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The True News Digest part 3/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Bj|rn Andersen)
Subject: Security Check

[From the 1991/1/30 issue of Dagbladet, Oslo, Norway. -Bjoern]

Mr Trygve Hildebrand, director of a psychiatric clinic, had to escort
someone aboard an airliner. With the increased security at the
airports, due to the increased terrorist threats, he expected to be
asked to show some identification, so he took with him two letters.

Letter number 1:

	It is hereby confirmed that my name is Trygve Hildebrand, born
	1940/12/22 and director of the Children's Psychiatric Clinic,
	Gravdal Hospital at Lofoten.

					Gravdal 1991/1/15
					Trygve Gravdal

The letter was rejected, but his second letter, signed by his
secretary, was accepted by the security guards.
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From: (Jeff Weiner)
Organization: U of Michigan, ITD Research Systems
Subject: Re: Shit Stories

Told to me by a member of the lacrosse team:

At one of the many lacrosse after victory parties, a friend was introduced to
a very pretty yougn lady.  After a few hours of conversation and incredible
amounts of alcohol, he asked if she would like to "go up stairs".  She
responded affirmatively, and followed him up to his room.  

After a short while, she told him to make love to her.  Like anyone
concerned about safe sex, he attempted to put on a condom, while kneeling
in front of the naked young lady.              

All of a sudden, he felt the urge to vomit come over him, which he did
right onto her chest.  Apparently, he passed out here, as he was unable to
relate any further events of that evening.

Come the next morning, he awoke with a terrific hangover.  He also noticed
that there was a strange odor pervading the air.  As he got up to look around,
he noticed a HUGE pile of shit on his chest.  There was a note on it
which read, "I hope you know how pissed I had to  be to actually SHIT on you..."
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From: (Glen Reesor)
Subject: Heard in a 2nd year student terminal room....

Heard in a 2nd year student terminal room:

<Student A> "How can I change the time-stamp on one of my files?"
<Student B> "You can only do that if you log in as 'Root'."
<Student A> "Oh.  I guess I can't do it.  Wait!  Remember that program I
             wrote in high school to simulate a login screen?  Whenever
             someone logged on, my program saved their password for me to
             use later!  All I have to do is write a program like that
             and wait for the 'Root' to login!"

Hmmmmm.  I think they might be waiting a while for Mr. Root to walk into a
student terminal room to login :-)
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From: (Doug Krause)
Organization: University of California, Irvine
Subject: HD... R?

On KABC Radio LA, a morning talk show called "Ken and Barkley" is now
advertising that the show is on 'High Definition Radio'.
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From: (Dave Weinstein)
Subject: Releasing your inner senior citizen

(Seen in the backpage classifieds of the 1/23/91 Denver WestWord)

_Releasing your inner senior citizen_
To heck with that inner child, let's work on discovering and
releasing that cantankerous senior that lives in us all. 
Get seats on the bus! Hit people in the shins with your cane~
Pretend you can't hear people when they are talking to you.
Group forming soon.
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Subject: the meaning of oral sex.

A ten year old kid attended a birthday party at his apartment building. His
mom sent him off and everything would be great. Not so. The kid came back
to his apartment in five minutes. When he got home, he sought out his older 
brother and asked him in privacy, "Hey Billy, what's oral sex?"
"Well, Dave. Oral sex is the opposite of written sex, if you read about it,
its written sex. If you talk about it, it's oral sex."
  Soon after, the younger dude approached his mom in dissapointment. She asked
him what was the matter. He said, "The party was so damn boring, everyone was
just sitting around having oral sex!"
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From: Mike.Richichi@watmath.UUCP,
Subject: All we wanted was some food!  (True, original)

Romanelli's is the local Italian food delivery place.  Tom and Bob work in 
the computer center here and we were all hanging out on the evening shift.  
We are hungry.

Me:  (phone dialing action)

Romanelli's:  Hello, Romanelli's.

Me:  Yes, we'd like a chicken parm sandwich, a sausage sandwich, and an
antipasto salad. 

R: We have no sausage sandwiches.

Me:  No sausage, Bob.  What do you want?  

Bob:  Uh, chicken I guess.

Me:  Okay, 2 chicken parms and an antipasto salad.

R:  Two chicken parms and an antipasto salad.  Where to?

Me:  Drew University Academic Computer Center.

R:  That's in Brothers College? 

Me:  Yes.

R:  You're in the computer room?

Me:  Yes.

(now, this is the weird part)

R:  What systems are you running?

Me:  (Huh?)  Um, mostly Vaxes.

R:  You got Ethernet and Decnet?

Me:  Yes.

R:  What else are you running?

Me:  We've got LAT also.


Me:  Yeah, we just installed some Ultrix Workstations.

Tom (to Bob):  He hung up a minute ago.  He's making this up.

R:  3100s?  2100s?

Me:  Yeah, some of each.

R:  What kind of stuff do you do there?

Me:  Mostly comp sci programming and math stuff.

R:  Any IBM stuff?

Me:  Yeah, we have lot's of PCs, but nothing larger.

R:  No IBM mainframes?

Me:  Nope, no mainframes or minis.

R:  I only work here part time for financial reasons, I really 
work in telecommunications.

Me (suddenly somewhat understanding):  Oh...

R:  It'll be about 30 minutes.

Me:  Thanks.  Goodnight.  (to Tom and Bob)   No, guys, he really was there!  
This isn't his real job, he said he works in telecommunications!

You know, I don't think Tom and Bob believe me... but it really happened, I 
swear!  Could I have made this up?
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From: (Grant)
Subject: What a bargain!

I was driving through sunny downtown Waltham, Massachusets when I passed a
restaurant that had a sign proclaiming this bargain:

We have Senior Citizens, 10% off, Monday-Friday 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.
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From: (Robert Fullmer)
Subject: How to Stop Procrastinating

This is taken from a review article in the Times Literary Supplement
printed on January 22, 1982, by George Steiner, on the life and work of
Hungarian radical Georg Lukacs:

"When I first called on him, in the winter on 1957-8, in a house still
pockmarked with shellbursts and grenade splinters, I stood speechless
before the armada of his printed works, as it crowded the bookshelves.
Lukacs seized on my puerile wonder and blazed out of his chair in a
motion at once vulnerable and amused: `You want to know how one gets
work done?  It's easy.  House arrest, Steiner, house arrest!'"
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From: (Nicki Trasler)
Subject: A Quality report?

From a draft copy of a Student project group report (quoted exactly):

Quality exelence is best achieved by preventing problems rather than
recifying them after they occure. it is the aim of the company toproduce
zero defects by getting it rigt first time.

(Quoted with permission from Mike Barter who wrote it.)
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From: (Bryan Wolf)
Subject: obviously

Recently, in a physics class, we were working out a rather complex problem.
Our teacher showed us two equations and said that the step from equation A
to equation B is obvious.

One of the student raised his hand and asked, "Why is it obvious?"
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From: (Phil Paxton)
Subject: 'This is funny tasting coffee.'

This was read on the radio this morning, citing the January issue of
_American Spectator_ as the source.  Apparently another unnamed
magazine was later reported to have also carried the story.

At some type of establishment with a coffee urn available to patrons an
earthy taste has been in the coffee for about four months.  They tried
changing brands of coffee, new coffee pots, etc. etc. until the true
cause was found.  A deliveryman has been found to be urinating in the
coffee urn, causing the unusual taste.

The legal outlook for this guy is considered bleak unless he can be
shown to be a practicer of one of the up-and-coming Hindu Urine Cults
now growing in this country.
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From: (Johann)
Subject: Causes of the Civil War

This was heard during a pledge break on our Public TV station WQED-TV Pittsburgh
during a recent showing of the documentary "The Civil War".

	"...and we'd especially like to thank all of our members
	 who right now feel very proud to know that it was
	 people like themselves who made the Civil War happen..."

I'm not sure whether to agree or disagree...
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From: (Clifford Beshers)
Subject: What's long, hard, cylindrical and full of seamen...

The TV listings in a local paper recently printed this
description of the film "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea":

        The mad Captain Nemo shows people his submarine.
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From: (Tigger)
Subject: Humorous Airline Speech

The recent posting from a SouthWest Airlines ad reminded me of an incident
which occurred on my last SouthWest flight back from Las Vegas.

The flight crew was going through the normal pre-flight 'safety' speech,
and of course no one was paying attention.  Out of the corner of my ear
I heard

   If you are sitting next to a child or someone who is acting like
   one, please secure your own mask before assisting them with theirs.

I looked up in surprise at the stewardess with the microphone, who saw
my look and smiled.  Looking around the plane, I think I was the only one
who caught it...

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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