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Selection of golf jokes ... (Hobson's Choice 13-Oct-1991 0551)

    Two Scottish golfers are just about to putt out on the 16th green,
which is adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession passes by.
Whereupon one of the golfers, Mr. McGregor, interrupts his putting, takes
off his hat and bows to the procession. His partner says, "That was really
gentlemanly of you - paying your respects like that!" 

McGregor: "Well, she WAS my wife for 25 years..." 

  A Business man while out of town decided to play a little golf after a 
short work day.  He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to 
go out to the course and get paired up there.  When he arrived there were no 
guys ready to play but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a 
foursome.  He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the 
lady.  While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years.  They were both 
getting very frustrated with their games.  On the 18th a par 4 the game was 
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2.  When they 
arrived on the green they saw that this was the worst green that either had 
ever seen.  This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six.  He looked over the 
green and was very frustrated.  He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us 
dinner tonight."  He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through 
the grove around the short hill and up passed the cup and slowed.  Just as 
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped
and the ball rolled back into the cup.  He made a great shot.  Not to be 
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot.  She said, "If I make this
shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner."  The guy 
interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot."
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove.  He suddenly smiled
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimmy if I ever 
saw one."

An avid, yet average, golfer was out playing one day, when his ball went
into a sand trap.  As he entered the trap to play his shot, he noticed a
shiny object.  Upon digging it up, he noticed it was a lamp.  He rubbed the
lamp, and to his amazement, a genie appeared. 

"Since you have released me from my lamp, I will grant you anything you
wish, but I must warn you, your sex life will suffer for 1 year." 
The golfer thought for a moment, then replied, "That's ok, I
can handle it.  I want to be the world's greatest golfer."
"Ok, " said the genie, "you're now the worlds greatest golfer",
and he disappeared back into the lamp.
The golfer took his sand shot, and to his amazement, it went in the hole. 
For the next year, it was as the genie said, he was the world's greatest
A year later, the man was playing the same course again, and the ball again
went into the sand trap.  As he entered the trap, he again noticed the
lamp, so he picked it up and rubbed it.  Sure enough, the genie appeared. 
He looked at the golfer and asked, "You were here last year weren't you. 
No one has ever come back a second time.  Tell me, did your sex life really
Man - Well, I did only have sex 5 times last year ... but that's
not too bad for a priest from a small parish.

A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee.  She swings the club
and dubs the ball.  The Pro sees that the problem is with her grip of the
club and says to her, "Try holding the club like you hold your
husband's....(you know)" "Oh" says the lady- takes out her driver using the
new grip and hits one 250 yards. "That's good", the Pro encourages, "but
try taking the club out of your mouth". 

Here are two short ones I heard a long time ago :

-- You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!
-- Sorry old chap!  Here, take a shot at mine!


-- Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?
-- Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?
-- No, for using the wrong club.
        "Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls"


Question: Why'd the golfer have 2 pairs of pants?
    Answer: In case he got a hole-in-one.

I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
particular, late afternoon league golfers.   This study indicated that the
single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married
ones.  The way this fact was determined was as follows:  the single golfer
goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
"refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator......... 

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