Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide ============================ Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Bar swaying. Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom : Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC !!!!!
(From the "Rest" of RHF)