I sent the "Shit Happens in Various Religions" to my friend John Stark, who happens to have a PhD in Religious Studies. A week later he sent me his revised version, which is pretty serious, but also pretty funny.
TAOISM: Shit Happens, so flow with it.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.
HINDUISM: This shit happening is you.
PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, praise the Lord for it!
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
ISLAM: Shit happening is Allah's Will.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit happening is absurd!
ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?