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Iraq Digest #1
(topical, various)

The following digest contains various Iraq jokes that did not quite rate their own posting. Be warned that many of these are sick, particularly if you're of the "the war is serious and can't possibly be funny" persuasion. Some are pretty nasty, possibly racist.

But do the dancing women wear veils? [rec.humor.funny]

But do the dancing women wear veils? (Steven Grimm)

To the tune of "Addicted to Love"

Attacking planes, incoming strafes, 
No one knows, how much he'll take. 
For U.S. oil, the pilots ride, 
The sanctions failed, but hey we tried. 
Hussein's a twit, he's gotta know, 
Shamir'll launch, a Jericho. 
It's all been planned, but lips are sealed, 
I wonder why, he didn't deal! 

Oh, you like 'em whether they're a pain or a bluff, oh yeah...

Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough, You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to SCUDs!

Best sign at the anti-war march today [rec.humor.funny]

Best sign at the anti-war march today (Brian Harvey)

Bush has it backwards--abortion is surgical; bombing is murder.

With a Twist [rec.humor.funny]

With a Twist (Chris Long)

( This is original and topical )

How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?


One to screw in the light bulb.

One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs.

One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs.

And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestinians.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.


Radio callsigns [rec.humor.funny]

Radio callsigns

The international identifier for the radio station "Voice of Peace, Iraq" is L.I.E.

Financing THE WAR [rec.humor.funny]

Financing THE WAR

No need to worry about financing THE WAR.

The Allied Air Forces are going to win the grand prize on the television program, America's Best Home Videos.

POWs [rec.humor.funny]


chandra@master.mrisi (B. Chandramouli)

I made this one up:

A conversation between a U.S. Official and an Iraqi Official:

U.S. Off: Your treatment of POWs is against the Geneva Convention. This is a war crime.

Iraqi Off: I agree. What are you going to do? Bomb Baghdad?

All's fair? [rec.humor.funny]

All's fair? (Andrew Tannenbaum)

Interactive Systems, Cambridge, MA 02138-5302

(I don't think personal opinions about the war have any effect on the bizarreness of the juxtaposition of these stories.)

People the world over have expressed outrage at Iraq's treatment of Allied pilot prisoners of war, in violation of the Geneva Conventions.

Iraq has in turn expressed its disappointment at the fact that the Allied forces have been bombing the crap out of their country continuously since January 15th.

'Twas The Night Before Desert Storm [rec.humor.funny]

'Twas The Night Before Desert Storm


I received this particular message in my mail account a couple of days back, and thought it was rather funny. I hope the rest of you find it as amusing. --PH

 'Twas the night before Desert-Storm 
     and all through Iraq 
 Not a weapon was stirring 
     not even a track. 

When up, in the air, there arose such a clatter Saddam jumped from bed to see what was the matter.

He whipped up the window, threw open the sash-- And was narrowly missed by Iraqi ack-ack!

And what before his bloodshot eyes should ensue, But an attack by Eagles, and some Tornadoes too.

In nap-of-the-earth the fighters they came. They bombed as they went, and they kicked ass by name!

"Hey Mohammed! Hey Abdullah! Hey Terik-the-sleaze! Here's a Maverick, some Snakeyes, napalm if you please!"

Missile batteries, command posts, the pilots zapped them with ease-- "Who said this was tough? With Pave Tack it's a breeze!"

Then to the palace they turned and they let their bombs fly All the while screaming "Death from the sky!"

One bomb, it was targeted down the chimney and flue-- Not a mean feat with a Mark Eighty-two!

The windows, they shattered the chimney, it fell And Saddam cleaned his trousers while the bombers raised hell.

The aircrews yelled back as they streaked out of sight, "If it makes you feel better we'll be bombing all night!"

-Jonathan Wilson

SCUD escalates the UNIX wars [rec.humor.funny]

SCUD escalates the UNIX wars (Allan Meers - Just Say NO to OSF)

News Update - UNIX wars

The Open Software Foundation has now tested its first product for the third world computer user -


Software for Computers Unfashionable & Discardable

Following OSF philosophy, the outdated SCUD isn't aimed at anything in particular, seldom hits a target, and is really just a terrorist weapon.

Patriot missile performance review [rec.humor.funny]

Patriot missile performance review (Susan Grace)

My boss Pete Sessions' comment on the early performances of the Patriot missile:

"It opened to rave reviews in Riyadh, but it bombed in Tel Aviv."

News from the Iraqi front [rec.humor.funny]

News from the Iraqi front (Phil OKunewick)

The press is continually referring to this as a "War." This is not accurate, for two reasons:

(1) War was never declared.

(2) A War is where two sides shoot at and affect heavy casualties on each other.

In light of this, "Turkey Shoot" would probably be more appropriate.

Iraq claims to have shot down around 170 aircraft. (Ours or theirs?)

The "shot heard 'round the gulf" was a bomb dropped on the Baghdad PT&T building, which was mistakenly identified in some reports as the AT&T building. This brings a whole new meaning to the term, "Reach out and touch someone."

Well, I guess we're not dealing with AT&T here.

Then again, considering AT&T's saturation advertising of the past several months, bombing the AT&T building is starting to sound like a real good idea.

Hussein's current complaint to the Allies is "the Allied planes are flying too high for the Iraqi anti-aircraft to shoot them down." (Awwww.)

The leading threat to Baghdad is anti-aircraft fire falling back down.

The SCUD that inflicted heavy casualties on Israel surprised everybody, including Saddam Hussein. He says that he was only trying to "disturb their sleep."

Israel is planning to retaliate to the SCUD missile attacks. However, they're having a hard time deciding how, since the Allies already took out all the good targets.

Allies attack "baby food" plant [rec.humor.funny]

Allies attack "baby food" plant (Phil OKunewick)

The Allies destroyed an Iraqi biological weapons plant, which Hussein claims was really a baby food plant. (The barbed wire and armed garrison made the Allies suspicious, of course.)

Actually, they're both right, considering that baby food is one of the primary materials used in the manufacture of biological weapons.

Those who don't believe this have obviously never changed a diaper.

Yet More Iraq One Liners [rec.humor.funny]

Yet More Iraq One Liners (Mitchell N. Perilstein)

These were heard on Cleveland's WMMS radio morning show Jan 25.

A: What is Iraq's national bird?

A: Duck

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Cajun Solution for the Gulf War [rec.humor.funny]

Cajun Solution for the Gulf War (Dave Weinstein)

(Heard from a friend at a rather odd dinner party) (Cajun transliteration questionable - watch Ruffles commercials before reading)

My friend, he tell me, to end the war, you send Cajuns over and tell them t'ree t'ings.

1) Iraqis are out of season

2) The bag limit is 2

3) They good in Gumbo

Iraqi sexual preferences [rec.humor.funny]

Iraqi sexual preferences

FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson)

This is another joke from the WVIC morning show:

What do you call an Iraqi with a camel AND a goat? Bisexual.

Saddam's latest tactic [original] [rec.humor.funny]

Saddam's latest tactic [original]

Saddam's latest move to drive the Allies from the Gulf is to announce that spotted owls have been found in Kuwait.

Saddam Day [rec.humor.funny]

Saddam Day

SERC, Department of Computer Sciences, Purdue Univ. (Gene Spafford)

Baghdad residents are eagerly looking forward to the first few days of February. They will gather around what is left of the Presidential Palace to see if their leader emerges from his bunker. Unfortunately, predictions are he will see his shadow and return, bringing 6 more weeks of bombing.

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