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Forbidden Zone #121 (Relative Value Ranking) (P Scannell)
(original, chuckle, computer)

           Adventures in the Forbidden Zone #121
           Copyright (c) 1991 Patrick D. Scannell

NAME:  Pragma Q. Paige             DATE: day of reckoning

In order to best participate in the RVR process your input
is essential.  This information will be used to remind your
manager who you are and exactly what it is you do around
here, anyway.  If anything.  It will also be a black mark on
your permanent record.

A. Criteria (yes, Virginia, there are Criteria)

     Job Performance (performance against goals/job
     During the past year, what have been your key
     achievements and/or accomplishments against goals?  In
     favor of goals?
          I'm not sure what you mean by "key."  I found the
          key to my filing cabinet.  Is that what you had in
     What goals remain unmet and why?
          Failed to get laid off.  Again.  I guess I don't
          live right.
          Failed to make V.P. of Engineering.  No vacancies
          this year.  (At least, that's what they told me.)
          Forgot to have person or persons who concocted
          this form assassinated.  I'll make a note of it,
     Value of Skills (breadth, depth and criticality)
     What are your most important skills?  Why do you
     consider them key?
          C and UNIX programming skills.  Because everybody
          else does.
          Protective Coloration
          High Pain Threshold
          UNIX and C
          Sense of Humor (Helps to keep my coworkers sane,
          which in turn makes me more productive by keeping
          the screaming and sobbing to a minimum.)
          UNIX or C
          Ability to invent useful-sounding names for
          useless skills.
          Did I mention C xor UNIX?
     What training, reading or job assignments have expanded
     your skills?
          I attended training classes in our excellent
          Inspection Process and our exciting Software
          Engineering Process Architecture, thus expanding
          my Inspection skills and my Adhering to SEPA
          skills.  I also read the ISO 9001 Quality Manual,
          thus enhancing my Not Being The One Who Screws Up
          Our ISO 9000 Certification And Loses His Job
     What were the key or changed skill requirements
     requested of you over the past year?
          I had to develop new organizational and decision-
          making skills to cope with a plethora of satirical
          targets far beyond the energy and ability of any
          mere mortal.
     Potential for Broader Contribution (ability to manage
     more resources, handle critical projects, move into
     other functions, move up one or more levels, and
          I'm ready to move up to Vice President of
          Engineering any time now.  Everybody says so.  If
          I have to relocate to the fifth floor, so be it.
     List the assignments, work teams and/or projects in
     which you participated or took a leadership role.
     Describe your contribution.
          I get it.  This is a trick question.  You're going
          to compare this list with the "Accomplishments
          For/Against Goals" section I already filled in and
          see if they match up.  Well, the joke's on you,
          because I left them both blank.
     In what ways did you do things or contribute
     differently in your current job over the past year?
          All jokes are now FDA inspected, have the Good
          Horsekeeping Seal of Approval, and read the same
          backwards as forward.
     Bull Values (risk taking, team player, respect for
     people, customer orientation, receptivity to change,
     results orientation, and "can do" behaviours to name a
          Risk taking:  Just staying around here is more
          risk than most people can handle.
          Respect for people:  You stupid twit!  You've got
          a lot of nerve questioning my respect for
          Receptivity to change: I've written code on 93
          projects using seventeen programming languages on
          twelve operating systems running on nine hardware
          platforms.  Meanwhile I've been through 507
          reorganizations under seven different company
          names.  All without changing offices.  And
          "Can do" attitude: I had one until I started
          filling out this damned form!
          "Can Do" attitude: I'm not sure if I have this,
          but I can get it.
     What have you done that demonstrates these values?
          As a CIP project I implemented Bull values under
          MS Windows, using the tools provided by Affinity.
          This implementation was demonstrated for a number
          of people in the Mission group.
     In what circumstances have others recognized you for
     these values?
          Let's face it, I am the living embodiment of Bull
          values.  You can't swing a cat around this place
          without hitting someone who's said four or five
          times, "Pragma?  He's a risk taker, but he's a
          team player.  And boy, does he have respect for
          people!"  "Yes, that's true.  It's so surprising
          in someone so results oriented."  "Yeah, but he's
          just that kind of 'can do' guy."

B. Development

     What are your short (next 12 months) and long (12+
     months) term career interests?  What support do you
     need to achieve them?
          Short term: VP of Engineering.
          Support needed: not getting fired or laid off, and
          of course our current V.P. getting on the stick
          and getting promoted.
          Long term: President of the United States
          Support needed: a tremendous write-in campaign and
          a viable Vice Presidential candidate.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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