October's horoscope, from the official tabloid paper of the Virtual Village over on bit.listerv.politics, THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS. Cast and reported by me, Tabloid Kerry, Your Virtual Reporter. For entertainment purposes only.
THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS "Hey, it's words, punctuation marks, paragraphs--practically the New York Times!"
This month the bull-headed ram charges straight into trouble. Be extra careful with motion on the third. Tell the police it wasn't your fault. A moonchild on the jury will acquit.
Venus in your house of money spells a new career for you, Taurean. Looks like you'll be working those mean streets for a while--but the money will be mmm-mmm, good! Try to find a nice Leo pimp to keep an eye out while you bring home the bacon. On the other hand, if you're a man, you're going to prison. Tough break.
All Geminis are two-faced scum, especially my ex-boyfriend. DIE DIE DIE, you lousy bastard! A Capricorn native will dance on your grave.
This month, sensitive Cancer is more sensitive than usual. Mercury transiting your natal Scorpio turns you into a rotten, unpleasant bitch. Others will notice and comment. Your first instinct will be to act out that Mars in Taurus urge to strike back. Sit down and shut up instead. Nobody wants to hear it. Pay particular attention to advice given by a Leo on the twentieth. Re-think that parole violation you're contemplating.
Your leonine charms serve you particularly well this month, especially on the 31st, when you have a good chance to use the persuasive influence of the Moon transiting your natal Scorpio to find the willing sacrifice of your dreams. Careful, though! A law-abiding Libra wants to spoil your fun! You're the king of the jungle, though, Leo--so just kill the interfering bastard and get on with the show!
It's official. There aren't any left.
Aren't you the birthday boy or girl? And aren't you making a pain of yourself by reminding everyone that you're turning another year older? The wise old Moon in your house of communication says shut up and let people remember on your own. The Leos, of course, will forget, since they're busy thinking about themselves. But--trust me-- it's best to steer clear of Leo this month. Besides, if people forget-- so what? You could use some humility--you're the biggest pain in the ass in the zodiac, Libra. Lighten up.
Watch out for the impending Second Coming. Your underhanded schemes are about to fall apart. A Capricorn native plays a big part. Things heat up near the end of October, when Neptune transits your natal Saturn, sealing your eternal doom. Sell all your possessions in the second week of October. You won't be needing them again.
Uh-oh. Somebody found out where that last arrow landed. Expect a visit from Oliver Stone. And beware of the Great Green Dragon. A last-minute reprieve comes from a Piscean, possibly the one you drowned last month.
Truly the jewel of the zodiac, the goat, as always, is in fine form this month. A number of unpleasant folks from the past mysteriously disappear from the spotlight, leaving you free to get on with your bright future. Neptune finally moves out of your twelfth house of the subconscious, enabling you to emerge from the schizophrenic haze you've been living in for so long. Stop taking your medication. It's just a plot by Pisceans to control you. The voices were right all along.
As the new moon sets in, expect new opportunities to come with it. Your water breaks on October tenth.
Maybe you shouldn't leave the house this month. There are some real weirdos loose in the zodiac during the next 30 days. Better to hide in the cellar until November. Oh, wait. I just took a glance at November. I'll get back to you. Stay low.