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The True News Digest part 6/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Michael Woodhams)
Subject: An uplifting experience

The maths/physics/computer science building at
Auckland University was built in about 1970, and
in a typical penny pinching maneuver, obsolete
lifts were installed. As these are now 20 years
old, and spare parts have probably been
unavailable for much of that time, they are, to
say the least, unreliable. Your life flashes
before your eyes whenever you enter one, and an
office mate of mine maintained (over my
objections) that there are no Atheists in lifts. I
lived in constant dread that I would get stuck in
a lift when I needed to go to the toilet.

Anyway, one morning I came in and found that both
lifts were operating flawlessly. (As opposed to
the more common event of operating floorlessly.)
They opened the doors smoothly, they weren't in
their homicidal "close the doors again before they
even completely open" mode, they weren't in their
"sulk in the basement" mode, when they stopped,
you could get out without stepping up or down 30
cm and they took less than one minute between
floors. Inspired by this unprecedented event, I
went up to my office and soon returned to the
lobby with a notice:

"Due to circumstances beyond our control, both
lifts are fully operational. We apologize for any
inconvenience. Normal service will be resumed as
soon as possible."

Sure enough, next morning the sign was gone, and
an engineer had disassembled lift spread around
the lobby for repairs.
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From: (Ronnen Levinson)
Subject: Ah, that British Stiff Upper Lip

From the New York Times, 3 April 1991:


    Looking tired and gaunt but sporting a sense of humor, Roger Cooper, a
British businessman who was held by Iran for more that five years on spying
charges, arrived in Britain yesterday after being released unexpectedly from a
high-security prison in Tehran.

    Playing down his ordeal, he said, "I can say that anyone who, like me, has
been educated in the English public schools and served in the ranks of the
British army is quite at home in a Third World prison."
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From: (Michael J Graven)
Subject: Machine naming

(true story)

A friend of mine logs in frequently from several machines at Princeton.  They
have a lab full of workstations, and every time I see him around, his source
machine has a different name.  Funny names like teller, time, toyou, ofkin,
please, and so on.

Finally, overcome with curiosity, I asked him about these machines.  Why the
strange names?

They're NeXTStations, of course.
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From: (Roosen)
Subject: Cooking with Kraft

Real honest to god recipe on the back of Kraft grated parmesan cheese:

            'The Secret To Thicker Sauce'
                 SPAGHETTI PARMESAN
1 32-oz jar spaghetti sauce            1 16-oz pkg spaghetti,
2/3 cup KRAFT 100% Grated                  cooked,drained
    Parmesan Cheese

Heat sauce according to label directions. When heated, stir in
parmesan cheese. Simmer 10 minutes, stirring occationally. Pour
sauce over spaghetti. Sprinkle with additional parmesan cheese,
if desired. 6 to 8 servings.

Variation: Recipe may be halved.

Sure am glad they explained it!
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From: (Jamie Blustein)
Subject: Stuff Deleted From Waterloo

Here's something I found in the junk newsgroup.  That group, as you
know, is filled with stuff that Waterloo Admin. deletes from the 

Article 42169 of junk:
From: halcyon! (Elf Sternberg)
Subject: Really Evil Happening in Denver
Date: 8 Apr 91 01:41:11 GMT
Organization: The 23:00 News and Mail Service

        How many people here are familiar with the Rev. Robert Larson?  
Runs a talk-show, ministers to Satanists and Pagans and such, tries to 
convert them to J*s*s.  Well, this weekend, someone broke into his 
Compassion Connection (tm) and re-recorded the note on his telephone 
answering service.  It said, for all of Easter weekend:

        Hi, this is Bob Larson, and none of my referral counsellors can 
come to the phone right now; We're all out on golf courses, raping young 
boys.  I hope you have a happy Easter; I'll be spending mine sodomizing 
the Easter Bunny.  If you leave your name and number at the beep, one of 
my consellors will get back to you, after I've fucked them.

        Have no idea who left it, and of course he's using it as a fund- 
raiser ("Oh, how the Evil Ones have assaulted us!  Send money to fight 
this evil!").  But I thought it was particularily evil, and had to be 
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From: ggww@sjfc.UUCP (Gerry Wildenberg)
Organization: St. John Fisher College
Subject: Hamlet question answered.

Some years ago a friend told me of an acquaintance's quick wit.  When
asked for an example he related:

When he first heard the famous quote from Hamlet: "What's Hecuba to
him, or he to Hecuba?", the wit replied "Two shortest books in the
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From: (Warren Toomey)
Subject: How to lose friends & influence people

Taken from a recent article in comp.protocols.tcp-ip by Ehud Gavron:

In article <...>, hliu@UCSD.EDU (Hai-Ning Liu) writes...

#please delete my name!!!!

        Your name has been deleted, and you no longer exist.

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Subject: novel treatment of low back pain

From the New England Journal of Medicine, March 7, 1991 (Volume 324 Number 10):

To the Editor: I wish to report the serendipitous discovery of a
symptomatic treatment for low back pain that, until now, has been
underutilized.  Six months ago I evaluated a 48-year-old retired
airline pilot with a two-month history of ... [unrelated complaint
deleted].  ... he had ... and responded quickly to ... On a follow-up
visit at six months, he reported continued control of the facial pain
but described an exacerbation of his chronic, intermitted low-grade
lumbar back pain.  On examination, he had a mild restriction of
forward bending, mild paraspinous muscle spasm, and no neurologic defects.

When asked about factors that aggravated or relieved his pain, he
related that the only maneuver that attenuated the symptom was flying
upside down in his rebuilt open-cockpit biplane, suspended by the seat
belt and shoulder harness. This treatment had to be administered in
repeated brief bursts, since the aircraft operated on a
gravity-dependent fuel-injection system; after 10 seconds upside down,
the engine would stall and need to be restarted during a dive.  On the
other hand, his back pain was aggravated by prolonged flying in the
usual (right-side-up) position.  In fact, the current exacerbation was
attributed to a recent flying trip with his wife, during which she
would not permit him to fly upside down.

This case raises a number of interesting questions, not least among
them being issues of risk-benefit ratios, cost effectiveness, and even
utilization review, assuming that fuel costs may be reimbursible by
the patient's third-party insurance carrier...  In any case, the time
is ripe for a study comparing this approach with the use of
gravity-inversion boots.

					Robert S. Hoffman, M.D.
Daly City, CA 94015			Peninsula Neurological Associates
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From: (Dr Nancy's Sweetie)
Subject: "But will they require warning labels on"

My wife is a new CS professor, and since she is new she teaches lower-
level courses.  One of her classes is in "Computer Literacy", which is
a course to explain computers to non-majors.

Sadly, some of these people don't pay a lot of attention in class and
try to guess answers to test questions; this week's midterm earned one
of the most original guesses ever:

Question:  Name one advantage of tape as compared to a hard disk for
           storing data.

Answer:    Can listen to it.
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From: (Gregory Wildgrube)
Subject: Intersting weather we're having

In the "Daily Texan" after the election of a editor who said that he
wanted to clean up the language in the newspaper:


        Last Time You May See This Type of Shit Before
        It Gets Censored Weather.  Fucking highs in the
        mid-shitty-80's, with goddamn lows in the sexually
        deviant upper 60s.  The fucklove winds will
        penetrate from the southeast at fuck 15-25 fucking
        mph.  Truthtruth 30 percent chance of rain of fucks,
        some veryveryvery severe, too disturbing to talk 
        about.  Fuck.  Love and [CENSORED].
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Subject: bad technical writing

From "Unisys World   Network Computing News"  March 1991   Vol 9, No 3

"... the Symmetry 2000 achieved a record performance rate of 354 transactions
 per second on a 16-CPU system.  The benchmark yielded a cost per transaction
 of $8100, including five-year cost of ownership ..."    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And I thought $0.15 per check was bad!
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From: (Tom Stockfisch)
Organization: Chemistry Dept, UC San Diego
Subject: tax forms

My favorite quotation from this year's 1040 form (page 24):

	"DO NOT use this chart if you are blind."
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From: psrc@jupiter.UUCP (Paul S. R. Chisholm)
Subject: Double features

The local duplex theater had the following on their marque:

               THE HARD WAY

A few years back, the same theater advertised:

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From: upstill@pixar.UUCP
Subject: rec.humor.funny submission

The following was written and is currently being used as resume cover 
letter by my buddy Dennis Jennings:

	To whom it may concern:

	Well hello there prospective new employer!!! Lookin for that perfect
	new employee? One that's smart enough to get the job done but not
	smart enough to take your job? Well I'm your man!! Yup, I'll be your
	very own sychophant and will do all those nasty, dirty little jobs
	that you don't want to do or just can't do cause you're a tad short
	in the smarts department. When the big boss compliments you on how 
	much you've improved (even though we know it was because of me) I'll
	stand right there and say how terrific you are! Am I good? Yes! Am I
	cheap? Of course! Do I know my place? You know I do BOSS! So c'mon,
	give little ol dj a call and get that career of yours back on track!
	I'll be waiting to hear from you!

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Subject: Lube job

A new TV ad for a Lexus automobile touted a new leasing agreement 
where Lexus will pay for all scheduled maintenance costs for
two years or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first.
The ad finishes with the announcer saying:

  "Just what you've always wanted: a short-term, no-maintenance

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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