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Well, this isn't really sick or disgusting; but it does have something to do
with lawyers. And, if any of you have your homeowner policy handy, you will be
surprised at how on point it is! It's quite true in many respects:
------------------------------------
NEW SIMPLIFIED, PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY-SPECIAL FORM
The ______________Insurance Company has issued this policy to ______
_________________for a period of _____ year(s) ending promptly at midnight,
standard time on ______________. Property Location: _______
________________________________. Amount of Insurance you bought:
$_________ Blanket, on your house, all the accumulated furniture and shit
inside your house, your garage (the one where you park your car, not Al's
Body Shop) and any other small building on the lot, and what it costs to live
when your house is burned down or something like that happens, for so long
as we say it's okay.
We also will defend you in court if some sonuvabitch makes a claim against
you, or pay his damages, and we'll pay the medical bills of some people who
get hurt accidentally at your place, or some other places.
(We could spell it out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one fucking word
of it anyway--shit--we had to hire ten Jew lawyers just to figure THIS out
after we wrote it).
CONDITIONS:
1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call
us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.
2. Our agent has already told you that this is the new "ALL RISK" policy.
He was correct as far as he went, but he doesn't even know what the
fuck he's selling. So, if you have any questions, call or write to us,
not some jackoff insurance salesman.
3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how
godawful new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to shit
us,
we'll not only cancel this fucker so fast it'll make your head swim;
we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an
insurance policy again, short of Hong Kong Mutual. There's so much
fucking regulation, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's
Jesus Christ, that we CAN'T LIE to YOU--It'd be our ass. So, don't give
us any song and dance or we'll land on your ass hard.
4. Replacement Cost: Fucking forget it! You don't need it. We'll pay what
is fair, with or without any goddam Replacement Cost Coverage. And,
we don't give a shit what your goddam neighbor's policy has on it.
5. The Amount of Insurance You Bought, listed above, is the absolute most
we will pay no matter what your house and other shit is worth or
however many people sue your ass for any one accident. So, you'd
better be goddam sure you've bought enough to cover the worst fucking
disaster you can imagine. Don't depend on your agent for this!!! If he
had any imagination, he'd find an HONEST occupation (like sucking off
sailors).
6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered
by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told
you
now, you'd forget it in an hour--if you ever understood it in the first
place.
7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the fucking premium and (2) Call us right away
when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call
in); that's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute--see item (3) above
in case you forgot already (which doesn't surprise us).
8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the
way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has
something to do with your job--forget it! Don't call us; we couldn't
care less!
By: ______________________________ Dated ___________________
----------------------------------------------------
I oughta know--I'm an adjuster! (Boo-hiss!) But, I can't claim authorship for
this great one!
Peggy
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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