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Latest Microsoft Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, offense=Microsoft fans)

[Note - below find the latest collection of Microsoft jokes.  Geez, you guys
	really have it in for Bill... - ed.]

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From: (timothyh)
Subject: Micro$oft pays for The Times

In conjunction with the launch of MicroSoft Windows 95, Microsoft
are paying for The Times newspaper, so it will be free.

Anyway, this came up in our conversation at work and is original to us...

It probably means that Thursday's (24th Aug) Edition will be 
bulkier than usual, use more resources, and mean you'll be slower taking
it home.

And in two months time, they'll send out a few extra pages, with scissors
and sticky tape, as a patch.

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From: (Mark H. Anbinder)
Subject: The Microsoft Network is Doomed
Organization: Memory Alpha * Ithaca New York

[Forwarded from a friend in Texas. Origin unknown.]

Top Ten Reasons Why the Microsoft Network May Fail:

10. Works with the same intuitive ease as MS-DOS

 9. Alienates Mac users by assigning them degrading 
    screen names

 8. Designed by same person who coordinates' Bill 
    Gates' wardrobe

 7. Stock ticker only lists Microsoft

 6. Only allows bulletin board posts critical of the 
    Justice Department

 5. Due to first-generation Pentium chip handling 
    billing, average monthly charge is eight billion dollars

 4. Every screen has tiny picture of Ernest Borgnine
 3. Only online magazine is "Ranger Rick"

 2. In desperate attempt to lure "Star Trek" fans, 
    offered free shuttlecraft to each new subscriber

 1. Online fees must be paid in giant stone coins of 
    the Yap Islanders

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From: (Mark H. Anbinder)
Subject: The Bard on Windows 95
Organization: Memory Alpha * Ithaca New York

[Seen on QM-L, posted by Jeff Makos]

"Now is the Windows of our disk content." -- Richard v3.0

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From: (Ted Woodward)
Subject: windows 95?

In Monday, 8/21/95's Austin American-Statesman, there was an article on
the front page of the business section about businesses adopting Windows 95.
The headline read:


Of course, you realize that everything is slow on windows...

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From: (Tim)
Subject: Win95

"All I can say is this computer program had better bake a cake or
 something!  It's gotten a lot of press!"
  - Valerie Voss, CNN Senior Metrologist

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From: (Mark Randall)
Subject: Eight dot three

I saw a great ad in today's Wall Street Journal.

It was a full, 2-page, side-by-side ad.  It had only one large,
centered line:


and a little Apple logo at the bottom.

Devastating. :)

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From: (Sally Smith)
Subject: NOW the hype's gone too far!!!

This morning (Aug. 24) I was surfing the Web and, as usual, clicked on
Yahoo's What's New.

There was nothing on the page except a Windows95 ad.


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From: (S.M. King)
Organization: King InfoMedia
Subject: Re: Windows 95 Commercials

Submitted on behalf of the creator, Trevor Inkpen, Quill Services Ltd.
Victoria B.C. Canada,

Microsoft's pick for Rolling Stones song to launch Windows 95: "Start Me Up"

(Isn't it ironic that one of the lines is "..make a grown man cry..."?)

Bill Gate's message to the world: "Under My Thumb"
Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade"

Song picks for the rest of us:

For those with only 8 Mb RAM: "(I can't get no) Satisfaction"

For those with 486's: "Time Is On My Side"

For those with existing non-Plug'n'Play hardware: "19th Nervous Breakdown"

For Win95 support staff: "Sympathy for the Devil"

After 2 months on the support line: "Emotional Rescue"

For those who would rather use NeXTStep: "Paint it Black"

For everybody who buys Win95: "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: (Funny Guy)
Subject: Even more entries for the Microsoft Digest
Keywords: topical, smirk to chuckle, computers, offense=Microsoft fans

[Note - and the beat goes on... - ed]

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Organization: Arizona State University
Subject: A sign of Windows 95

My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on
one side it says:

I was there at the start.

On the other side it says:

I need assistance.
Please Call Police.

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From: (William J. Evans)
Subject: Windows 95: just add...
Organization: better, but not good enough yet

An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked,
"Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?"

The host's response was perfect:  "You'll have less trouble with
Windows 95 without a computer than with one."

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From: (David Shepherd)
Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion

At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the
Bill Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event,
is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many
things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut".

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From: (Alan H. Zacher)
Subject: Win9x:  REM Ad themesong

After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes,
it came to me that it might have been:

to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)

	Windoze is bigger
	It's bigger than Earth
	But not quite as big as
	The things that I must do now
	To upgrade all my stuff
	Oh no I need more RAM
	I set it up

	That's me in the corner
	That's me on the help line
	Losing my connection
	Trying to keep up with OS/2
	And I don't know if I can do it
	Oh no I need more RAM
	I haven't bought enough
	I thought that I heard you laughing
	I thought that I heard you Ping!
	I think I thought I saw a GPF

	Every nightmare
	Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
	Purchasing new hardware
	Trying to cool my CPU
	Like a Pentium that become a 286
	Oh no I need more RAM
	Resistance is futile.

	Consider this
	The OS of the century
	Consider this
	The OS that brought me
	To my knees failed
	Now all these open apps have
	Come crashing down
	Now I need more RAM
	I thought that I heard you laughing
	I thought that I heard you Ping!
	I think I thought I saw a GPF

	But that was just a dream
	I hope that was a dream...

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Ian Barkley-Yeung)
Subject: Microsoft

I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support line.
The banner said, in big, bold letters:



I though, is that their address -- or their marketing plan?

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From: (Wayne Hathaway)
Organization: Auspex Systems
Subject: About Windows 95 ad campaign

It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up"
instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one
with a title short enough to fit in a filename.

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (mark ashley)
Subject: Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads


	You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !

Built-in Networking 	

	You can crash several PC's all at once.
	No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network 	

	Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your 
	crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will
	be organized.


	Plug and Pray (that it works)


	Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software

	It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity	

	You will need to increase your budget to buy more products
	like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer !
	That's product-ivity.


	Picture of clouds

State of the Art 

	Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.


	It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration

	Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. 
	This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the 
	rest of your life.
MS Plus
	More money for Bill's plus side.


	It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
	so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system.
	See "Increased Productivity".

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: (Funny Guy)
Subject: More Microsoft comments
Keywords: smirk, offense=Microsoft fans

[Note - more Microsoft one-liners - ed.]

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From: (Peter Bonney)
Subject: Ah, so that's the attraction!

Like many computer retailers, CompUSA is touting Windows 95 heavily.  In a
recent ad, however, the dialog between their two familiar radio
person-ad-ities put it all in perspective...

   "Before I got Windows 95 I was just another palooka going nowhere."
   "And what are you now?"
   "A palooka with Windows 95."
   [end of ad]

Inspiring, isn't it?

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From: (Wei-Yuen Tan)
Subject: Watch out, Bill Gates

Seen on the billboard outside The Cecil, one of Vancouver's classier
strip bars:

"If you thought Win 95 was exciting, wait till you see sisters Shauna
and Julia!"

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From: (Larry Salomon Jr.)
Subject: Ultimate in desparation

Heard this in the #os/2 channel on IRC.  Don't know where it came


Seen on a sign, held up by a derelict person:

"Will uninstall Windows 95 for food!"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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