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Best of Usenet Oracularities #276-300 (Steve Kinzler)
(various, chuckle)

293-03 0033b 4.5


The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

What did the Tibetan monk say to the hot dog vendor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred one block south of Times Square in July 1988.

Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today? Footlong with the works? I said, what can I get for ya today? Hey, ya wanna hot dog or not? Listen if yer not going to order willya move on, I gotta business to run. Stop starin' at me, man. And wipe that silly grin off yer face. Say something, dammit, yer givin' me the creeps. Hey, I get it. Ya don't any English, do ya? Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot dogs, uh, perros calientes. Okay, fine! just stand there. See if I care. Just don't scare away the customers. Jeez. Forget it. Ya wanna Coke? Coca-cola? I don't care where yer from, ya gotta understand "Coca-cola." Coca-cola? Stop smiling. People'll think yer up to something. Hey, I got all-beefs, beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish sausage, and kielbasa. You can get ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, pickles, or onions on them. I've got plain and whole grain buns. I don't care what you want, just order something or leave. I'm serious, man, if you don't go away, I'll call the cops and have them arrest you for loitering. Jesus Christ, will you stop staring at me! STOP IT! At least blink once in a while. You're driving me crazy! You wanna Coke? Wait, no, I already tried that. Listen, man, I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at me. I gotta gun under the counter. I'll use it. I mean it. STOP STARING AT ME! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! AAAAARGH! STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! PLEASE LOOK AWAY! HERE! OKAY! I'M MAKING YOU A HOT DOG FOR FREE! TAKE IT! EAT IT! JUST GO AWAY! STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! YOU WANNA COKE? OKAY! HERE'S A COKE! IT'S ON THE HOUSE! NOW PLEASE GO AWAY! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS! YOUR EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE! PLEASE STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!

Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show his teeth. At that moment the hot dog vendor was enlightened.

You owe the Oracle a better koan. And a new deli.

285-06 00344 4.1

Selected-By: ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

so what do I do????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

My, my. Five words, eight question marks. You must like punctuation more than you like writing. No matter, I like writing.



Thank you, and welcome to "What's My Line." Please meet the distinguished members of our panel:

Our first panelist is the hottest thing on Broadway since Nathan's added peppers to their hot dogs. Please welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber.


(singing) I'm really glad to be here tonight, Although I've just had a terrible fright, Aspects of Love recently closed, Guess I'll have to stay on my toes.

Our second panelist is the producer of "Twin Peaks," David Lynch.


The shadow of the evening will underscore the futility of life. Are there to be more deaths once the shortage of Saran Wrap is over?

Our third panelist is the boy wonder of Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates.


The User Interface for the USENET Oracle is directly copied from Windows. You'll be hearing from our lawyers, assuming Scully doesn't file suit first.

Our final panelist is none other than the ghost of Bennet Cerf.


Thank you John, I mean Oracle. It's true that the quality of mercy is not strained. These days, its pureed.

Will tonight's mystery guest sign in please.

(scribble scribble)

Now panel, please remember to ask questions that can be answered Yes or No. We'll begin our questioning with Mr. Webber:

(singing) You type like a hurried lad, are you perhaps an undergrad?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's one down and nine to go. Mr Lynch:

Damn, that's good singing! Are you employed in something which requires very little training, then?

Guest: Yes.

The Log Lady thinks you might be a computer salesman. Are you?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's two down and eight to go. Mr Gates:

My question is in beta test and will be available during the third quarter.

Oracle: That's three down and seven to go. Mr. Cerf:

Are you, perhaps, one of the voice stand-ins for Milli Vanilli?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's four down and six to go. Back to you, Mr. Webber.

(singing) Cats are mystical, and so I say, Do you work mostly by day?

Guest: Yes.

At last the puzzle starts to unravel, does your work require a lot of travel?

Guest: Yes.

I ask two questions, twice I get 'yes', are you, perhaps, a stewardess?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's five down and five to go. Mr Lynch:

Diane, I'm sitting on the panel of this ficticious game show, being created by an otherwise bored computer geek. Get his address in case we need some odd character for the season finale. Does your work involve driving a vehicle?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's six down and four to go. Mr. Gates:

Having acquired the software division of Mr Lynch's company, we have released a patch to version 1.0 of his question. Are you a computer saleswoman?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's seven down and three to go. Mr. Cerf:

Your typing sounds familiar. Didn't I see you on the Letterman show?

Guest: Yes and No.

Oracle: We'll interpret that as a yes.

Are you a member of that most octavian fraternity, a musician?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's eight down and two to go. Mr. Webber:

(singing) The questioning is nearly done, are you the producer's son?

Guest: No.

Oracle: That's nine down and one to go. Mr Lynch, I'm sorry but your question was acquired by Mr. Gates' company which has elected to withdraw it from the market in favor of Excel. That's ten down and none to go. Mystery guest, would you identify yourself, please.

Guest: I'm Dan Quayle.

Panel: Who?

Oracle: That's all the time we have today. Thank you for tuning in and tune in next time for the Oracular version of "What's My Line."



You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show.

285-10 00425 4.1

Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Dear Oracle, wise one, My school just built a new athletic building. What is its scriptural significance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Scriptural significance? Hmm. . . let me check. The only scriptural database I have is on an old Apple //e. I think I can download it.

 $ ftp 
 TCP Wollongong FTP server ready ( 31-MAR-1991 22:31:24.93 
 Connection established 
 (Connection will close if left idle for more than 5 minutes.) 
  Enter password: 
 (User ORACLE logged in at 1-APR-1991  04:31:24.93 GST) 
 ] pr#3 
 ] run 
 Wholly Holy--the Biblical Processor 
 Copyright (C) 1983, 1985 Heritage Enterprises 
 Concordance Copyright (C) 1985 Microsoft, Inc. 

Hallelujah!> help Press "B" to Begin reading Press "C" to Continue reading where you left off Press "O" for additional Options Press "Q" to Quit Press "S" to initiate Search Press "T" to Tithe Press "V" for random inspirational Verse Hallelujah!> S Enter string to search for: athletic Enter books to search (<RET> for all, ? for help): Searching:

Numbers 23:21: "And verily, there shall be athletic buildings, and the athletes shall sweat therein, and the number of athletes shall be seventy times seven. And they shall abide therein, and by their sweat they shall serveth the Lord."

Matthew 2:37: "And Nezrahiah begat Jehilipha, who was athletic, and Jehilipha lived to be two hundred, four and twenty years, when he begat Hectel, who was not athletic, . . ."

II John 4:2: "Then Jesus bowed his head and said, 'With this loaf I feedeth you, with this salve I anointeth you, and with this fig leaf I art thine athletic supporter.'"

3 references found. Search Apocrypha? (Y/N): Y

Judith 1:4: "And it will come to pass that the finest athletes will come to this athletic building to sweat unto the Lord, and the number of the athletes will be seventy times seven plus seventy times seven again, but the number of the buildings shall be just one."

 1 additional reference found. 
 Hallelujah!> Q 

] init Connection closed by remote. FTP> ^Z $ lo

ORACLE logged out at 31-MAR-1991 22:34:24.93

Well, there, you have it. I'd search the Koran and the Torah for you, but alt.religions is down right now.

290-09 01558 4.1

Selected-By: (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oh wisest of the wise oracle, please explain to me,

Why is it that every time a female describes her relationship with me, the word 'plutonic' is always used?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

They mean that, like Pu-225, your relationship had a half-life of 26 minutes.

You owe the Oracle a cyclotomic accelerator.

297-08 01386 4.1


The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oracle of wonders, I want to marry my girlfriend Cathy. What does our future look like? Children? Money? Affairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Your future looks bleak, oh young hormone-infested mortal. Your inability to communicate in complete sentences will be nothing but trouble for you. You will drive Cathy crazy saying things like, "How are the wedding invitations coming? Envelopes? Stamps? Post?" Later, after you are married, Cathy will become increasingly irritable after being exposed to your odd mannerism for a month or two. "Honey, where are my socks? Argyle? Sweat? Dark?" Unfortunately, things will only go downhill from there. "Cathy, why don't we have any friends? Turtle? Banana? Apocalypse?" You will become increasingly moody and withdrawn. "Dammit, don't let the Kaiser steal my string! Swingtown! Megaphone? Grunties." As a last ditch effort, Cathy will dunk your head in a vat of strawberry yogurt to shake this affliction from you. Ultimately, you will die a solitary man, feeble and wrinkled. Your last words being, "Curse you Red Baron! You and all your ugly kin! Greenspan? Rosebud! Phlegm." Hey, you asked.

You owe the Oracle a Sears mediterranian style color console television set with 25" screen and real simulated woodgrain finish. (mine is on the fritz)

286-07 02355 3.9

Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

If a user is really stupid, and just can't quite grasp the concept of a high-density vs. a low density disk, is it OK to shoot them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

No, but you're on the right track. Here's how to explain it, using a coffee can, some water, and a gun.

Fill the coffee can with water and set it on the table next to the user. Tell him that this is like a high-density floppy disk, which can hold quite a bit of water (ie. data. Since your user is stupid you may have to explicitly point this out.)

Aim the gun at the can and shoot a hole in the side. Some of the water will run out. Explain that by decreasing the density of the metal making up the can (by introducing discontinuity,) you have lowered the storage capacity of said can. Mention that a similarity exists between coffee cans and diskettes.

Now turn to face the user. Act like you've forgotten you're still holding the gun, but actually, aim it carefully at the user's chest. Ask him if he understands the difference now.

If he doesn't, you have a perfect legal right and moral responsibility to shoot him. But try not to let him get blood on the computers.

You owe the Oracle six kilowatt-hours.

288-04 11265 3.9

Selected-By: (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oracle oh wise, I'm stressing real hard! Should I get a trip to Europe or a "nice" NeXT computer for graduation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

My son, let us compare the two options systematically and the choice will become clear...

NeXT Europe ---------------- ------------------------ voltage 110V 220V storage CD-ROM 2 bags + carryon operating system UNIX/Windows socialism speed 10.5 hz 2 cappucino/day standard languages C/Pascal/Fortran no standards expandability unlimited unlikely M.T.B.F. 24000 hours 24 hours displays VGA+ museums, nude beaches networking LAN ready EEC documentation 3 volume user guide _Foder's_ portability with special case not hardly expected date 1992 1992 of obsolescence

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