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Material from the one-liner file

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

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From: (Bob Beck)
Subject: Joke Submission

I hope you find this useful - I found it hilarious when my friend related
the story ...

A friend was trying to describe some of the "facts of life" to his 15 year
old son...

	"It's a fact of life...  Males are born with 2 heads, but only enough
	blood to operate one at a time!"

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Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix
From: (Dave Savarese)
Subject: joke

Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
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From: (Simon Lewis)
Subject: Prostitution at Disney

Heard on the BBC's "Have I got News for You" programme...

It seems prostitutes have already moved into the hotels at the new
EuroDisney resort outside Paris.  Apparently the cost is $50 to do
it Goofy style,  or $100 for a straight Donald Duck.

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From: Two things never trust: Politicians and angle trisectors.
Subject: Atheist's Manifesto

[Original, but from a friend who doesn't want to be identified :]

Atheist's Manifesto:

	"Kill 'em all, and let nobody sort 'em out."

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From: (David Barach)
Subject: workstations are like toothbrushes

"Workstations are like toothbrushes.  Nobody else may use mine,
especially not while I'm using it!"

 - Robbert Van Renesse, during his talk at the Usenix
   Microkernel Workshop.
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From: mdavis@engr.Trinity.EDU (M. Davis)
Subject: Cooks' names

This was told to me by a friend:
    His mother was apparently watching an old western movie with a friend,
and this friend asked if cooks in the old west were all called "Cookie".
    My friends mother replied, "No, not all of them.  Some were called Bernie."

-Matt Davis

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From: (NigelR. Ellis)

q: What's the difference between hardware and software ?
a: You can kick the hardware.....

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From: (John David Auwen)
Subject: joke submission (heard it)

Q. Why should you always take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing?

A. Because if you only take 1, he'll drink all your beer!

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From: (Jim Murphy)
Subject: office one-liner, definition of stress

Some office one-liners from various anonymous sources collected over
the past 5 years or so.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If it works, don't fix it!

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

People with narrow mind usually have broad tongues.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.

All work and no play, will may you a manager.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it!

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

Definition of Stress:
      That confusion that results when the mind overrides the body's
      desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
      desperately needs it.

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From: (NigelR. Ellis)
Subject: Animal Joke

Origin: Sharon Bennett (
Submitted-By: Nigel Ellis (

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ?
A: Half a dog...


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From: (fIREHOSE)
Subject: golfing

If you are ever caught in a thunderstorm while playing golf, the best way
to keep from being struck by lightening is to pull out a 9-iron and hold it
above your head, because not even God can hit a 9-iron.
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From: U25042@UICVM.UIC.EDU (Bob  Jackiewicz  )
Subject: Teamsters

Heard on WLUP in Chicago...

What do Teamsters and sperm have in common?

Only 1 in 1000 work.

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From: (Tim Rice - DTN 226-7197 04-May-1992 1526)
Subject: Marines are like bananas

This was told to be eons ago by a Navy Chief:

Marines are like bananas; 
they're born green;
they turn yellow;
and they die in bunches.
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Subject: heard it, sexual

Have you heard of an Australian kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but it comes from down under.

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Subject: Psychic powers

(From Dennis Owens, the morning drive-time host of WGMS (radio)in
 Washington, DC)

 "All of you out there who believe in telepathy, raise your hand."
 "All right. Now, everyone who believes in telekinesis...raise MY hand."
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From: ( Hans van Staveren)
Subject: Street gang objectives

Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member?

A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable.
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From: (Kevin W. McAuley)

	* do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool 
	  over their eyes?

	* if cigarettes are the leading cause of most household 
	  fires in america, why do so many firemen smoke?


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From: gtephx! (Andrew Ford)
Subject: Stealth Recovery

Heard on NPR (National Public Radio) - either "All Things
Considered" or "The Marketplace"

[In reference to the economic recovery that the White House

"Yeah, I guess you could call this a 'Stealth Recovery,' most of us
will never notice it!"

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Organization: University of Oslo, Institute of Informatics
From: (Bj|rn Remseth)
Subject: Pretty girls in X bacground windows

Original (I think).

Q:  Why does so many  computer nerds have pictures
    of beautiful girls in their X background windows?

A:  That's the only way they will ever have a chance to
    point at a pretty girl and say "She's my X girlfriend"

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From: (Bob Weissman)
Subject: PC-DOS joke

A guy I know has C:\BELFRY in his PATH on his PC.


Because that's where he keeps his .BATs.

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From: (Vicki Streiff)
Subject: original, brief

Simon says: don't be so suggestible.

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From: (Ed Suranyi)
Subject: Benny Hill

As far as I know the following one-liner was made up by my
friend Eric Altshuler:

Benny Hill:  the master of the single entendre.

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Organization: Informix Software, Inc.
From: billd@infmx.UUCP (William Daul)
Subject: Ultimate RISC Machine To Be Announced

I will be building the ultimate RISC machine.  I have reduced the 
instruction set to only two instructions:


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From: elrod@ocf.Berkeley.EDU (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: beer hierarchy

If Budweiser is the King of Beers, then Coors is surely _Der Fuhrer_.

Original =)
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From: (John F Haugh II)
Subject: Cure for baldness

If masturbation makes you grow hair on your palms, why don't bald men
just rub their dick on their head?

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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