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Red, Raw Meat! (Dave Fuess)
(chuckle, lunch)

Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people, their last names have been withheld.

> Date: 5/27/94 10:02 AM
> To: Jim
> From: Jodi
> If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me
> know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices
> are:
> --Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with
> rice pilaf
> --Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked
> potato
> --Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
> with rice pilaf
> OR
> --Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a
> light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with
> fresh brocolli
> Thanks! Jodi

Dear Jodi,

Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what to order, and I have a question.

What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to lead it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I don't want anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken Fresco." In fact I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave wages and making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so soiled when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want a meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want some of us to discover that the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from the director's office in the wake of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I want media coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and stay.

That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.

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