| RHF Joke Archives | 
Here are some amusing quotes from one of my favorite games, OMEGA. OMEGA is a ROGUE-style adventure game written by Laurence Brothers (and ported to MSDOS by Nathan Glasser), whose scope extends far beyond NETHACK, RAGNAROK, MORIA, or any of the other ROGUE-style games presently in existence. Not only is OMEGA an involved game, but it is also quite amusing. I obtained the source code a while ago (which is available to all by anonymous ftp), and went through the string space to pick out all of my favorite lines. Here they are. (Permission to reproduce the following quotes granted by the author, Laurence Brothers.) ----- 8< cut here 8< ----- With a scream of tortured stone, the entire level caves in!!! You are flattened into an unpleasant jellylike substance. You realize your fly is open. You have a sudden craving for a pecan twirl. You enter a field of brightly color flowers... Wow, man! These are some pretty poppies!... poppies... poppies... You become somewhat disoriented... A weird howling tornado hits from out of the West! You've been caught in a chaos storm! The chaos storm warps your frame! Your statistical entropy has been maximized. A weird howling tornado hits from out of the West! You've been caught in a chaos storm! You feel filled with energy! You also feel weaker. Paradoxical, no? The stone glows black A burden has been removed from your shoulders..... Your pack has disintegrated! The stone glows yellow Oh no! The DREADED AQUAE MORTIS! No, wait, it's just your imagination. Have you ever picked a lock? [yn] Really. Well, the police are being notified. Do animals react curiously to your presence? [yn] How curious that must be. Ever have an out-of-body experience? [yn] Wow, man. Fly the friendly skies.... Did you ever cast a spell? [yn] Did it work? [yn] Sure it did. Do you have PK? [yn] I can't tell you how much that moves me. Beauty Sleep. Well, in your case, Ugly Sleep. You think I like watching you sleep? This stairway is deviant. You can't use it. Back Door WIZARD Mode! You will invalidate your score if you proceed. Enable WIZARD Mode? [yn] You feel like a cheater. The portcullis flies backwards into a thousand fragments. Wow. What a stud. You have a vision! An awesome angel hovers over the altar. The angel says: 'You twit, don't bash your own altar!' The angel slaps you upside the head for your presumption. The feeble powers of the minor godling are not enough to protect his altar! The altar crumbles away to dust. You feel almost unbearably smug. You restrain yourself from total silliness. There is a shrieking sound, as of reality being distorted. brothers, the Wizard of omega appears before you.... 'Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards -- it makes them soggy and hard to light.' You have been completely annihilated. Congratulations. So you're now the high priest of the Lords of Destiny. You didn't think you were going to get anything, did you? You are made a Guardian of the Order of Paladins! You are given a Holy Hand Grenade (of Antioch). You hear a nasal monotone in the distance.... '...and the number of thy counting shall be 3...' I don't believe this. You hate Denebian Slime? You deserve a horrible wasting death, uncurable by any means! One Two! One Two! And through and through! Your vorpal blade goes snicker-snack! How weird, a blessed desecrator... The structure of reality cannot permit such a thing.... The sceptre seems to subside. You hear a high whine, as of capacitors beginning to recharge. The Star Gem glints weakly as if to say: 'You have used me overmuch.' and it vanishes a puff of regret. Death performs a little bow and goes back on guard. 'Oh, come now, stop delaying the inevitable.' says Death. 'I almost felt that.' says Death, smiling. You are immersed in raw Chaos.... A mysterious force protects you from the Chaos! Wow.... You feel a bit smug. You are immersed in raw Chaos.... Uh oh.... Nothing mysterious happens this time.... Congratulations! You've achieved maximal entropy! As you fall you see before you what seems like an infinite congerie of iridescent bubbles. You have met Yog Sothoth!!! This pool seems to be enchanted.... Your horse is polymorphed into a fig newton. Oh no! You encounter the DREADED AQUAE MORTIS... The DREADED AQUAE MORTIS throttles you within inches.... but for some reason chooses to let you escape. Geronimo! You leap into the void. Death peers over the edge and gazes quizzically at you.... 'Bye-bye,' he says... 'We'll meet again.' There is a noise like a wild horses' neigh. You spin around, and don't see anyone around at all except for a spurred black cloaked figure carrying a scythe. Death coughs apologetically. He seems a little embarrassed. Following some strange impulse, you raise the Sceptre.... You hear a magical fanfare, repeated three times. A mysterious voice mutters peevishly.... So what do you want now? A medal? You have found an extremely long stairway going straight up. The stairs are grilled steel and the bannister is rubber. Take the stairway? [yn] The stairs suddenly start moving with a grind of gears! You are wafted to the surface.... The inner circle demon says: 'Prepare to die, Buckwheat!' The inner circle demon spits on your rug and calls your cat a bastard. The inner circle demon sends 'rm -r *' to your shell! The inner circle demon tweaks your nose and cackles evilly. The household robot says: 'exterminate...Exterminate...EXTERMINATE!!!' The household robot says: 'Yo Mama -- core dumped.' The good fairy glints: Would you like a wish? The good fairy glows: Are you sure? The good fairy radiates: Really really sure? The good fairy beams: I mean, like, sure as sure can be? The good fairy dazzles: You don't want a wish, right? The good fairy laughs: I thought not. The evil fairy roils: Eat my pixie dust! She waves her black-glowing wand, which screams thinly.... The succubus beckons seductively... Flee? [yn] The succubus shows you a good time.... The [animal] shows you a scholarly paper by Dolittle, D. Vet. which demonstrates that animals don't have speech centers complex enough to communicate in higher languages. It giggles softly to itself and takes back the paper. The merchant asks you if you want to buy a horse for 250GP. Pay the merchant? [yn] The merchant takes your money and tells you to select any horse you want in the stables. He says: 'You'll want to get to know him before trying to ride him. By the way, food for the horse is not included.' The merchant runs off toward the bank, cackling gleefully. The merchant ignores you and screams: 'Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!' ^@^@^@^@^@00AD1203BC0F0000FFFFFFFFFFFF interrupt in _get_space. Illegal Character. Aborting _police_alert..... Attempting reboot..... Warning: Illegal shmop at _count_cash. Warning: Command Buffer NOT CLEARED Reboot Complete. Execution Continuing. Withdrawing: 4294967297 Au. Warning: Arithmetic Overflow in _withdraw Yo mama. Core dumped. You find a strange document, obviously misfiled under the heading 'acrylic fungus painting technique' Rampart Public Library. Library Research Fee: 1000Au. Pay the fee? [yn] No payee, No Studee. The Magistrate renders summary judgement. You are sentenced to prison! The guards recognize you as a 'three-time-loser' \...and beat you up a little to teach you a lesson. You charge the ritual with magical energy and focus your will. Time Passes... Flowing waves of mystical light congeal all around you. 'Like wow, man! Colors!' Appreciative citizens throw you spare change.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
| RHF Joke Archives |