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More from the one liner file
(various, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

Here are more snippets from the one liner file.  While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file.  Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group.  (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles.
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)

These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.
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From: <watmath!uunet!microsof!bobal>
Subject: Bumper sticker

"I used to live for sex
 Now I'd die for some"

Bob Allison
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From: watmath!uunet!!dsacg1!discg1!izwr008 (john desanto)
Subject: Some Stupid Jokes
Organization: Defense Industrial Supply Center, Philadelphia, Pa               

 Some Stupid Jokes told to me by my friend Joe Clark
 of J & M Landscaping ("Cheap Cuts")

 Why didn't the skeleton cross the street ?

 No Guts.

 What made Frosty the Snowman smile as he was walking down the street ?

 He saw a snow blower coming his way.

 Keep those lawns watered !
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From: Jeff Bowden <watmath!!jeff>
Subject: I can't drive 55

186,000 Miles per second.  It's not just a good idea, it's the Law.

[Note - which reminds me of a line I once pulled on a co-worker.  He asked
	"how fast is an IBM RS6000?", and I responded "9.8 meters per second
	squared..." - ed.]
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From: watmath!uunet!spies!the_watcher (The Watcher)
Subject: NY
Organization: Spies in the Wire

 The New York state bird should be the mosquito.
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From: <watmath!att!ihlpm!jailbird>
Subject: Another One-liner

This is original as far as I know:

	If you are what you eat, then what's poop?
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From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!blyon (Chuck McManis)
Subject: DEC joke

Q: What does it cost to ride the UNIBUS?

A: Two bits.

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From: Bryan Hoog <watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hplabs!hplsla!bryanh>
Subject: Five Miles Long

 Overheard at the local racetrack:

  "I like your cologne.  What is it?"

  "Its called 'Eau De Doo Dah Day'."
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From: watmath!uunet!!BMCLAUGH%ucbcmsa.bitnet (Bruce McLaughlin 415/642-7634 [175])
Subject: jokes

q: What do you get if you ride the Space Shuttle with Kermit the Frog?

a: Star Warts!
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From: watmath!uunet!!gaynor (Silver)
Subject: Women...

Women.  Can't fuck with 'em, can't fuck without 'em.

Regards, [Ag]
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From: watmath!!larry (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: joke, old, grammar

I have known this one for as long as I can remember.

A man from Peoria has to make his first business trip, to Boston.
So he gets off the airplain in boston, collects his luggage, grabs
a cab. He tells the cabbie to take him to his hotel.
While on the way to the hotel he asks the cabbie "Where in Boston
is the best place to get scrod?"
The cabbie thinks for a moment and responds "Well sir, I've heard
it said many ways, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive".
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From: Bob Jewett <watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hpfcrg!margaux!raj>
Subject: Elvis Presely

From: Johnnie Carson

The National Enquirer's special investigative team has determined that 
it's actually Elvis Presely's image on the Shroud of Turin.
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From: watmath!uunet!!eleazar!zakblu (Andre Papillon)
Subject: Re:Count your blessings
Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH

A quick one I saw in the book "Growing Up Catholic" (which, by the way,
is very funny):

"Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice."
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From: watmath!!paulb (Paul Blumstein)
Subject: Peter Fonda Workout

The Peter Fonda Workout:  When you wake up in the morning,
smoke two joints, then go over to your sister's house to
ask her for money.
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From: watmath!uunet!mtxinu!rtech!binky!dianeh (Diane Holt)
Subject: What's the another term for...

Q: What's another term for cunnilingus?

A: Genital Slurpees.
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From: <watmath!linus!xait!harvard!think!fad>
Subject: orchestras

Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull??

A: The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.
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From: watmath!linus!xait!harvard!husc6!daemon (Mr Background)
Subject: Les animaux

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Eight beers.
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From: watmath!portal!!8b
Subject: another joke

under "Amusing item for sale"...

Never opened. Small red stain. Asking $xxx or best offer. Call...

from National Lampoon
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From: Kenneth H. Lee <watmath!uunet!!khl>

Q:  What's white and streaks across the sky?

A:  The coming of the Lord.
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From: watmath!uunet!!cova
Subject: rec.humor.funny posting -- A new Theorem concerning Murphy's Law
Organization: Dept. of Computer Science, Princeton University

Cova's Theorem (concerning Murphy's Law):

	"When there are more than 1 person or thing interacting, 
	their Murphy's Laws  cancel each  other - unless someone 
	tries to do something about it -"

[proof on request]
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From: Bryan Hoog <watmath!hppad!hpcpdca!hplabs!hplsla!bryanh>
Subject: Express Santa

   I've been told that the local shopping mall has two Santas, a 
 regular one, and an Express Santa for kids requesting five
 presents or less.
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From: watmath!uunet!!icefloe!overton (Eric Overton)
Subject: Beer nuts and deer nuts

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts cost $1.50.  Deer nuts are under a buck.

	I heard this first from one of my officemates, although I suspect
that it's been around a while.
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From: John Carr <watmath!uunet!ames!ATHENA.MIT.EDU!jfc>
Subject: Seen on a bathroom wall

"Dear Falwell: If AIDS is a sign from God, Lesbians are the chosen people."

  --John Carr (
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From: Ian Dillon  <watmath!uunet!uhccux.uhcc.Hawaii.Edu!dillon>
Subject: Housewife humor

Q: Why do housewives close their eyes when they make love?

A: They hate to see their husbands having a good time!
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From: <watmath!research!ark>

The following was told to me by Bill Cheswick:

	Q: Why is the Force like duct tape?

	A: It has a light side and a dark side
	   and holds the universe together.
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From: Michael Chastain <watmath!uunet!!mec>
Subject: riddle, computer, sexual, heard_it

First submission to rec.humor.funny.  Hope I'm doing it right.

	Q: How is a computer like an erection?
	A: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it!
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From: Brian Sturgill <watmath!gatech!!brian>
Subject: Word to (continue to) live by:
Organization: U of Ky, Math. Sciences, Lexington KY

Never play Russian Roulette with a clip-loaded pistol.
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From: watmath!uunet!hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Pithy description of Soviet economy

<From Forbes magazine>

"Imagine an entire nation run by the Post Office"
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From: Michael Faber <watmath!gatech!!wyn386!mikef>
Subject: A good quote

I read this on a local bbs.  It comes from a barkeep quote.

"I often wonder what a battle between The enterprise's security team, who 
are killed almost instantly after ariving, and the imperial stormtroopers,
who cant hit the broad side of a planet would be like..."

I can imagine it.  It look funny to me...
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From: ilan@Gang-of-Four.Stanford.EDU (Ilan Vardi)
Subject: Re: Top Ten Earthquake Lines
Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University

Definition of bad lover:

An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman
if she felt the earth move. She says no.
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From: Dag Bruck <watmath!uunet!mcvax!!dag>
Subject: Women and punctuation

"Woman without her man has no reason for living."
"Woman: without her, man has no reason for living."
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From: watmath!sqzme!ludo (Ludo Van Vooren)
Subject: Hardware or Software

(Heard in the preview of a movie to go out pretty soon)

Q: I can never remember the difference between Hardware and Software

A: With computers, the software goes into the hardware.
   With humans, it's the reverse.
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From: watmath!uunet!!mailrus!wasatch!u-pgardi (Phillip Garding)
Subject: True Love

How about this one:

The real meaning of True Love:

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
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From: Andrew Malton <watmath!!malton>

I saw a sign on an office door which was covered in peace symbols and said

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From: watmath!gatech!unmvax!!mike (Michael I. Bushnell)
Subject: Thousand points of light

A thousand points of light?  The last time I saw a thousand points of
light I'd just been punched in the face.

Doesn't sound like a kindler, gentler nation to ME!
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From: Mustang <watmath!uunet!!>

Why do you need toilet paper in the Twighlight Zone?

doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo
(Twilight Zone Theme)
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From: (Patrick S. Whittemore)
Subject: Ninja..
Organization: The University of North Carolina at Greensboro

Hear about the ninja that joined the army?...

\.. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself...
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Subject: Atlanta Falcons Cologne

Have you heard about the new Atlanta Falcons cologne?

You put it on and the other guy scores.

(Heard on WKLS-FM Atlanta, 96 Rock)
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From: (Jim Watt)

I think this is original, although the topic has certainly been
explored before:

Q: Why did the British Empire spread to such faraway places as India?

A: You have tasted English cooking, haven't you?
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From: (Amanda Sturgill)
Subject: Perhaps you meant spelling?

On a first day of class student data sheet:

Q.      What is your biggest concern about your writing?

A.      Grammer
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From: (Chris Morgan)
Subject: Rosa Lopez
Organization: CRL Dialup Internet Access	(415) 705-6060  [Login: guest]

Have you heard about the new Rosa Lopez computer?

It costs 5,000 bucks and has no memory.
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From: (Jonathan Ganz)
Subject: OJ has a WWW site

I heard this on the Alex Bennett show (local radio station) this morning:

OJ's WWW address is http://////////
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From: (Harvey Loria)
Organization: Calgary Free-Net
Subject: Lorenna Bobbit's New Book

Loren Bobbit is writing a biographical book, its title is:

"Six Inches From Prison",

she also loves reading, here favourite novel is "Moby Dick,"

and next week she starts a new job as a sales representative for ....

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From: (Guy Shechter)
Subject: Fortune cookie

This is a true story...

I was sitting with a friend at a Chinese restaurant, and following our
dinner, we cracked open our fortune cookies and found this interesting
fortune :

	"To stay healthy, eat more Chinese food."

I guess it doesn't hurt business ...
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From: (John Fehr)
Subject: bumper stickers

What with all the suing and such going on at the drop of a hat, I'm tempted
to get a bumper sticker that says:

'No lawyers.  Prosecuters will be violated.'.

(Original, as far as I know.)

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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