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First Aid Hints



Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.

Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts And Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime
Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D'Eath,
Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a
mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: (Tom Magliery)
Subject: First Aid Tips
Keywords: original, chuckle, swearing

I have a little "first aid tips" card.  You pull the tab down till
the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays
symptoms and treatment.  My roommate Tom Matches got hold of it and
modified the treatments somewhat.  (The symptoms are what the card
actually says):

APPENDICITIS    Pain in right lower abdomen.   Who cares?  It's a 
                Nausea, possible vomiting      vestigial organ anyway.
                and fever.                     Give him an aspirin.

BURNS and       Redness, mild swelling, and    Peel away dead skin.  Rub
SCALDS          pain.  Blisters may develop.   vigorously to encourage
                                               good circulation.

CONVULSION      Strong, jerking movements;     Sit on victim.  Laugh at
                stiff body.  Difficulty        him until he gets
                breathing.  Bluish face.       embarrassed and stops.
                Eyes rolled back, gritting
                of teeth, frothy mouth.

CROUP           Noisy, difficult breathing.    Stuff a sock in victim's
                Hoarse, barking cough.         mouth.

CUTS and        Cuts bleed and hurt.           Call victim a sissy and
BRUISES         Bruises get red, swollen,      and send him back out to
                and hurt.                      play.

DOG BITE        Redness, swelling and          Scold victim.  Shoot dog.
                bleeding if skin is broken.
                Fear of the dog.

DROWNING        Unconscious, pale or blue      Talk about what a great
                skin.                          guy he was.

EARACHE         Pain.  Possible dizziness      Listen to one hour of
                or discharge from ear.         Motley Crue.  THEN you'll
                Possible fever.                know what an earache is.

FAINTING        Pale, clammy skin,             Before victim revives, take
                dizziness, shallow             his wallet and clothes and
                breathing, sweating and        put him on a bus to Toledo.
                temporary unconsciousness.

FEVER           Body temperature over          Administer 4 oz. of 'Old
                98.6 degrees F (37 C).         Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey]
                Hot forehead.                  every 2 hours.

FROSTBITE       Skin flushed, then changing    Submerge in boiling water.
                to white or greyish yellow.
                Blister may appear.  Cold
                and numb.  Pain.

HEAT            High temperature.  Pale and    Lock up victim in walk-in
EXHAUSTION      clammy skin, or hot and        freezer for 1-2 hours.
                flushed skin.  Headache and
                weakness.  Possible nausea.

INSECT BITES    Pain and redness at the        Capture insect and mash to
and STINGS      site of the sting or bite.     paste.  Dissolve in one
                Possible allergic reactions    cup of milk and have victim
                such as shock or difficulty    drink.

NOSEBLEED       Profuse bleeding from the      Apply tourniquet to
                nose.                          victim's neck.

POISONING       Symptoms vary.  Throat or      Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
                stomach pains.  Mouth burns.   solution to flush system.
                Vomiting.  Drowsiness.

SHOCK           Victim pale and weak.          Grasp victim firmly by the
                Clammy skin, perspiration on   shoulders and shake, 
                upper lip and forehead.        shouting, "Snap out of it!"
                Pulse rate and breathing
                rate are increased.

STROKE          Unconscious.  Heavy            Kiss patient goodbye.
                breathing.  Apparent           It's all over.
                weakness in face or limbs on
                one side of body.  Inability
                to speak.

SUNBURN         Redness, mild swelling, and    Remove reddened skin with
                pain.  Possible blisters.      sandpaper.  Soak affected
                                               area in alcohol.

SWALLOWING      Dangerous when in air          Shout, "Hey, dumbshit,
FOREIGN         passages.  Voilent coughing    spit that out!  Whatsa
BODIES          and choking.  Bluish facial    matter with you!"
                discoloration.  Breathing
                may stop.

TOOTHACHE       Pain.  Tooth is sensitive      Alternate administration of
                to hot and cold food and       hot coffee and ice cream.

Tom Magliery

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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