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September 1999 headline: NINTENDO LAW PASSES HOUSE House bill A45.94 passed unanimously today, the long-awaited Auto Nintendo Bill drafted by House Speaker Paul Paye (G-Sacramento) and Peter Robin (L-Orange). Starting January 2001, all vehicles will be retrofitted with NINTENDO Corporation's De-Ignition- Module and companion KAR INHIBITOR LAMP-UNIT, (DIM and KIL-U). "Democratization of traffic enforcement is now a thing of the present, the roads shall clear", Green Party congressman Paye beamed. "It is now up to each individual to pass and enforce traffic laws" stated Libertarian Robin. It was also the first triumph of the bi-partisan Congressional duo after their failed attempt to pass legislation against punning the names of members of Congress. DIM is an enclosed encoded chip that attaches to the electronic ignition and utilizes the body of the vehicle as a receiver. KIL-U is a hand held scanner unit shaped much like a futuristic ray gun that emits a directed low intensity electronic beam. When KIL-U is aimed and transmitted at another vehicle, that vehicle's DIM records a 'hit'. When a particular vehicle's hit limit reaches 25 hits, the vehicle's electronic ignition system is automatically fused, disabling the vehicle. In addition, every third 'firing' by a KIL-U increments its own DIM unit by one, preventing more ardent drivers from over-policing the highways. In testing in the Los Angeles basin, it was found that incidences of unsafe lane changes, driving too slow on the freeway, tailgating, and starting too slowly from stoplights has decreased dramatically. People have found alternatives to sitting in rush hour traffic after several incidences of DIM cars clumping and dying simultaneously. Reactions from testers varied from ecstatic to terrified, but most agreed that the project would achieve it's desired goal of eventually eliminating traffic jams and unsafe driving. "I'm not driving anymore, period." said housewife Monica Staple. "It was real fun for a while," said Tony 'Trigger' Talbot. "But, darn, do you know how much Mazda charges for an ignition system?" "If I'm on the car phone now, I definitely pay more attention to how fast I'm going and what lane I'm in" said insurance salesman George Rider. "I'm taking the bus now, I can't get from home to the grocery store without a tow truck now" said retired grocer Herbert Wong. "It definitely normalizes traffic flow." says programmer Arturo Juarez, " but man I can't turn my Dolby's on real loud in my low-rider anymore, I keep getting zapped." Many testers changed their driving habits, work hours, or moved closer to work to avoid the occurences of firing frenzies at rush hours. AAA's nationalization will be completed this year, as well as the quadrupling in rates. The measure was lauded by the American and Japanese manufacturers and auto dealership associations who have managed to monopolize electronic ignition servicing. "It is a great step toward safetyization of America" chirped retiring Mitsubishi President Lee Iacocca. Cities and counties are not expecting to have to lay off officers now unnecessary for traffic work. It is expected that former traffic cops will be absorbed by the under-staffed internal investigations departments of the various forces. "We expect we'll win the War on Drugs in Law Enforcement now" stated California Attorney General Daryl Gates. There is no further development on the anti-trust suit brought on by SEGA corporation and Atari. Competing units, Zapper by Atari, and KIL-BOY by Sega were rejected by Congressional committees after revelation that Nintendo DIM units were being incremented by 2 and 3 hits when fired upon by competing transmitters. Investigators discovered that this was not the fault of the NINTENDO receivers as originally claimed by SEGA representatives. There is also no further word on AppBM's pending patent suit against Nintendo. AppBM's massive random patent generator project of 1996 had apparently created and submitted a patent for the product, but the mega-corporation still hasn't developed the database capability to retrieve the information in-house. President Madonna in her address to Congress added: "I'd like to thank each an every one of you for last night, it was a pleasure." By Mike Sullivan
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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