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The True News Digest part 5/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (D.S. Cartwright)
Organization: School of Information Systems, University of East Anglia
Subject: Breakfast ... or is it ... ??

I was sat in the pub with a few friends, playing pool and whatever, when 
someone asked me whether I'd made a move with a girl I fancied. The landlord
took us up on this, and said "I'll give you the one chat-up line she can't
give you a snotty response to". Okay, said I. He told me to get her alone,
put my arm round her, kiss her gently on the cheek, and whisper in her ear :
"How do you like your eggs in the morning ??"

To which a voice came from the other side of the table :


[Source of the question as far as I know is Ian Warren, the landlord of my 
 Smart-arse answer courtesy of Kevin Buckler, a chemistry undergraduate at
 my university. But someone's got to be a chemistry undergraduate, I spose ...
 I don't think it's original, but it's funny, I reckon].
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Subject: Folk-yolk joke

	This is one that you can pull on friends that have a good
sence of humor.

Ask: "Have you ever heard the Folk-yolk joke?"

Assuming they say no, ask: "How do you spell Folk - like good old folks?"

After they say F-O-L-K, ask: "What's the white part of an egg?"

Most often they will say "yolk," and of course, that's the yellow part.
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From: (Pete Hickey)
Organization: Computing & Communication Services
Subject: Boring!

At a jewelry store here in town, there is a sign in
the window,

	"Watch batteries while you wait"

Most boring thing I ever heard of.....
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From: (John R. Levine)
Subject: Aviation worm hole discovered

An article in the current Frequent Flyer magazine reports that at Stewart
airport in Newburgh NY each day there are 25 scheduled arrivals and 26
scheduled departures.
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From: (Mark Taylor)
Subject: Admired for what he did best

From a recent article in

"Subject: French say goodbye to favorite sinner

"       PARIS (UPI) -- Grieving fans Thursday placed packs of cigarettes and a
bottle of Scotch among the wreaths and flowers piled upon the coffin of
decadent French singer songwriter Serge Gainsbourg at the Montparnasse
"...  scores of the bereaved clambered onto bourgeois family vaults and swayed
to the strains of such favorites from the chain-smoking, whisky-loving
crooner as ``Lemon incest'' ..."

Well, maybe he was their favorite sinner, after all.
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From: Jordan_Melville@mindlink.UUCP (Jordan Melville)
Subject: Racism?

You should have seen the bulletin posted outside of our Auditorium...
 Our school is performing the play "Annie", and it is the Broadway version
without Daddy Warbucks' bodyguard Punjab. So on the door it said "Sorry, no
Punjabs". You should have seen the review THAT one got in the local newspaper.
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From: (Kevin Strietzel)
Subject: classified ad...

I saw the following classified ad in the computer section of one of the
local newspapers, March 21, 1991.  I can't remember the exact words; so
I paraphrase:

	For sale/trade: computer freak with all
	kinds of stuff, IBM/Apple/Motorola/etc.
	Call 555-1212 nights/weekends.
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From: (Brian Switzer)
Subject: Beware of falling glass.

This is a true story as related through the BITNET mailing list LORE.
The appropriate credits are attached to the text.

Date:         Wed, 20 Mar 91 13:32:00 EDT
Sender:       LORE - Folklore List <LORE@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
From:         Jim Shanesy <JSHANESY@NAS.BITNET>

>Maybe all of that is a Massachusetts characteristic....isn't it the
>Prudential Tower in boston that has had windows falling out of it
>from great height?

I used to work for the Commercial Division of Honeywell, Inc. which
installed the Variable Air Volume HVAC control system in the building
to which you referred.  In a VAV system the temperature is maintained
by varying the volume of air flowing through the conditioned space,
which in turn is controlled by varying the static air pressure in the
supply ducts relative to that in the returns.  It all usually works
pretty well, but in the early days of VAV the techs who wired up the
systems were all the time forgetting to connect the return air fan,
which provides pressure relief for the air being pumped into the

So when they fired up the system for the first time in the Prudential
Tower, it was like blowing up a big glass and steel balloon.  Since
the windows had been set into their frames but not cemented, out they
came.  Honeywell had to ante up plenty on that one.  Each window was
worth thousands.

This also happened at building site known as "The Pyramids" in
Indianapolis, a very avant-garde design by Kevin Roche/John Dinkleoo
Assoc. for an insurance company there.  The windows had been custom
designed and made.
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From: (Rob Slade)
Organization: Chez Cthulhu +1 604 983 3546  "Caterers to the Elder Gods"
Subject: Personal comments on file

Now, I'm not really proud of my beard.  I mean, I only have a beard 
because I hate to shave.  But I do try to keep it neat and clean, and the 
only negative comments I ever get are from females born around 1910.

I am also not fond of Radio Shack's insistence on pumping my name and 
address into the computer every time I buy another battery for my watch.

So I was reall peeved to find that my last invoice stated not that I live 
at "3118 Baird", but at "311 Hate Beard Road".

This clerk's personal comments about my face is going to be enshrined 
forever in Radio Shack's customer files?

(Maybe I should send this to "RISKS-FORUM" too.)
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From: (Clifford Beshers)
Subject: Parental reflexes.

Some relatives have a 5-year old boy named Jeff who has some
speech problems which include using incorrect grammar.  So, they
put him in speech therapy.  During the early stages of treatment,
they were not supposed to correct his speech, since his
self-esteem was pretty low.  But Jeff made progress and gained
some confidence, so the rule became that they were now supposed
to correct him all the time.  This is what happened soon after.

One morning, Jeff was eating his cereal, his younger sister began
to tease him mercilessly.  Rather than fight back, he finally got
up and moved to the other side of the table, muttering, "Me not
going to take that kind of crap."  Immediately, his parents
responded in unison, "*I'm* not going to take that kind of crap."
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From: (Dave Brennan)
Organization: Data General Corp, RTP, NC:  (919) 248-6330
Subject: Marketing blunders

I just heard an advertisement on the radio for "Hooked on Phonics," a
cassette base course for learning how to read.

The announcer proudly proclaims 

   "To order `Hooked on Phonics' call 1-800-ABC-DEFG now!"

I wonder if 1-800-PHO-NICS was taken...
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From: CCEB001@utxvm.bitnet
Subject: The Menudo was REAL hot.  True story

A fire in the parking area at a menudo cookoff near San Antonio
this Sunday (3/24) destroyed over 100 automobiles.  The cookoff
was sponsored by a firefighter's association.

(Menudo is a kind of Mexican soup.  Most nonhispanics would prefer
not to know the ingredients.)
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From: (Dave Iverson)
Subject: Earth Downtime (true)

I logged on to one of NASA's computers this morning and was greeted by
this startling message of the day:

==============================  EARTH DOWNTIME  ==============================
Earth will be down today from 4:30pm to 6:30pm to work on hardware problems.
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From: (Fred Cox)
Subject: Internut

From Leigh Weimer's column in the San Jose Mercury News, of March
25th, 1991:

INTERFAZED - The twain may never meet between Silicon Valley and Santa
Cruz, though.  Dynatech software engineer Tom Cumming and a pal were
talking about electronic mail over coffee at Jahva House in Santa Cruz
when a bearded stranger nearby looked piercingly at Cumming and said,
"Can you read my thoughts?"  Cumming, not missing a beat: "Are you on
the Internet?"
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From: (Gregory T. Byrd)
Organization: Digital Equipment Corp./MCNC
Subject: software that works TOO well?

[From an article in MacWEEK, March 19, 1991, describing
Negotiator Pro, a software tool which "teaches users how
to improve their negotiation skills"]

"'I had a client who was guilty as all get out,' said ...,
an attorney in Monett, MO.  'The best plea-bargain offer
I could get was seven years in the pen.  I used Negotiator
Pro to create a profile of the prosecuting attorney and
my interaction with him.  As a result, I got my client's
sentence reduced to four years from seven years.'"
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From: (Matthew L. Ginsberg)
Subject: you call this free speech?

This is reported by Time magazine:  "Santa Cruz, CA: A university
of California administrator has sought to ban such phrases as
"a chink in the armor," "a nip in the air" and "call a spade a spade"
because they contain words that in other contexts have been used to
express prejudice."
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From: (Akbar)
Subject: Happy Birthday

From the personals section of The Daily Collegian (Penn State's Newspaper) on
Monday, March 25.

     "Dode, a word of advice: If you find yourself arched over the porcelain
      god, remember that the groceries you blow were probably mine.  Happy
      21st!  Love, Wooder"
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From: mhr@ccicpg.UUCP (Mark Hull-Richter)
Organization: ICL North America
Subject: Technobabble

In looking through the COMB (authorized liquidator - that's a laugh
right there) catalog for this month, I came across this absolute jewel
on Page 17 in the photo for the Ricoh Rapicom 120 fax machine:

		9600 Bauds Per Second!
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From: (Ross Mckinney)
Subject: Semi-Official Secrets Act

       Read in Wednesday, April 3rd's New York Times, in an article by William

  "In Great Secrecy, the pentagon is developing a nuclear powered rocket..."

Apparently so...

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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