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Kludge's solutions to major world problems
(original, chuckle)

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:

Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place. The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly marked "Hazardous Nuclear Waste?"

2. How to fund private space concerns:

This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation. Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for auction. I know I'd like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would as well. Then, just send the money into space.

3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:

Make network TV illegal. Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldn't have a severe impact in most areas. Give half the bandwidth to the ham radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio network for carrying the alt groups.

4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:

Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs. This will have the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating extra revenue for the power companies. Enough ozone will be generated to surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night under the bright arc lamps. But since only muggers and rapists go out at night in big cities, it's okay. This will reduce the crime problem as well.

5. How to fix the drug problem:

Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA. Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone. The alternative of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.

6. How to fix the mideast crisis:

Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic. This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews and Arabs. If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be employed. Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have a nice cup of tea together. The side effect is that this might cause the area to become like Northern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.

7. How to fix the crisis in education:

Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can do better. Also, all standardized tests should be in English so that we can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese. Colleges should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which don't require the students to think very hard, so that we can have more college graduates. A college degree is a right, not a privilege.

8. How to fix the space shuttle:

Let Pete's Auto Repair take it over. Pete can find the tiniest leaks in seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel. I swear that if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.

9. On the issue of Lithuanian separatism:

Annex Lithuania as a part of the United States, and in exchange give Alabama to the Soviet Union. This will make the Lithuanians happy to be in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama to go with their Georgia, and the United States happy because they will get a foreign market for hog jowls.

10. Disarmament:

Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they won't need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore. The missiles can be used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them. Since you can only use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and become obsolete. Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the savings and loan bailout.

I hope these answers to pressing political questions have been helpful. --scott

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