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Getting rid of Blind Dates (Mark Hazen)
(chuckle, original)

Occasionally in life, it's handy to be able to get out of awkward
social situations. In such events, it behooves you to know

                (and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
   to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
   waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
   restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
   your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
   what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
    outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
    in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
    begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
    their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
    spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
    in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
    waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
    part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
    finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
    long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
    bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
    windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
    and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
    pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
    anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
    your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
    waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
    returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
    up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
    tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
    language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
    the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
    of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
    menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
    and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
    them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
    lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
    coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
    of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
    a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
    the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
    pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

And, finally....

56. Tell them you moderate rec.humor.funny on the nets. 

-Mark Hazen (

(With items contributed by Winston King and Bill Patrick)

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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