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Breakthrough in male contraception (Jeffrey Hitchin)
(smirk, sexual)

<This was handed out at an obstetrics and gynecology convention.  
Permission was given to copy and hand it out.  It's a facetious
attempt turning the tables in contraception research.>

{ed Possibly from an old issue of the Journal of Irreproducible Results}

The "Umbrelly"

    The newest development in male contraception was unveiled
recently at the American's Women's Surgical Symposium held
at the Ann Arbor Medical Center.  Dr. Sophia Merkin, of the
Merkin Clinic, announced the preliminary findings of a study
conducted on 763 unsuspecting male grad students at a large
Midwestern university.  In her report, Dr. Merkin stated that
the new contraceptive- the IPD -was a breakthrough in male
contraception.  It will be marketed under the trade name "Umbrelly."
The IPD (intrapenal device) resembles a tiny folded umbrella
that is inserted through the head of the penis and pushed into
the scrotum with a plunger-like instrument.  Occasionally, there 
is perforation of the scrotum, but this is disregarded, since it 
is known that the male has few nerve endings in this area of his 
body.  The underside of the umbrella contains a spermicidal jelly, 
hence the name "Umbrelly."
Experiments on a thousand white whales from the Continental Shelf 
(whose sexual apparatus is said to be closest to man's) proved the 
Umbrelly to be 100 percent effective in preventing production of sperm 
and eminently satisfactory to the female whale, since it doesn't 
interfere with her rutting pleasure.
Dr. Merkin declared the Umbrelly to be statistically safe for the 
human male.  She reported that of the 763 grad students tested with 
the device, only two died of scrotal infection, only twenty 
experienced swelling of the tissues.  Three developed cancer of the 
testicles, and thirteen were too depressed to have an erection.  She 
states that common complaints ranged from cramping and bleeding to 
acute abdominal pain.  She emphasized that these symptoms were merely
indications that the man's body had not yet adjusted to the device.  
Hopefully the symptoms were disappear within a year.
One complication caused by th IPD and briefly mentioned by Dr. Merkin 
was the incidence of massive scrotal infection necessitating the surgical
removal of the testicles.  "But this is a rare case," said Merkin, "too 
rare to be statistically important.  She said the other distinguished 
members of the Women's College of Surgeons agreed that the benefits far
outweighed the risk to any individual man.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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