  To which Kevin Costner
	replied ``And I'm quite happy to meet you; I have a
	cousin who's a queen, you know.''
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From: (Lee Crocker)
Subject: Big Nuts

From the latest O'Reilly & Associates catalog:

Desktop Quick Reference: The X Window System in a Nutshell.
ISBN 0-937175-24-2, 367 pages.
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From: (Frederick G. M. Roeber)
Subject: Congress cancels freedom

From a UPI news brief of 4 June 1991, about cuts in the
space station budget:

"A House committee, ignoring White House pleas, voted to kill Freedom...."
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Subject: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires

Quoting from an article in the JPL "Universe", a weekly newsletter--

	"Field tests have begun on an airborne system to map wildlands
	fires being created for the U.S. Forest Service by JPL."

My reaction:  Why can't they create their own damn fires?
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From: (Robert Mokry)
Subject: hear, hear

According to the May 1991 issue of Men's Health Newsletter:

Swiss burglar Gregore Roman was convicted after investigators
discovered that his ear matched ear prints on eleven crime victims'
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Subject: boxing

I've noticed the following ad in Encina Gym on Stanford campus:

176 lb amateur boxer looking for sparring partner.  No experience 

I'll pass.
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From: (Brian Kendig)
Subject: Freudian telnet?

A conversation I unwittingly had with another CS major in the back row
of the SPARC room in the computer science building, appropriately
named "Foo Hall":

We had both logged on to different SPARCs, and we were waiting for any
signs of life -- a prompt, anything! -- but of course the fileserver
was either down or far too overloaded to accommodate us, as usual.

Her: "Seems like it's pretty tight today.  How far can you get in?"

Me: "I'm hung pretty well.  We've just got to wait for it to come up."

It took a few discreet stares from the people around us until we
realized the implications of this exchange...
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From: john@chance.UUCP (John R MacMillan)
Subject: Old habits die hard

[ This is true, and it's among the reasons I love Toronto. ]

Yesterday a scruffy man extended a plastic cup towards me and asked if
I could spare $50,000.  I figure he used to be a lawyer.
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From: (David Rochberg)
Subject: True story about a funny ad.

As I was crossing the street on the way to my math final this morning,
I saw a truck owned by the "Guaranteed Overnight Delivery"
Corporation, or G.O.D.  On the back of the truck was written "For
service, call 1-800-CALL-GOD"
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From: (Bill Roth)
Organization: University of Wisconsin Physical Sciences Laboratory
Subject: No where but Wisconsin.....

During the recent(national reported) food warehouse fire near Madison,
Wisconsin, there were a few occasions for chuckles:

The first was the local TV interview with an offical of the EPA, with
a concertedly puzzled look on his face. His comment: We've dealt with
environmental contamination from chemicals, and of course, oil...umm,
but never from butter.

Also: Other places, like Alaska and New Jersey, have oil spills, but
only in Wisconsin would you have a CHEESE SPILL.
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From: rolfe@dsuvax.UUCP (Timothy J. Rolfe)
Subject: Suicide of drum memory

Posing from alt.folklore.computers, forwarded by Tim Rolfe
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>From alt.folklore.computers Thu May  9 13:10:30 1991
From: (Michael O'Brien)
Subject: Beating the drum
Organization: The Aerospace Corporation
Date: Wed, 8 May 1991 23:14:48 GMT

This may have been covered in the flood on this group, but if so I missed

A bunch of us were telling war stories today, and I was reminded of what
I'd have to call a "computational urban legend".  The story goes that
one of the large, early drum memories was being retired.  It was turned
off, and some hours later the movers trundled it down the aisle.  At
the end of the aisle they turned the corner, and the drum promptly
threw itself out the window due to gyroscopic forces.

Did this ever happen?  Firm references, please!
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From: (Kate McKusick)
Subject: Home Boy


Nike Commercial Just Doesn't Do It

Dr. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnatti who
spent two years in Kenya studying the Samburu tribe, took particular
note when he saw a new commercial for Nike running shoes.  The
comercial depicts Samburu tribesmen running in northern Kenya.  The
camera slowly pans down to show them wearing new Nikes.  One of the
tribesmen speaks in the Maa language, and a subtitle flashes Nike's
latest slogan: "Just do it."  Not exactly a literal translation, said
Cronk, who knows the language.  "What he is really saying is, 'I don't
want these.  Give me big shoes.'"

"I don't think he had anything against Nikes.  I'm sure he thought they
were great shoes.  I don't see why they should change it.  It is
really kind of harmless."

--from the Funny Times "Monthly Newspaper of Humor, Politics & Fun"
           Cleveland Heights, OH
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From: ross@aimed.UUCP (Ross Morrissey)
Subject: Bobby Clarke's "Sammy Davis Jr." quote in the Globe.

In today's Globe in William Huston's Truth & Rumours sports column:

Minnisota North Star general manager Bobby Clarke on NHL
disciplinarian Brian O'Neill's delay in ruling on Chris Chelios's
gouging of Brian Bellows' eye: "I got a song and dance that
would have made Sammy Davis Jr. proud."

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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