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Cpt. Picard & The Borg (Finale?) (Daniel Elvis Weber)
(topical, usenet, smirk, original)

I mailed my friend Brandon Lovestead a copy of the story written by about "Captain Picard Encounters the Borg"
(a parody in which the Borg are related to USENET).  He decided that he
could not wait for the season premier nor the completion of the story by 
the author, so he wrote his own ending to the story.  I thought it
was amusing, and figured that since there has been no posted conclusion, 
you might consider this ending.  

			For Brandon Lovestead,
			Daniel Weber


RIKER: We have no choice now.  Data retrieve that old file on recursion
	Jordi wrote when he was pissed off at our sysop.

DATA:	At once.  What does that file do?

RIKER:	I'll tell you when it happens.

WORF:	Borg initiating talk...shall we establish connection?

RIKER:	Yeah, why not.... but use _all_lowercase_, Lieutenant!

Lt.Yar:	That should confuse them even further!

DATA:	I have retrieved that file, Commander, it has a README document
	with it, and a warning...

	Shall I read it?

RIKER:	No!  The Borg might be monitoring our session. Put the file up on
	the Captain's chair terminal...all lower case.

JORDI:	I am reading some strange memory errors, Commander!  They seem to
	be i/o problems primarily.  I think the Borg are trying to remote
	login to our computer.

RIKER:	Good!  They're doing what I want them to!  Worf, send a uuencoded
	message over the talk connection, and rot13 it.

WORF:	But Commander, uuencode over talk?  What should I send them?

RIKER:	Send them anything big...send them all the man pages for System V.

WORF:	Yessir.

DATA:	What do you intend to do with that recursion file, Commander?

RIKER:	I am going to amend it, then offer it on a golden platter to them.


DATA:	Ah.  A trojan horse. A deception. A program designed to...

RIKER:	Yes, Data!

JORDI:	Commander, they have almost established a remote login...they have
	almost guessed the password...Data's favorite complex number!

RIKER:	There, finished.  Data, transfer my file to the main computer's bin
	directory, and change the name to "SystemShutdown".

DATA	[click-beep] Done, sir.

JORDI:	They did it, sir, the Borg are now searching the root.  They are ftp-
	ing some files.  Hey, what's SystemShutdown?  There's no such...

RIKER:	Jordi, remember when you wrote that program to get back at Lieutenant

JORDI:	You mean the one that spawns shells recursively?

RIKER:	That's the one.  I just sent it to the Borg...

WORF:	Commander, the Borg are demanding better documentation....wait...
	I am reading a surge in power in their main computer.

Lt.YAR:	Confirmed sir.  It is progressing at an almost geometric rate.
	They are swapping out pages like crazy....

DATA:	At this rate, they should be unable to process anything beyond the
	highest level of interrupt...

RIKER:	Exactly...only a reset!

WORF:	Commander, it appears can't be...they've dumped their entire
	core, but it can't find a place in memory.....system shutdown
	has occurred!  They are defenseless!

RIKER:	Yes!  Little did they know it was their system shutdown that I
	label the file for!  We should have the Captain back anytime.


PICARD:	What happened Number one? 

RIKER:	You were captured by the Borg, and brainwashed, sir.

PICARD:	Indeed.  Why am I here, though?

RIKER:	We allowed them to ftp a recursive shell-spawning program into their
	computers.  Once they had to dump their core, it was just a matter
	of time before you had to be swapped out back to the Enterprise.

PICARD:	But, Commander, did it ever occur to you that I could've been swapped
	elsewhere, say, to tapedrive? 

RIKER:	Yes, but I was willing to take the risk, sir.

PICARD:	 Willing to...

WORF:	Captain the Borg are requesting talk...

PICARD:	Acknowledge, Lieutenant.

WORF:	Should I continue in uuencode and rot13?

PICARD:	What the hell...?

RIKER:	Discontinue that, Mr.Worf, resume normal ascii.

WORF:	Aye, sir.

PICARD:	This is Captain Picard.  We have disabled your computers entirely,
	how are you communicating?


RIKER:	"Refurn," sir?

PICARD:	I don't know, Number One, perhaps they will come back as plants.
	Maybe corn, or perhaps....kernels...

	Mr.Crusher, take us out of here, warp 5.



(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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