Dear Friends, My name is Horace Schmidlap. In September 1988 my car was reposessed, the vet had kidnapped my irish wolfhound, Betty for nonpayment of my bill, my wife had left me for a McDonald's coworker, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. In short, I was a total loser. My only dream was to continue to talk to other losers, like myself, using my computer and modem. This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics (to escape the republican dirty tricks comittee; it's dangerous to hang out with similarly rich texans). I bought Lear Jets for CASH in February 1989. I am currently building a new planetoid on the outer rings of saturn, with a private pool, spaceship docking facilities, and a beautiful view of the Jovian Moons from my breakfast room table and patio. I will never have to work again. I have earned over $200,827,173,833,713.85 (two hundred trillion, eight hundred twenty seven billion, one hundred seventy three million, seven hundred thirteen dollars and eighty five cents) and I will become a quadrillionaire within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This money making program works every time, 100% of the time. I have never failed to earn $50,000,000,000.00 or more whenever I wanted. Best of all, you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office. In October, 1988, I received 37,318 letters in the mail telling me how to I could earn $50,000 dollars or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the huge pile of letters onto the much larger pile of the same letters next to my computer. It's funny, though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, between a rock and a hard place, in the sheep dip, up the creek without a paddle and a hole in your boat, about to bite the big one, your mind does crazy things, like being redundant and repeating itself. I spent a frustrating day looking through the want ads for a job with a future, or even a past, since I was a Beetle Toenail Biter, and there was precious little future (or past) market for such a worker. That night I tried to unwind by booting my computer out the window, then putting it back together and trying to call several bulletin boards. I read several of he message posts and then glanced at the huge pile of letters next to my computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams (and my English teacher's nightmares, after linking two independent phrases with a comma). I realized that with the power of the computer, I could expand and enhance and improve and refurbish and renew this money making formual into the most unbelieveable cash flow generator that has ever been created. I started mailing my letters. $5, one dollar each to the first five names on the list, then put my name, not TENTH on the list, as suggested, but FIFTEENTH. And then, with beggings and pleadings and threats of suicide and an occasional convenience store rip off, I obtained the funds I needed, and soon my plan was in action. In just 12 short weeks, I had received 15,000,000,000 responses, each with $1 enclosed. . . but that was just the beginning. I had invested the money I had received earlier, and now put this to work on top of that in. . . Paper recycling Reforestation services Ink, pencil, and stationary manufacturers Medical services to treat paper cuts, glue licking sickness, and back injuries for postal service workers Printing presses to make new stamps and dollar bills for the US Government Law firms that specialize in defense against mail fraud And, most importantly, remedial math classes for all the idiots who took part in this scheme. Here are some other people who have succeeded in this money making formula. "Hi, I'm Willy, and my life was a mess. I lost my job, my dog died, my pickup truck broke down, and my girlfriend left me. Now, not only am I rich, I also make good money on the side as a country music artist." "When I first tried this, everyone thought I was crazy, and said that there weren't enough people on the planet to make it work. I guess I showed THEM who was crazy, because I sent this letter to all my friends on OTHER planets!" And finally, "I used to be a small time loser like yourself, but then I tried this money making formula. Not only did I earn enough to start a computer firm, I even was able to fund a presidential campaign! This really works, even if there is gonna be this great big suckin' sound of letters bein' mailed to mexico. . . "
(From the "Rest" of RHF)