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Seeing as how global overpopulation is such a pressing issue, my
boyfriend and I were thinking about the things that could be done to
alleviate it.

One of the things that makes people underestimate what it takes to raise
a baby is they way they are told about it in childhood -- in other words
baby dolls.  My boyfriend and I thought on this one and came up with a
few top sellers that would illustrate to any seven year old girl what it
really takes to raise a kid:

Baby Ain't-Gonna-Eat-This-Shit:  A small magnet glued to the inside of
the doll's face turns the head every time a spoon is brought too close.
A special spring system throws one arm up to knock to spoon out of the
loving mommy's hands and onto her clothes. 

Baby Dump-Your-Pants: Self-explanatory.  A special additive at a minial
extra cost simulates the true olfactory experience of changing an
infant's diapers.  Again, special spring systems insure that the infant
will not sit still but will instead squirm around and get out of your
hands just like a REAL BABY!!

Baby Up-At-Two-AM: A timer in the doll attached to a loudspeaker
automatically starts screaming every night at 2 in the morning.  Perfect
for those seven year olds who work swing shift!

Baby Colic:  A patented orange dye implanted into the skin of the doll
intensifies over a period of a week.  Removal of the timer from the
loudspeaker system also recreates temperament of a sick infant.

Baby Screams-In-Public-Places:  For those working mommies and daddies
who can't pay for a babysitter, here's what's in store for YOU!
 
Junior Toddler NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!:  Again, an eerily realistic
attempt to recreate the experience of dealing with a 2 year old. 

And for the older crowd:

Unwed Teenaged Mother:  Just twist her arm, and she gets pregnant!

Unwed Teenaged Father:  Teaches children an important lesson when, upon
getting the box home, they open it and discover that the doll is gone.

(thunk up by Janis Cortese and Mike Zintl) 

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