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Condom(1) man page (original)... (Ken Maupin)
(chuckle, original, computers, sexual)

	The following was inspired by the sex.1 and celibacy.6 EUNUCH
man pages I found hiding in, of all places, the GNU Emacs distribution
on my machine (I guess we know what Richard Stallman thinks about when
he isn't writing GNU software, eh?).  


CONDOM(1)	      EUNUCH Programmer's Manual		CONDOM(1)

	condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child 

	condom [options] [processid]

	_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system.  Although the spread of
such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious
users, condom is the only highly-effective means of preventing
viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)).  Any data passed
to condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by
the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).  condom is known to
defend against the following viruses and other malicious

	o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
	o Syphilis
	o Crabs
	o Genital warts
	o Gonhorrea
	o Chlamydia
	o Michelangelo
	o Jerusalem

	When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1),
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), condom also prevents the conception of a
child process.  If invoked from within a synchronous process, condom
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes
from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below).  When other
process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child
process from being forked becomes much greater.  See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
	If no options are given, the current user's login process (as
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip.  The optional
'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
	NOTE: condom may only be used with a hard disk.  condom
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy
disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

     The following options may be given to _condom_...

	-b BRAND	BRANDs are as follows...

			trojan (default)

	-m MATERIAL	The valid MATERIALs are...

			latex (default)
			membrane -- WARNING!  The membrane option is not
			endorsed by the System Administrator General as an 
			effective barrier against certain viruses.  It is 
			supported only for the sake of tradition.

	-f FLAVOR	The following FLAVORs are currently supported...

			plain (default)

	-r		Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

	-s STRENGTH	STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying
			the resilience of condom against data passed to
			_condom_ by the protected process.  Using a larger
			value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s protective
			abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.
			A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess
			communication, but also increases the likelihood of a
			security breach.  An extremely vigorous process or
			one passing an enormous amount of data to condom 
			will increase the chance of _condom_'s failure.  The
			default STRENGTH is 80%.

	-t TEXTURE	Valid TEXTUREs are...

			rough (default)
			lubricated (provides smoother interaction between 

	WARNING: The use of an external application to condom in
order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in
benchmark tests to decrease _condom_'s strength factor!  If execution
speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option.

	_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...

	-1	An attempt was made to use condom on a floppy disk.

	 0	_condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to
		the synchronous process).

	 1	_condom_ failed and data was allowed through.  The
		danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child 
		process is inversely proportional to the number of other 
		protections employed and is directly proportional to 
		the ages of the processes involved.

	_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although
the System Administrator General has deemed that condom is the most
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted
viruses).  See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program
for preventing these problems.
	Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes.  If you must
use sex(1), please employ condom to protect your process and your
synchronous process.  If we are all responsible, we can stop the
spread of STVs.

	The original version of condom was released in Roman times
and was only marginally effective.  With the advent of modern
technology, condom now supports many more options and is much more
	The current release of condom was written by Ken Maupin at
the University of Washington ( and was last
updated on 10/7/92.

	celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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