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The True News Digest part 2/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Grant Hillcroft)
Subject: Gross Anatomy

	During a physiology lecture at Brandeis University, the professor drew
a picture of a female breast in cross-section so that the class could visualize
the anatomy involved in lactation.  Everybody carefully scribbled down the
crude (as in not very well drawn) picture.  Two minutes after he finished
drawing the picture, the professor suddenly realized that the milk ducts were
pointing away from the nipple!
	The amazing part is that none of the 60-odd pre-med students caught that
mistake, and the graduate students didn't catch it either!
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From: (joev dubach)
Subject: Seen in a furniture store window

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From: sigma! (Mike Dash)
Subject: True condom-buying experience

i'll never forget roger, the pharmacist at the neighborhood drug store when
i was getting to be old enough to buy condoms.

i walked into the store, found which shelf the condoms were on, got a box
and took them to the register.  so far, so good... i just kept telling
myself to keep a straight face and look like i bought these things all the
time.  i carried it off pretty well until the end:

       roger: here's your change and i'll grab a paper bag for you.

       me:    that's ok, i don't need a bag.

       roger: oh, you're gonna eat 'em right here in the store, eh?
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From: mrsvr!master.mrisi! (B. Chandramouli)
Subject: Interesting usenet replies

5.	Re: Please do not reply to this on the net
4.	Re: Thank You
3.	Re: This is my last USENET posting
2.	Re: USENET Psychic: You are doing OK! How am I doing?
1.	Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Place or Mine?
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From: (Kent C Brodie)
Organization: Medical College of Wisconsin, Faculty Physicians & Surgeons
Subject: Automated Traffic Reports

I live in Milwaukee, but on occasion I must drive the painful trip to
downtown Chicago for business.  While I was cruising at a top speed of
1.3 miles per hour, I decided it might be a good idea to actually tune
into one of the "TRAFFIC INFO" stations on my AM dial.

Instead of hearing a recorded voice telling me of the traffic situation
as of an hour ago, I was somewhat (and plesantly) surprised to find
they've finally managed to computerize the whole thing. It was very
similar to the kind of voice intonation encountered when telephoning
for the time.. I could hear a tiny pause (and a distinct "click") between
each of the words and/or phrases.   No doubt the entire system is
completely computerized using some sort of sensors located at key points
throughout the freeway system.   

During the recording, the following segment was broadcast, which shows
that automated systems are never what they're cracked up to be:

"As of .. four .. ten ..p.m, .. the following freeway locations are
 experiencing long delays....."      

 ... I-290.. between.. Harlem Avenue.. and.. Harlem Avenue.."  
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From: (Dave Curley)
Organization: Oracle Corp.
Subject: Builders

Spotted by a BBC Radio 4 (very conservative - which made it funnier)
announcer in London traffic:

A large commercial vehicle, on the side of which the advertisement:

 Patel & Patel
 Building Contractors
 "You've tried the cowboys,
  now try the Indians"
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From: (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Flag it.

[I got the following from _American_Heritage_Magazine_, November 1990.]

According to the "Code of Etiquette for Display and Use of the U.S. Flag,"
which is part of Public Law 94-344:

If the U.S. flag falls into a condition that makes it "no longer a fitting 
emblem for display," it must be "destroyed in a dignified way, preferably
by burning in private."
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From: ogicse!emory!wa4mei!brandon@decwrl.UUCP (Brandon Rhodes)
Organization: Amateur Radio Gateway WA4MEI, Chamblee, GA
Subject: Hard Times

I had never realized the extent of the deprivation of basic
necessities experienced by poor factory workers during the
Industrial Revolution until I read the following in my History
"A family of six or ten might live in a single dark, airless room."

Apparently air was affordable only by the wealthy factory owners.
Presumably conditions improved when the owners found that workers
performed better when able to breathe.

(quote is from WORLD HISTORY: Patterns of Civilization)
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From: (Jim Griffith)
Subject: Unclear on the concept...

Heard last night on the news:

	"It's scary to think that global warming may really be happening.
	 Even in the Bay Area."
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From: (Bradley L. Richards)
Subject: Can you tell me...

Heard this on TV a while back:

Two grocery clerks, a guy and a girl, are stocking the shelves in the
personal hygiene section.  The guy is busily stacking up toothpaste tubes
when the girl comes to a box of Summer's Eve.  She looks around, but can't
figure out where it belongs on the shelves.  So she walks up to the guy
with a bottle in hand and says

   "can you tell me where this goes?"
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From: jgo@mcgp1.UUCP (John Opalko, N7KBT)
Organization: McCaw Cellular Communications, Inc., Seattle, WA
Subject: Quick, Harry, change the sign!!

I'm ancient enough to have grown up in an all-white neighborhood.  A couple
miles from my house was a building supply company that was very proud to
have been in business since the turn of the century, and they had a motto
painted on the side of their building to that effect.

When the neighborhood finally began to integrate, this company very quickly
changed their motto.

And what was this motto that they discarded after all these years?

	"We sold your grandfather."
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From: (Andrew Klossner)
Organization: Tektronix, Wilsonville, Oregon
Subject: real estate slogan

Big, professionally manufactured sign on the local office of Century 21
(a real estate sales firm):

	"We're Here for You (tm)"

Beneath which hangs a smaller, hand printed sign:

	"We've moved to our new office one mile north of here ..."
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From: (Rob Griffiths)
Organization: Apple Computer, Inc.
Subject: Why is business so slow?

From the Boulder (Colorado) Daily Camera newspaper, a few years back.  
Posted in the Services Offered category.  The ad ran for about a year.

   "Can't read?  Illiterate?  Call me for professional reading lessons.  
    Chris, 443-xxxx"

I wonder how many phone calls Chris received ...
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From: (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: Knock, Knock!

Source: Actual sign in Waller Hall at Washington State University
        some 23 years ago.

Sign on the door in men's dormitory:

Knock softly, but firmly,
'Cause I like soft, firm knockers!
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From: (Mike Cuddy)
Organization: Rational, Santa Clara, CA
Subject: Hershey's and the Middle East 

Yesterday Hershey's won a contract to supply the armed forces with chocolate
bars that will not melt in the extreme heat in the middle east.  

Hershey's calls the operation: Dessert Shield.
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From: (Jeff P. M. Hultquist)
Subject: the US will never go metric

A true story:

I was in a restaurant quite some time ago, and asked the
waitress for a half-liter of the house wine.  She replied
that they only sold the wine in full liters, but she then
pointed out that "Our liters are kind of small!"  

(The wine arrived in a standard 750ml bottle.) 
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From: (Jim Tubman)
Organization: Alberta Research Council, Calgary Alberta Canada
Subject: Heavy Metric Music

This is an actual TV listing (source: Calgary Herald TV Times), for
PBS station KSPS (Spokane), 6:00 PM MST, December 18, 1990:

	SQUARE ONE TELEVISION: Heavy metal rockers sing about
	metric and English measurement vocabulary.
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From: (Marc Parmet)
Subject: Sources of language

True story:

A couple I know recently adopted a Korean girl, and were showing it off to
friends.  A neighbor came by to admire the baby, and asked, "But what will
you do when she gets older and starts speaking Korean?"
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From: (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: City lighting (true story)

 As a seasonal gesture Derby City Council decided to install some
festive lights in the streets, and they managed to arrange to
buy some second-hand from Cleethorpes, a town about 100 miles
away. The workmen put up the fancy lighting, although they didn't
have time to test it before switching it on for the big occasion.
As a result motorists entering Derby wondered how they could
have become so lost as to be greeted by an enormous message in
festive lights: Welcome to Cleethorpes!

(Reported in the London Times)
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Organization: The Johns Hopkins University
Subject: Phony numbers

	After receiving a stream of harassing telephone calls, my sister
had her phone number changed.

	Several weeks later, at 3:00 in the morning, her telephone rang.
"Did you know," the caller inquired, "that your telephone number spells

	Now at 3:00 in the morning, one's brain is not completely
functional.  Angry and half-asleep, my sister called the telephone operator
to complain.  "I just had my number changed to avoid obscene phone calls,"
she screamed, "and now you've given me an obscene phone NUMBER!!!"
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From: gombo@tharr.UUCP (Alun Jones)
Organization: Welcom Software Technology Int'l
Subject: Do the BBC know where the war is?

Heard on Radio 4 17/1/91:
"The Prime Minister speaking there after the outbreak of hostilities
outside No 10 Downing Street."
And I thought Iraq was a few thou miles away!

Also in the same builletin, an American radio reporter:
"Obviously I've never been there, but it feels like Hell itself."
Whaddya mean, obviously? 8-)

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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