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Rules of Thumb for the Clueless (Scott Davies)
(original, chuckle)

		   Rules of Thumb for the Clueless
	     From somone who learned them the hard way
			    (Well, maybe)

     Always assume that your barbers and hairdressers are from another
galaxy where "Just give me a trim" is actually Moronian for "What the
hell, just chop it all off."  If you have a picture of yourself with a
halfway decent haircut, bring it in and point at it mutely.  They'll
understand.  Just make sure there aren't any pets in the picture with
you, or they might get confused; God only knows what you'll wind up
looking like then.

Dealing with Roommates:
     Undesirable roommates can be disposed of by surreptitiously
stapling or gluing bills of large denominations to the backs of their
jackets.  This works best if you live in one of the seedier parts of
town.  It costs much less than a hit man, and it's perfectly legal.  I

Selecting a Place to Live:
     Big basements are key.  People you barely know will ask you to
store all sorts of stuff for them.  Lots of stuff.  Just tell them,
"OK," take their junk, and sell it the next day; they'll forget about
it and never ask for it again anyhow.  If they do, simply inform them
that their sofas have been "liberated" by the Berserkers Advocating
Rights for Furniture.  They'll understand, and they won't bother you
any longer.  Especially if you mention that you are a member of the
aforementioned organization.  Make sure that you foam at the mouth
when you say this.  Be rabid, *with conviction*.

Bathroom Etiquette/Survivial:
     If you live in an apartment or house and are responsible for
cleaning the bathroom yourself (translation: the bathroom is cleaned
bicentenially), use orange shampoo.  This way, you can rationalize
that the orange slimy stuff growing on your shower curtains is
actually merely a buildup of shampoo residue.  Important note: if you
have a roommate in the biological sciences, under NO curcumstances
allow him to grow a sample of it in a Petri dish.  And if he does, for
heaven's sake, don't snort it, especially if there are sharp objects
lying around that you could hurt yourself with later.  (I still have
the scars.)
     If the water pressure is low, when you use the bathroom, do your
business, flush immediately, then wipe yourself up and flush again.
No sense in having to duck flying pieces of crap while you're plunging
the toilet.

Yard Maintenance:
     When birds start perching on the lawn, it's time to mow it.

     Make sure to eat leftovers before the predator/prey relationship
between you and your food reverses itself through a process of
accelerated evolution.  If you're not sure just how far this process
has gone so far, keep a heavy, blunt object handy while cleaning out
the fridge.
     Even after leftovers have gotten to this stage, they can still be
put to good use: if you dump them in the trash (after clubbing them
a couple of times, of course) just before going on a two- or three-
day trip, the resulting stench will ensure that one of your roommates
will take out the garbage for you while you're gone.

Bedtime Attire:
     If you're a sleepwalker, don't go to bed in the buff.

"Doing Push-ups":
     In the making of the beast with two backs, avoid the resonant
frequency of your living complex, or you'll hear no end of it from
your neighbors.  If you do hit that frequency, though, and you know
you've been caught, stay with it for a little while.  If you only have
the place rocking for a few seconds, then you'll really hear no end
of it.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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