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"I'm not here now..." (John F Stoffel)
(computer, chuckle)

I've censored out any irrelevant names or sensitive subjects (replaced by 
<xxx>).  This is great - and it even mentions Elvis!

Subj:	FWD: Top this for a watch-mail message
Subj:	Top this for a watch-mail message
Subj:	Auto Reply from Watch_Mail for 15-AUG-1991 17:30 to 3-SEP-1991 00:00

	Steve cannot respond to your mail right now. He has been kidnapped by
space aliens and is being held on the planet Bmnifyl until our demands are 
met.  Although far too complex for mere humans to comprehend, the knowledge 
Steve has acquired by porting <xxx> to <yyy> makes him invaluable throughout 
the galaxy.  Steve suggested that we use these primitive means to convey our 
message to other Earthlings. Steve is being well-treated. We probed his 
subconscious, his innermost fantasies, to find the ideal setting for Steve 
while we await the Earth response to our demands. Although some of Steve's 
fantasies were beyond our means to provide (and in some cases, to understand), 
he seems quite content in his new setting.
	Steve asked that we inform other Earthlings to contact <zzz> regarding 
issues having to do with the <aaa> project.  Contact <bbb> or <ccc> for other 
emergencies.  Contact <ddd> for membership to <eee>.
	If the following 10 demands are met, Steve will be returned to his
office on Tuesday, September 3rd unharmed and well-rested. Otherwise, Steve's
knowledge will be used to improve the lives of billions of lifeforms 
throughout the galaxy, all worshiping the ground he walks on, his every whim 
and fancy turned immediately into reality. You see, simple Earthlings, we 
can't lose. You have no chance against our superior intelligence. (By the way, 
Steve wanted to add a few demands of his own to the list which we, of course, 


1. Elvis will be returned to us immediately!
2. Whoever has been mutilating cattle and making crop circles, cut it out!
   We don't think it's funny anymore!
3. Immediately start rebroadcasting "Lost in Space." It was our favorite
   T.V. show.
4. The staff of the Weekly World News will report back to the planet Bmnifyl
   right away for violating the prime directive.
5. Everyone will immediately standardize on the VMS operating system, the
   obvious choice of beings with higher intelligence, and stop using all those
   other silly operating systems which have the entire rest of the galaxy
   laughing behind your backs.
6. Each and every Earthling will consume hotdogs, baked beans, bananas, and
   beer for one week while we conduct atmospheric studies on CO2 levels to
   determine the validity of your so-called greenhouse effect and to
   potentially take corrective measures (and don't think we won't enjoy
   conducting this experiment).
7. You will decriminalize the following drugs immediately:
   ...Wait a minute, what was I talking about?
8. Dan Quayle will be given unconditional decision-making authority for NASA
   and the U.S. space program.
9. Lighten up! You Earthlings take things way too seriously. Galactic  
   comedians are constantly poking fun at and imitating Earthlings:

		[ With a straight face...]

	Q: How many Earthlings does it take to change a gravitron belt?
	A: One.

		[ Roars of laughter rattle the space continuum ]

10. All so-called Yuppies will be rounded up in camps for our future
    consumption (just provide them with baked brie, some wine, and a Wall
    Street Journal to keep them entertained). We find these are the only
    humans we can bring ourselves to eat.

/sdd (Steve DiPirro)

------- End of forwarded message -------

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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