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Actual pick-up attempt (Robert Vollman)
(chuckle, dating)

Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect, got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this:


  1. His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
  2. Doesn't pick his nose in public
  3. Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
  4. Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
  5. When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
  6. Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left?
  7. Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures of African gorillas
  8. His cat seems to like him
  9. Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now
  10. Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug
  11. Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
  12. Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons
  13. He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup
  14. Knows the capital of Eritrea
  15. Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear on the first date
  16. Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem
  17. Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle he began in 1981
  18. He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction
  19. Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis
  20. Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez
  21. Very rarely has homicidal tendencies
  22. Makes excellent use of his spare time
  24. He subscribes to the theory that the world is round
  25. He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily
  26. Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day
  27. He found Waldo
  28. Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn
  29. Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner
  30. Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'
  31. Has never found rude shapes in clouds
  32. Tries not to giggle when he cuts one
  33. Has never blatantly misused a blender
  34. Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds
  35. Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks
  36. Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends
  37. Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when no one is looking
  38. Wears male undergarments
  39. Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit by a falling meteorite
  40. Is an accomplished tv-watcher
  41. Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany
  42. Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people
  43. Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius
  44. Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition
  45. Has Patrick Roy's autograph
  46. Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory
  47. Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros."
  48. Rarely stares directly at the sun
  49. Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base
  50. Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge
  51. Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60
  52. So far, has never resorted to cannibalism
  53. Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt
  54. Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes
  55. Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up
  56. Has no communicable diseases
  57. No tyrannical system of government is named after him
  58. Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie
  59. Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away for Gary Leeman
  60. Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer
  61. Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault competition
  62. Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods
  63. Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown
  64. Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail
  65. Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal'
  66. Has never suffered from lockjaw
  67. Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas
  68. Excellent at compiling purposeless lists
  69. Would give up his appendix for the right woman
  70. Great with kids; even better with roast beef
  71. Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got his cheese to stick to in grade six.
  72. Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club
  73. The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated
  74. Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many other places in the world
  75. Has managed so far not to decapitate himself
  76. Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches'
  77. Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant
  78. Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver'
  79. Has never locked himself in a car
  80. Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear
  81. Does not use cruel mouse traps
  82. Has never let Frank Sinatra down
  83. Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork
  84. Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon
  85. Very rarely has delusions of God
  86. Never placed a bet with Pete Rose
  87. It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a telephone cord
  88. Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard
  89. Rarely eats paste between meals
  90. Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!' just before a fatality
  91. Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it
  92. Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week
  93. Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963
  94. Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in his hair
  95. And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where you can't see it
  96. Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in a bath-tub
  97. At Speedy, he's a somebody
  98. At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally in under 30 minutes
  99. Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl
  100. Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi
  101. Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh
  102. If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven Hawking in a fair fight
  103. Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a small rodent inside
  104. The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly unfounded
  105. No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80
  106. It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea Arthur
  107. Come on, he's not that much of an eyesore!
  108. Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother
  109. Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth'
  110. Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys
  111. The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal were unreliable
  112. As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous breathing
  113. There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days
  114. Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight
  115. Nevers pees in someone else's sink
  116. His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon
  117. Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse
  118. Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't


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