Best of Jokes Current Jokes RHF Home Search Sponsor RHF?
Fun Stuff & Jokes
Previous | Browse the Best of RHF: "General Jokes 93-95" | Next

What if Earth First! handicapped the NFL? (Chris Carter)
(funny, original)

(Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football Picks'.)

The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL

Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution- mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid- chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?

We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is Right.

Our General Principles:

  1. Any animal is better than any human.
  2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
  3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated minorities are better than any other human.
  4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of crimes against the Earth.
  5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.

Some Special Cases:

  1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
  2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower than whale doodoo.

And so, the Rankings:

 1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins 
 2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles 
    Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons 
    Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers 
    Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears 
 6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams 
 7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered 
 8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans 
 9. Detroit Lions 
    Indianapolis Colts 
11. Washington Native Americans 
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders 
13. Cleveland Players Of Color 
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced 
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers 
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you) 
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists 
    Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists 
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh 
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets 
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers 
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers 
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters 
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers 
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters 
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers 
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers 
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs 

Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavox's. Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life. Learn the difference.

Previous | Browse the Best of RHF: "General Jokes 93-95" | Next

Best of Jokes | Current Jokes | RHF Home | Search