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Virus sale (Jonathan R. Partington)
(computer, smirk)

 At last a much-needed gap in the computer market has been
filled! Up to now, there were lots of firms advertising
anti-virus services for your computer. We, JRP's virus service,
are the only widely-advertising organization from whom you can
buy viruses for your friends!

 Our firm has a long history of sabotage and deceit -- for
example the original Trojan horse (the wooden one) was designed
and built in our factories; also in fact when God designed the
Universe, He consulted our Pan-Universal Parent Company -- with
the result that the whole world is due to be consumed by fire
next week.

 But it's only now that we've gone into the computing and
electronics business.

Q. How do I choose a virus for (e.g.) my grandmother?

A. I'm glad I asked me that. The answer is, first see what sort
of computer she's got. If it's an IBM PC, then frankly I wouldn't
bother... she's probably got lots of viruses already and maybe
some other present, such as a scarf for winter, would be more
appropriate. (We can recommend virus-infected scarves that cause
unmentionable diseases, strangle the wearer, burst into flames,
etc. -- just send for the catalogue.)

 If she's got, say, a Macintosh, then maybe she'd like a nice
mouse-virus. This one, JRP/1/666/42/SPONG/94 has a real mouse
inside the plastic one. Won't she get a thrill when it comes out
and start crawling up her arm, squeaking, etc.?

 Anyway, send off now for our full catalogue. We have viruses
that sing to you, gas you (a popular one in Iraq this one), print
NEEDLE NARDLE NOO somewhere in the middle of your thesis where
you won't spot it, turn your floppy discs into marzipan (actually
this one does no obvious damage at all), and ones that phone up
the nearest police station and request them (in a Chinese accent)
to bring round a pickled-onion-and-custard-topped pizza.

Q: No, I don't think those sorts of viruses are quite what I
want. What else can you recommend?

A: I'm asking me a lot of questions today, but I'll answer this
last one for me. Well now... we can also add viruses to other
hardware with electronic components. One man was given a virus
which caused his washing machine to tear all his shirt buttons
off, to re-knit his socks so that no two matched, and to make his
pullovers look like doormats. He ended up with a job as a
University Lecturer, of course. Later in fact his vacuum cleaner
was caused to blow dirt and slime all over him, after which his
promotion to Professor was assured.

 Another popular virus is one which causes televisions to burst
into flames as soon as any Australian Soap comes on. Or you can
get one for your neighbours' lawnmower which makes it run out of
control and write rude words all over his lawn. Yet another one
causes all messages on the Ansa-phone to be erased and replaced
by bogus but urgent-sounding messages, e.g. "Come home at once,
your baby sister's been eaten by an aardvark," "Yes, I will marry
you," and "HELP! HELP! I'm being murdered! Aaaagghhh!"

 Finally, under some circumstances you can design your own virus.
Tell us who the victim is, what hardware they have, whether they
are to be killed, driven mad, annoyed, confused, ... whatever.
Then leave it to us, and we'll design a virus uniquely tailored
to your needs!

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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