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{ed I told you people to stop sending me trek parodies. I am not even
going to read new ones unless they come in with a ton of references.
There have been too many, they're starting to lose it.}
STAR DREK: The Next Degeneration
The Crew:
Captain Jerk-Off Picknose
Commander Will Reeker
Lieutenant jg / Lieutenant / Lt. Commander (how'd he get promoted so fast)
Gourd LaFarce
Lieutenant Wharf
Doctor BeverlyHills Flusher
Doctor Mate Pullassi
Lieutenant Trashed Yar
Bad-Acting Ensign Wessly Flusher
IBM part #23521 , aka Lt. Commander Date
and the appropriately named, Lt. Not-appearing-in-this-episode.
Captain's Log (Log(captain) is the integral of 1/captain), Stardate 44622.1
and 35 seconds. The A.S.S. Entranceramp is currently on the edge of the
Romulan neutral zone. This really pisses the Roms off.
Picknose: Status, Mr. Date.
Date: Everything's groovy, big guy. The Roms have absolutely no idea we're
here. Let's nuke the mothers.
Picknose: You're usage of human idioms is, ah, improving.
(strange 'beeping' noise, similar to that made by a smurf(tm) being dismembered)
(but it's only the intercom)
Yar: Captain, someone's reporting a disturbance in the cafeteria.
Picknose: Take Wharf and investigate.
(Yar 'takes' Wharf, right there on the bridge. They then exit, picking up the
ripped clothing)
------------------------
Scene: The cafeteria, where atrocities that would make a Ferengi cringe are
committed daily.
(Yar and Wharf step out of the elevator, carrying enormous phaser rifles)
Yar: What seems to be the trouble here?
Wessly (cowering beneath table): It's the chocolate pudding! It's trying
to escape!
Yar: We can handle that! (runs to food synthesizer. In front of the
machine is a black, sticky oilslick/pudding creature with a
bad attitude. It's at least 10 feet tall.) We, uh, come in
peace.
Creature: I will kill one of you.
Yar: Well, peace doesn't work. (Fires phaser into creature)
(It has no effect. The strange creature simply absorbs the energy, and then
emits a bolt that strikes Yar in the head and throws her across the room)
Wharf (grabbing communicator): Medical to the cafeteria. No hurry.
Wharf: If you don't surrender immediately, I'll play a Barry Manilow record.
Creature: NO! Not THAT! Anything else! (slithers back into food
synthesizer.)
(The turbolift opens, revealing Dr. Flusher.)
Flusher: Wessly! What have you done now!
Wessly (whining): I didn't --
Flusher and Wharf: Shut up, Wessly!
Wharf: It's Yar, Doctor.
Flusher (examining Yar): She's dead, Jim.
Yar: uh, I'm not quite dead, doctor.
Flusher: Well, you've been mortally wounded.
Yar: I think I could pull through.
Flusher: I see.
Yar: Actually, I think I'm all right. I'll go back to the bridge.
Flusher: No, no, you have to go to sickbay. I'll know for sure if you're
alive after the autopsy.
Yar: But I'm not dead! I just had the wind knocked out of me.
Flusher: I'm the doctor, I'll make the decisions. Now shut up and act
like a corpse.
-----------------------------------------
(the Holodeck. King Will Reeker sits naked on his throne, while a dozen
slave girls beg to be whipped)
Holodeck girls: Punish us, master!
(Reeker's fantasy is interrupted by a noise like a small furry animal being
stepped on. It's that intercom again)
Picknose: Commander, you're needed on the bridge.
Reeker: I'm on my way. Damn. It was just getting interesting.
----------------------------------------
(Bridge. Reeker, now back in uniform, enters.)
Reeker: This better be good, baldy.
Picknose: We're about to go into the neutral zone. And 3 Romulan cruisers
will immediately decloak and surround us.
Reeker: How do you know what the Roms will do?
Picknose: I watched last week's preview.
Reeker: What is our course, Lt. Commander LaFarce?
LaFarce: I'm a Commodore now.
Reeker: And you were a Lieutenant jg just last season. The fact that your
father's a senator probably has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Picknose: He asked what our course was, Commodore.
LaFarce: That way. (points forward)
Picknose: such precision.
LaFarce: What did you expect? I'm blind!
Picknose: Take us in, Mr. LaFarce.
(External view. The mighty starship A.S.S. Entranceramp glides past the
camera. Strangely, the throbbing sound of its engines can be heard in
vacuum. Suddenly, three Romulan cruisers (suprise, suprise!) decloak
surrounding NCC-1701 DOA. Back to the bridge.)
Picknose: Blue alert.
(Blue lights come on. The siren sounds vaguely like the screams made by
a man with his hand in a Cuisinart.)
Date: They're hailing us, captain.
Picknose: On screen. (to Romulan) Hello. Would you like to buy some
Girl Scout cookies? Made from real Girl Scouts?
Romulan Commander: What? Don't f*ck with my mind, Picknose. You have
invaded our territory.
Picknose: Oh, in that case, we surrender.
Romulan Commander: Excellent. Lower shields and prepare to be boarded.
LaFarce: Some of us are bored already.
Picknose: Lower shields.
Reeker (to intercom): Transporter room. Prepare to receive our guests.
O'Brain: They're materializing now, sir.
Picknose: Unplug it.
---------------------------------------
(cut to transporter room. O'Brain pulls plug. The transporter field
collapses, spilling Romulan body parts all over the platform)
(Dr. Pullassi enters.)
Pullassi: Just getting something for my collection... (picks up Romulan
pieces)
O'Brain: Where's Dr. Flusher?
Pullassi: She's only gone temporarily. I'll disappear next scene and
never be mentioned again.
O'Brain: Gene works in Mysterious Ways.
---------------------------------------
(bridge)
Reeker: Raise shields!
Picknose: Open a channel to the Romulan ship.
Picknose (to Romulan): So, you think you could out-clever us French folk
with your stupid English running about and...
Romulan commander: You have committed an act of war! The Empire will...
(Wharf disconnects him.)
Picknose: Mr. LaFarce, prepare to... Where is he?
Reeker: Engineering, sir. You know how he gets promoted faster than everyone
else around here...
Picknose: It doesn't matter. Ensign Flusher, arm weapons.
Wessly: Weapons ready, sir.
Picknose: Fire at will.
(Wessly jumps out of his chair, grabs a phaser, and fires at Will. Will
disintegrates.)
Picknose: Not *him*, you dolt! He was going to be offered six more promotions
to captain this season!
Wessly: Captain, the Romulans have fired torpedoes. Shall I take evasive --
Picknose: Shut up, Wessly! Never interrupt a superior officer. I fear Lt.
Wharf will have to teach you a lesson with his cattle prod.
Wessly: But sir, we're all gonna die if I don't--
Picknose: Enough! Wharf, remove him from the bridge! Tie him to your bed
and do anything you want... use your imagination.
Wharf: With *pleasure*, sir!
Wessly: It's not fair! Nobody ever listens to anything I say or do! I might
as well be Dan Quayle. (is carried away by Wharf, still whining.)
Picknose: Mr. Date, fire at the Romulan ships.
Date (looking up from the centerfold of 'PlayMachine'): What?
Picknose: Kill 'em!
Date: Oh, sure, cap'n. (fires weapons)
(after a few minutes of combat, all ships are only slightly damaged)
Picknose: Let's seperate the saucer section. (to intercom) Commodore LaFarce.
LaFarce: What now, Captain? I'm halfway through a case of Budweiser and I
don't appreciate you interrupting me like this.
Picknose: Not now. I need you to command the saucer section.
LaFarce: What fun. I'll be there as soon as I go to the bathroom.*
(* note. As bathrooms were never shown on the show, we can only assume he
used the transporter.)
Date: I have a plan, captain. Send out a shuttlecraft...
Picknose: Make it so.
-----------------------------------
(external view. A shuttle leaves the Entranceramp, penetrates the shields,
and docks with the Romulan flagship)
------------------------------------
(on Battle Bridge)
Picknose: It's in their ship. Now what's the rest of your plan?
Date: It's simple, captain. LaForge, Wharf, and I leap out of the
shuttlecraft-
Picknose: What?!
Date: I said we leap out of the shuttlecraft and ... oh.
Picknose: You've been watching Monty Python too much. Prepare for seperation.,
Wharf: All nonessential personnel have been moved to the saucer section.
Picknose: Begin seperation procedure.
Helmsman: Seperation complete, sir.
Picknose: Execute the 'Picknose Maneuver'
(everyone adjusts their uniforms)
Picknose: The OTHER ONE!
(the Entranceramp warps close to its own saucer section. It then fires all
torpedoes. The saucer section rips apart, its impulse engines exploding,
killing everyone on board and making enormous amounts of sparks)
Picknose: That'll confuse them! Now let's haul ass out of here!
Date: Run Away! Run Away!
(the secondary hull leaves Romulan space at Warp 9. The next day, the officers
gather in the briefing room. Picknose, Date, Dr Flusher, Wharf, and Wessly
are there. Wessly seems to be sitting uncomfortably, perhaps because
of what happened in Wharf's room last night. Interpret this any way you
want.)
(I know what you were thinking, and get your mind out of the gutter!)
Picknose: Let us mourn our dear departed comerades, Commander Reeker,
Lieutenant Yar, and Rear Admiral LaFarce. The ship seems so empty
without---
(the door opens, and Counselor Cleavage walks in)
Counselor Cleavage: Sorry I missed this episode, but that's the way my
contract with Paramount is...
Picknose: Well, we didn't really miss you at all.
Counselor Cleaveage: I sense deep anger.
Picknose: No, not at all.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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