I posted this article in comp.sys.amiga.advocacy, a newsgroup in which (due to the actions of certain individuals) the discussion sometimes degenerates into flame-fests and "my computer is better than yours" wars. At the request of several readers, I hereby submit it to rec.humor.funny. [Necessary history: "BLAZEMONGER" is the name of a legendary Amiga computer game that is reputed to be the fastest arcade game ever written. It's so fast that the screen flashes <GAME OVER> even before you insert the disk into the drive... you get the idea!] Posted in: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Summary: BLAZEMONGER INC. strikes again! Keywords: Flames great, less filling Boy, these "computer wars" sure take a lot of time! I mean, I know that everybody loves hearing why computer X is better than computer Y, but think of all the EFFORT involved! There are DOZENS of flamers working hard to write LONG and ORIGINAL articles about issues that get argued OVER and OVER again. There MUST be a better way! There IS a better way!! [Rumble rumble] Introducing... P H R A S E M O N G E R the FASTEST way to FLAME! Yes, PHRASEMONGER, the latest in a series of USEFUL yet HARMFUL products from the creative cesspools of BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED. PHRASEMONGER is so AMAZINGLY, MIND-NUMBINGLY FAST that it can flame EVERY POSTER in the comp.sys.amiga hierarchy in mere SECONDS! Even by E-MAIL!! Did somebody just post an article that you HATED? Did the poster tell LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, or just plain BULL?? Did it make you ANGRY?!?!? Do you want to POST THE MOST VICIOUS, DAMAGING FLAME IN THE HISTORY OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA, TOTALLY DESTROYING THE REPUTATIONS OF THE IDIOT POSTER AND HIS MOTHER AND PET DOGGIE FOR ALL ETERNITY??!!!?!??!?!?! Well, in that case, I suggest that you get serious psychological help immediately! But for the REST of us, PHRASEMONGER is a quick way to FLAME without having to work hard. After all, isn't that what computers are for? Simply feed the offending USENET article into PHRASEMONGER, click on the appropriate intensity gadget ("Disagree", "Disagree Strongly", "Hate", "Maim", "Kill Lightly", "Dismember", "Puree", or "REALLY Not Nice"), and let the program go to work! Instantly, a customized FLAME is ready for your posting pleasure. For example, suppose that Joe Flamebait has posted the following article: From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. Muhammed Ali Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.aversion In article <email@example.com> firstname.lastname@example.org writes: >Which should I buy? Buy a Mac. It has a cute little trashcan. Much better than the nasty NeXT "black hole." And besides, I am such an expert on these two machines that I think I'll post it in an Amiga newsgroup so everybody can be enlightened. --- Joe Flamebait, email@example.com No matter where you go, there's a stupid quote! Feed it to PHRASEMONGER, click on the "Half-Intensity" gadget, and look what comes out!! From: <your name or pseudonym here> Subject: What a JERK (was Re: Re: Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. ...) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.aversion,comp.sys.atari.st, sci.electronics,rec.humor,comp.binaries.ibm-pc, misc.books,rec.music.synth,alt.pictures.d Followup-To: comp.sys.mac,rec.arts.startrek,comp.unix.wizards In article <firstname.lastname@example.org>, flamebait@deadbeef writes: >[totally ignorant ravings deleted] Mac? MAC?!? Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND!?!??!? You OBVIOUSLY have NO IDEA what you're talking about! The NeXT?!? GET A LIFE!! Both of these machines are INEPT at best, incapable even of picking the CORNS on my TOES. And don't even *mention* Multifinder... oh, no. What a JOKE. The Mac belongs in the very TRASH CAN that it displays. The NeXT should get SUCKED into a black hole itself. And you, Mr. Smarty-Pants, should be fed to rabid wolves. And next time, buddy, keep it in your OWN NEWSGROUP!!! --- <Your name or pseudonym here> Not bad, eh? But that's not ALL! You don't even have to give PHRASEMONGER the original article! Just type in a few key words or phrases, and PHRASEMONGER will give you a perfect flame ANYWAY! Example 1: Input: Apple, Irving Gould, CDTV Gadget: "Maim" Output: "You misbegotten Apple employees don't know what you're TALKING ABOUT! This is TOTAL and UTTER BULLSHIT!!! CDTV can run RINGS around the Mac IIfx ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!! Get the HELL off of the NET!!! Love, Irving Gould" Example 2: Input: asdf4 Gadget: "Embarrass" Output: "WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!! No matter HOW you say it, your INFORMATION is COMPLETELY without content! I refer you to chapter 4 of the ROM KERNEL MANUAL so you can see how BRAINLESS your comment was. No, I won't tell you the PAGE NUMBER, you mamby-pamby little CREEP." Now that you've seen PHRASEMONGER at work, a natural question you might ask is: "How does PHRASEMONGER do it?" To answer that question, let's feed it to PHRASEMONGER (at various intensity levels) and find out!! Input: "How does PHRASEMONGER do it?" Gadget: Somewhat Friendly Output: "BLAZEMONGER INC. has the ULTIMATE programmers. They can do ANYTHING, you little dweeb." Gadget: Medium Output: "We don't give out TRADE SECRETS for FREE, you MOOCHER. Write your OWN damn program." Gadget: Destructive Output: "By kidnapping your MOTHER and doing IRRESPONSIBLE ACTIONS with a garden hose." Wheee!!! Obviously this program has lots of POTENTIAL. It is hoped that PHRASEMONGER will provide the ULTIMATE in high-temperature entertainment for YEARS to come!! Get your copy now at finer software stores everywhere. But be sure to wear gloves when opening the box.... Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- email@example.com | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// PS: WARNING! Judging from the content of some of the recent articles in this newsgroup, it is obvious that some buggy "beta" copies of PHRASEMONGER have leaked out onto USENET. Beware!
(From the "Rest" of RHF)