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CURTAINS for the Mac (Jonathan R. Partington)
(original, funny, computers)

It's CURTAINS for the Macintosh

 After the amazing success of Microsog's WINDOWS (TM) -- the
software which you bought when you found you'd received a PC for
Christmas when you really wanted a Macintosh -- there is a new
product from Microhard, called CURTAINS (TM).

 CURTAINS is the program you want if you are stuck with a
Macintosh and its irritatingly user-friendly WIMP environment,
when what you really wanted was an old-fashioned square box with
flashing lights into which you fed a paper tape. After all, we
don't want machines getting user-friendly -- they'll start
inviting themselves round to tea next, and bring their ghastly
friends. God, I had a terribly dull afternoon yesterday with a
Mac SE/30 and a set of traffic lights that he'd picked up on a
street corner. Flashy, that's what she was. Sorry, where was I?

 Anyway CURTAINS has the following advantages over the
old-fashioned Mouse-based operating systems:

* No mouse cluttering up your desk and falling off it every few
minutes. They ought to be called lemmings, ha ha.

* No keyboard on which you're not supposed to spill coffee. When
I were a lad we punched all the holes in the paper tape with a
darning needle, and now CURTAINS lets you do this again.

* Handy flashing light attachments to blink at you in a friendly
but not too familiar manner.

* Totally compatible with EDSAC, ERNIE, MANIAC, TITAN, etc.

* Allows you to run software that you thought was obsolete. Dig
out all your programs in Mercury Autocode, Binary, and BASIC.
Re-use your Jacquard Loom knitting patterns (special
wool-compatible attachments can be purchased.)

* Immune to viruses. Anyone trying to hack a machine running
CURTAINS can easily be recognised. They will be wandering around
with a spanner, a soldering iron, and about a mile of paper-tape
containing the virus.

 CURTAINS is a trade-mark of Microhard. Likewise UNIX is a
trade-mark of Bell Labs. If this isn't enough to put you off Bell
Labs' other products, then maybe it should be.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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