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Waitpersons from hell (Peter J. Scott)
(original, funny)

You know them... those waiters/waitresses who turn obsequiousness into a weapon, whose solicitous inquiries are perfectly timed to destroy your jokes and intimate moments... something like this:

YOU: ... so, finally, the third farmer turns to the bartender and says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's---"

[Waiter appears out of nowhere]

WAITER: How is everything? [beams smugly]

YOU: Fine. So he says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's a---"

WAITER: Can I get you anything else to drink? [All the glasses are full]

YOU: No, no. Anyway, "That's not a duck, that's a---"

WAITER: [to your companion] And for you, madam?

HER: Hmm? Oh, let me see...

[You give up; the waiter returns to the kitchen triumphantly]


YOU: ... and the doctor looked at the X-ray yesterday and told me that if I didn't have the operation, eventually it would get so big that they'd have to cut off my---

[Waiter materializes from thin air, bends over the table to refill the water glasses, coming in between you and her.]

WAITER: Go ahead, don't let me interrupt you.

[You pointedly ignore the waiter, drumming your fingers on the table top.]

HER: Well, go on, what was it they would have to cut off?

[You stare helplessly at her while the waiter refills the salt and pepper shakers at your table.]

HER: Come on, aren't you going to tell me?

[The waiter finishes with the condiments and moves away.]

YOU: [recovering your composure and remembering the gravity of the moment] Well, it's no big deal, they just may have to remove my---

WAITER: [turning back in a lightning maneuver] Excuse me, I nearly forgot the tabasco sauce, here you are.

Another victory. Later...

YOU: [looking around to make sure the waiter is nowhere in sight] ... and I just wanted to tell you, every time I'm with you I feel like the world is new, and my heart fills up with---

[A dessert tray appears by the table, the waiter sprinting to get it there in time.]

WAITER: Some dessert? We have plain cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake, chocolate chip cheesecake, chocolate fudge cheesecake, dutch chocolate cheesecake---

YOU: NOT NOW! [Attempt to get back into romantic mood, ignoring waiter] My heart just fills up with---

WAITER: Okay, I'll come back later. Can I bring you some coffee while you're making up your mind?

YOU: [trying to drown him out] MY HEART JUST FILLS UP WITH---

HER: Did you say bittersweet chocolate cheesecake?

WAITER: I'll see if we have any left.

[Game, set, and match]

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