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Love Letters (Andy J Taylor)
(chuckle, sexual)

This is very old, source unknown.

To my dear wife

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I
succeeded 36 times, which ia an average of once every ten days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

	We will wake the children			17 times
	It's too late 	 		 		15 times
	I'm too tired					 5 times
	It's too early					52 times
	It's too hot					15 times
	Pretending to be asleep				49 times
	Window open the neighbours will hear		 9 times
	Backache					 2 times
	Headache					16 times
	Sunburnt					10 times
	Your mother will hear us			 6 times
	Not in the mood					21 times
	Will wake the baby				17 times
	Watching the late TV show			 7 times
	Too sore					 9 times
	New hairdo					 4 times
	Wrong time of the month				 4 times
	You had to go to the toilet			 9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded
me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had
finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons
you did not get more than you did.

	Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat	 7 times
	Didn't come home				29 times
	Didn't come					14 times
	Came too soon					26 times
	Went soft before you got in			18 times
	Toes in cramp					 9 times
	Working late					49 times
	Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat	21 times
	In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls	 4 times
	Caught it in your zip				 6 times
	Got a cold, your nose keeps running		14 times
	Brewer's droop					95 times
	Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue		 9 times
	Had a splinter in your finger			 4 times
	Lost the notion after thinking about it all day	13 times
	Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book  8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because
you had missed and was stuffing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about a
crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you back
or with me kneeling?"  The times you felt me move were because you had
farted and I was trying to breathe.  However, 6 months ago I phoned
Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been
calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

--       * Henley Management College, UK   

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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